Just Another Clumsy Bungled Suicide

I came home early
a sailor's eye frowning  
at the crudeness of the knots you'd tied  
Neckties together  
up and over the bedroom door  
your short pink skirt  
hiked high around your thighs  
expensive tan lines fading  
the last thing on my mind
  
The veins in your neck  
screaming blue  
a corner of your mouth  
holding white saliva dried  
Dirty froth  
conspiring with the gurgle  
from your throat  
to burn in terror  
through manic empty eyes  
  
How I wanted to believe  
you'd swapped love  
for some agony column  
experiment  
and I was gatecrashing  
your kinky side  
a momentary craziness  
dismissed by my ego  
eager to protect
poor macho pride  
  
But even now  
when curious sparks  
smolder into memories  
abandoned on wasteland  
grazing quietly
on the therapy farm of time  
I'm baited  
by a shame I can't define  
  
Because in that moment  
I wanted you  
there and then  
as much as I ever did  
your body dead or alive  
and in my panic  
I forgot exactly  
the place I hid the knives  
  
And how it hurt
your cruelest size six whisper  
Will I live,
will I live this time