Notes To My Children

Notes To My Children: Things I Want Them To Know. Dedicated to Sharon Paulina and Alan Gabriel: mi alma, mi cielo y mi luna.

Introduction
I grew up knowing very little about my father, his beliefs, his likes and dislikes, and his life. I had scatterings of information firsthand, as well as a few stories that were filtered through the perceptions and biases of my mother, her family and friends, as well as my own limited perceptions and recollections from childhood. As I reached adulthood and battled my own demons as I strove to make a life worth living, I made up a lot of details to fill in the blanks of my father’s history as well as his life after separating from my mother. Due to my relatively unpleasant remembrances of childhood with my father, my memories are rather negative and dramatic. Whether or not these memories are justified is a discussion for another day.             Growing up with sparse and spotty information about the beliefs of your parents can make an already trying journey through life even more difficult. The reason, I think, is because you don’t have a baseline to work from. Without appropriate models of belief and behavior, you spend a lot more time and energy trying different ways of being until you find beliefs and behaviors that work for you. I am not saying that it is necessary, nor appropriate to force your beliefs on your children. I am simply saying that by modeling confident belief in your own beliefs, you provide your children an example of belief structure and a jumping off point for their own exploration.            A key word in any discussion of beliefs and behaviors is appropriate. I know without a doubt that my mother loved me more than life itself. That being said, her models of appropriate behavior (my grandparents) left a lot to be desired. As loving, caring and intelligent as my mother was, she was woefully unprepared to model appropriate behaviors. Add to the mix many years of my father chipping away at her self-esteem, and her abilities were further impeded. In a fit of frustration in my late teens, I accused my mother of being a poor parent. Her response has stayed with me to this day: “I am doing the best I can with the knowledge, skills and abilities that I possess.” In a moment of anger and sadness between mother and son, she modeled a belief that I have held in my heart to this day. As I said before, discussions regarding my parent’s stories are best left for another day. I am writing this to gift my children with a road map to my heart, and a reference guide to be used when the day comes when I am not available to answer the questions that will surely come. Two rules: 1. While reading this: take what works for you, and leave the rest. 2. If you’re not sure about something I’ve written, ask me for clarification and then make your own decision.
Love
      I believe that expressing love and affection can create and promote more resilient, more compassionate, stronger, more tolerant and caring children and adults.Any good read has to start somewhere, and I will start with what I believe to be the beginning of everything: Love. As I alluded before, the models of love that I had while growing up were on opposite ends of the spectrum. Cold and detached was my father, rarely if ever showing affection or love. He doled out discipline with an iron fist. My mother showered us with love and affection that was rarely tempered with discipline. The combined model was of polarization. After years of trial and error, and having kids of my own, I have come to believe that the single most important thing that I can instill in my children is that they are loved. Through every crisis, small or large, if I can assure and reassure them that I love them with all of my heart and every fiber of my being, life’s ups and downs, and every hard knock will be unable to shake their beliefs in themselves and their abilities to adapt and overcome. We will still have disagreements, and they will make mistakes that will have consequences, and sometimes will require discipline in varying forms, but the discipline will always be based in and tempered with love.
Encouragement 
 
I believe that the use of encouragement in any and all circumstances can affect a more positive outcome and help in making the best of any situation.My mother remarried in 1977, and my stepfather became a central figure in my life. I resisted his attempts to become my father, and his limited experience with children of any age and my challenging personality presented significant roadblocks to harmony in the household. Combined with my mother’s aforementioned shortcomings, the challenges we faced were daunting. An amazing tool that he gave to my mother, and that I eventually adopted as my own, was a two word phrase: You Can! These two words brought about a change in my mother that created an amazing transformation spanning many years. The belief in her abilities displayed in these two words provided the impetus needed to affect significant changes in my mother’s life and relationships. It also spilled over into my life. I have used these words many times throughout my life to overcome obstacles and motivate myself to persevere.
Discipline            

I believe that disciplining out of love, and NEVER in anger, will assure appropriate consequences of misbehavior.Discipline was a word that for many years evoked in me strong feelings of discomfort due to the severe types of punishment used by my father. I couldn’t bear seeing a parent disciplining a child with harsh words, much less physical discipline such as spanking. It took me many years to understand my angry responses to discipline. After having children of my own, I recognize the need for various types of discipline, and that the key factor in disciplining my children is intention. If I am disciplining to protect and teach my child, and it is based in love, then discipline will be appropriate.  

Tolerance           

I believe that tolerance of others differences can eliminate hatred and change our world.In this ever-changing global community, diversity is a fact of life. Be it religion, race, beliefs, language, sexual identity or preference, culture or any other facet of humanity, tolerance of our differences is a necessary part of modern human relationship. Tolerance of others differences will go a long way toward insuring others being tolerant toward you, as well as contributing to a peaceful world.      

Right and Wrong

I believe that right and wrong in the traditional sense do not exist. Although this idea is controversial, it makes sense to me when things are described not as right and wrong, but as what serves a person, and what doesn’t serve a person, depending upon what that person wishes to accomplish. For example, if I would like to have enough money to pay my bills, then it serves me to show up to work on time, and strive to be a valuable employee. It is not wrong if I skip work, then show up late when I do show up. It just doesn’t serve me in view of what I am trying to accomplish.

Right and Wrong #2

I believe that no one does anything wrong given their view of the world. I believe that people are driven to act by their perception of the world and always act within their own sense of right and wrong, very often even if it doesn’t serve the world at large. For example, certain religious groups believe that unbelievers or believers of different faiths should be eliminated from the earth. They believe that this is mandated by God himself and to disobey would damn them to hell. They also believe that their reward for carrying out this mandate here on earth will be some sort of paradise in heaven. The point here is that regardless of what other people think, these people believe all this to be true. They believe that this is the right thing to do.

Death

I believe that we never die. I believe that although our bodies may stop working and eventually turn to dust, our spirit never dies and we maintain our personality as well as our relationships with everyone we have known. This belief serves me. It helps lessen the fear I have of dying. I believe that people can never be damaged. As stated above, the body will eventually fall away, but this does not damage who we are. It is merely a part of the process of rebirth into another form.

God

I believe that God does exist, in all the forms that mankind needs to believe, and that God wants for us only what we want for ourselves.           
I believe that there is nothing that we have to do to gain God’s favor or love, and that there is no Judgment Day in the way that many people believe. I believe that our existence is a way for God to experience him/herself in all of the infinite possibilities of the human experience. Many religions state that God is everywhere. I believe that to be true. Not in some esoteric way, but in a very literal sense. I believe that each human being is not only Divine, but is God, in human form. I believe that everything that occurs in the human experience is a manifestation of Divinity. Everything is perfect, although very often we may not understand or be willing or able to see the perfection.

Religion
I believe religion has lost its way. Religion throughout history has been responsible for some of the most barbaric acts imaginable. Even today, people are killing in the name of religion and God, believing that this is what is required to protect their faith and ensure their salvation. This does not mean all religions are “bad”, or do not serve us. Religion definitely has its place in our world and undoubtedly provides comfort to millions. That being said, it still contributes to division and intolerance on a grand scale. I believe that the reason for this is that most religions are based on an incomplete understanding of the way things are.