deepundergroundpoetry.com
I Was So Close
I wish I could say that my monster within forced his way out tonight
I wish I could say that I gave it all I had, and that I simply lost the fight.
But even he was scared of the rage and pain I felt inside
So he knew better, and decided to slink back into the shadows and hide.
For he usually comes out when he knows he has something to gain
But there was nothing to use as his fuel, only overwhelming pain.
Tonight it was me that got out my toys, me that chose
Tonight it me that decided to fulfill the burning desire that arose.
I was almost at 6 months harm free, something I haven't been able to say in years
But once again I didn't reach that goal, as tonight my blood mixes with my tears.
There are some struggles that you can't get rid of, struggles that will never go away
There are some battles that you'll always have to fight, every fucking day.
And there are times when limits will be tested, and boundaries will be broken
It's amazing what can go out the window when certain words are spoken.
I wish I could say that I feel regret over what I've done, that I regret making this choice
But part of me inside is relieved, hell, part of me would even like to rejoice.
For there's that soothing physical pain, that washes away everything else, strips me bare
The pain that takes away my stress, takes away the sadness, until the point where I don't even care.
It's a curious feeling, to feel so satisfied after, and yet so empty at the same time
Feeling relieved, even happy that you did it, and yet feeling ashamed, like you've committed some sort of crime.
The swirl of emotions that runs through you as you watch your blood drip onto the floor
Knowing you should stop, but instead listening to the voice that tells to go for just a little more.
To feel so alive from it, like when you're high off some drug, but almost feeling like part of you is dead
To feel that calm peace that rushes through you, yet try to deal with the turmoil that fills your head.
I don't know how the hell I should feel right now, because I can't really think right
All that sticks in my head is that I was so close to 6 months clean, and I gave that all up tonight...
I wish I could say that I gave it all I had, and that I simply lost the fight.
But even he was scared of the rage and pain I felt inside
So he knew better, and decided to slink back into the shadows and hide.
For he usually comes out when he knows he has something to gain
But there was nothing to use as his fuel, only overwhelming pain.
Tonight it was me that got out my toys, me that chose
Tonight it me that decided to fulfill the burning desire that arose.
I was almost at 6 months harm free, something I haven't been able to say in years
But once again I didn't reach that goal, as tonight my blood mixes with my tears.
There are some struggles that you can't get rid of, struggles that will never go away
There are some battles that you'll always have to fight, every fucking day.
And there are times when limits will be tested, and boundaries will be broken
It's amazing what can go out the window when certain words are spoken.
I wish I could say that I feel regret over what I've done, that I regret making this choice
But part of me inside is relieved, hell, part of me would even like to rejoice.
For there's that soothing physical pain, that washes away everything else, strips me bare
The pain that takes away my stress, takes away the sadness, until the point where I don't even care.
It's a curious feeling, to feel so satisfied after, and yet so empty at the same time
Feeling relieved, even happy that you did it, and yet feeling ashamed, like you've committed some sort of crime.
The swirl of emotions that runs through you as you watch your blood drip onto the floor
Knowing you should stop, but instead listening to the voice that tells to go for just a little more.
To feel so alive from it, like when you're high off some drug, but almost feeling like part of you is dead
To feel that calm peace that rushes through you, yet try to deal with the turmoil that fills your head.
I don't know how the hell I should feel right now, because I can't really think right
All that sticks in my head is that I was so close to 6 months clean, and I gave that all up tonight...
Published 2nd Jun 2013
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2nd Jun 2013 4:43pm
2nd Jun 2013 6:08pm
Sometimes giving up is all that's left,only through pain and suffering can the spirit flower !
nicely written..
nicely written..
4th Jun 2013 1:31pm
I know the feeling Caleb. It's gets shellfish worse before it even gives a glimpse of hope.
