a race of rats

Circles.
She's still in my head, like patient wolves.
I still don't want her back, I want her front, I want her heart.
I want her to go away; but when she came she came to stay.
I never left a trail, not a trace of an opportunity.

My head against a wall, steadily beating
She's not alive but I can hear her breathing.

She is a flu that I can't shake.
She picks her teeth with a sliver stake.
I'm running from her;
this is my race.

I got a goal I know I'll never make.
I find it difficult to pray these days,

I wonder if the red tides will ever subside.

I feel like vermin
I feel ugly
I hope she hates me
I hope she hates to love me

Is this un-forgiveness?
Am I killing myself?
Do I let this go;
Do I give it hell?