Grandma

Breathe in Breathe out
Breathe in Breathe out
This is all I can do to stay alive in this moment
I can hear my heartbeat beating on my eardrums
I just felt all the blood run out of body
I’m standing there drained, mouth open crying out silent screams.
My faith in God is slowly slipping away
“Why God??  Why her?? How can you plan to take her away from me, my family, anybody lucky enough to know her so soon??  There can’t be a God if he is making her suffer like this. Why her??”
Tears fall, my heart has stopped, I go down to my knees and close my eyes so tight hoping this is all a dream.  
I pinched myself, nope that shit hurt, it’s real, FUCK!!
Hearing my grandma has cancer is like telling me I’m no longer allowed to smile, silence my laughter, take away any happiness life has to offer.
I’m not ready to lose her… you can’t have her!!  am I being selfish?
Fuck YES I’m being selfish – who will I go to for advice - to laugh with – to cry with- go on adventures with –
This woman is literally everything to me, my grandma, my mom, my mentor….my best friend
I see where I get my strength from, I see her fight every day, refusing to let this conquer her.
I don’t let her see me cry or be sad, I gotta be confident and happy and hopefully it rubs off on her.
I HAVE to believe in God, eventually he will bring her home.
I gotta believe she will be in eternal peace and surrounded by all our guardian angles who has been preparing for her arrival.
I’m not giving up easy God!! You have a fight on your hands!! I won’t let her go without a battle. Your trying to take a piece of my heart away from me.
So for now I’m going to give her a reason to laugh every day, to smile, to feel unbelievably loved.
And when that dreaded day comes a piece of my soul will burn out
But I will make her proud, I will live life and continue to laugh and be happy. She will know I appreciate the 2nd chance of life she gave me.
I will cherish all our moments and will never let her be forgotten.