deepundergroundpoetry.com
Will To Mouth
Enclosed within a vagrant expression
Contemplating the outcome of It's social reply
Thought patterns hinder my dormant intuition
A speechless absurdity and the feedback I deny
Passively containing a rant of insanity
Left with naught but the extent of my vanity
An articulate diction holds no worth in the shy
Hesitantly pondering if the words will come out right
Choking on the pretense failure of what I don't apply
A decomposition of deductions may cause some delight
,but what is the purpose when I fail to confide?
All the comprehension and reflection that I hold inside?
[b]Entered into the "Extrovert Or Introvert? competition "
Contemplating the outcome of It's social reply
Thought patterns hinder my dormant intuition
A speechless absurdity and the feedback I deny
Passively containing a rant of insanity
Left with naught but the extent of my vanity
An articulate diction holds no worth in the shy
Hesitantly pondering if the words will come out right
Choking on the pretense failure of what I don't apply
A decomposition of deductions may cause some delight
,but what is the purpose when I fail to confide?
All the comprehension and reflection that I hold inside?
[b]Entered into the "Extrovert Or Introvert? competition "
Published 7th May 2013
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Anonymous
10th May 2013 4:57pm
I like the phrase "vagrant expression"; it's subtle and clever. The poem falls apart a bit in S2, with lines getting crowded (do you need "failure" AND "pretense" in L3, for instance?), but overall it's a smart evocation of crippling shyness. What might make it really hum is if you add some imagery; think of metaphors for how introversion tortures a person, stuff like that. You have a certain way with phrasing that shines through, like the aformentioned "vagrant expression", as well as "dormant intuition" and "speechless absurdity". All of my critique is, of course, JMHO. Thank you for the read!
13th May 2013 10:57pm
Thanks for the feedback Heslopian. I've always found my work to be a bit too cluttered together. I've seen the faults that you're stating time and time again, and have still yet to find a way past them. I've always had a problem with creating imagery that relates to or metaphorically depicts anything external.
I'm glad you found my phrasing to be unique and clever though. That is probably the one aspect of my poetry that I can approach with confidence.
Thank you so much for your critique. I seem to get tunnel vision when it comes to my own work and I sincerely appreciate your honest opinion. It really helps :)
I'm glad you found my phrasing to be unique and clever though. That is probably the one aspect of my poetry that I can approach with confidence.
Thank you so much for your critique. I seem to get tunnel vision when it comes to my own work and I sincerely appreciate your honest opinion. It really helps :)
