deepundergroundpoetry.com
Guarded
My heart is unfurnished for like the sun
No residents can reside
I leave my rooms vacant
Allowing the rays to die
My heart has been closed but
I am tired of the void
How can I retrain a heart
That was trained to avoid
I dreamt of my heart
At last lavish with amour
Only when I unlock my guarded heart
Will I finally find the cure
No residents can reside
I leave my rooms vacant
Allowing the rays to die
My heart has been closed but
I am tired of the void
How can I retrain a heart
That was trained to avoid
I dreamt of my heart
At last lavish with amour
Only when I unlock my guarded heart
Will I finally find the cure
Published 28th Apr 2013
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28th Apr 2013 10:46pm
29th Apr 2013 00:11am
7th Jun 2013 9:22am
Really nice :) I like a lot of the imagery attached to this. After the sun metaphor there could be other's...your heart is like a vault (might fit nicely towards the end where you say your heart is guarded) Mainly, I think some other metaphors would bind some of these lines together, just seems a tad fragmented after the 'sun' lines passed. Also, I personally...and this is totally just my preference...try to stay away from using the same word too close together-unless it helps the flow of the poem, For example...you might say 'This heart' on the 5th line instead of 'My heart'. And of course, in writing, when someone has to read it, instead of it being read to them, commas & periods...are your friend. It can add depth & space from one line to the next. But that is so just nitpicking kind of detail. Overall this is a good write about lonesome heartache and you have some powerful imagery here.
9th Jun 2013 9:08pm
