A DRUNKEN SYNOPSIS OF MY HALLOWEEN AT WOLF’S   (I) (1990, San Diego, California)

             
somewhere              
between my          
nightmares and dreams              
another reality            
exists              
at least            
it feels that            
way to me          
here again tonight              
on all hallow even              
where wildness              
comes ripened              
in all shapes            
and sizes              
comes ripened                
and a callin              
a howlin here            
at wolfs              
something organic              
raw  horny            
and free              
expressed all ablur              
in this hedonists          
gatherin        
of well over            
a hundred men          
many hot          
some not          
yet most            
all of us here          
each horned up          
and a huntin          
where everywhere            
here          
all around me              
somethin between              
beauty and obscenity              
unfolds even now              
like some wild          
forbidden flower          
of carnivorously hungerin        
masculinity            
whose raw carnal          
power          
at this pagan hour          
seems to be          
strainin at the seams            
of its collective          
now near            
rabidity          
with its swellin        
primal energies          
now teeterin        
at the edges          
of more aggressive          
release            
in all its blindin            
complexities              
oh well            
what the hell              
its halloween              
and these four beers              
so far            
done got a              
pretty good            
hold on me              
with just a couple                
hits of weed              
some kind  sexy          
man hungry angel            
just offered me            
and shared              
for old times sake            
he said              
with just enough            
resultant buzz          
to help diminish             
a little more            
edge off              
my usual            
social awkwardness              
while tryin        
to fine tune                
my increasin buzz            
from both          
the grass and booze            
now as i            
lean against              
these base thumpin walls              
i seem to melt              
into all            
the morphin sounds              
and movin shadows              
swirlin around me            
where i long            
to yield              
to some total strangers              
equally hungry            
prolonged touch              
to feel both            
their outer          
and inner          
warmth              
though only felt        
vicariously so far            
amid all these other              
passin  posin        
cruisin  longin        
equally frustrated              
deceptive forms              
still the tensions            
tight rope taught              
especially what            
with so much              
red hot  man blood            
rushin here             
all astir            
aflame      
set off by              
the up close proximity              
of so many            
tellin eyes              
sensuous mouths              
mustaches and beards              
so much hairy            
horny          
hot muscled man flesh              
flushed and flooded          
with so much            
rampant            
pent up testosterone              
racin through          
our lustin veins          
all bound up                
in leather gear              
expressed and clearly          
showin        
in the droolin        
heated glory            
of so many            
proud        
shameless bulges              
oh the bulges              
theyre a callin          
a callin out        
nay  shoutin now          
everywhere          
to and from          
everyone here        
where they          
all look as if              
theyre strainin              
ready to burst out              
of all those            
tight assed              
tattered  faded              
levi 501s            
and assless        
black leather chaps      
as well      
that just keep on              
paradin            
walkin  squeezin              
oh so slowly by              
sometimes brushin                
right up          
against me              
in this tight            
packed              
crowded bar              
where i can            
almost feel              
their radiant heat              
right through            
my own              
tight jeans              
at least        
in my mind            
i can              
which along with                
the musics incessantly        
hard thumpin  fuck beat              
and all the            
suppressed              
internalized          
achin fantasies              
racin through my head              
has got me in                
quite a spin            
here now              
yeah  old man river              
just keeps on            
a rollin          
as i keeps on            
a drownin along              
starin off        
into all these        
flickerin  strobin        
colored lights              
across these crowded        
rooms         
through the now              
much too dense              
cigarette smoke        
filled air      
and all this        
toxic      
alcohol laden          
exhaled breath      
from everyone here          
which oddly enough              
doesnt seeem              
to bother me        
much              
at this point            
anymore        
through my own      
relative inebriation              
as it only seems              
to add            
a little more                
atmospheric ambiance          
of hard core      
sex charged        
authenticity      
seamlessly interwoven        
into         
the overall        
heated thrill      
of it all      
so intensely      
hypnotic      
and erotically      
mesmerizing      
as we all        
in the soft  pale              
cashmere feel      
in its electric        
candle lit like glows        
sensuously flowing        
predatory dance          
of ambient      
shadows and light      
along with                
this still throbbin        
root chakra      
ball grindin music      
makes me want                
to just let go              
and move my body              
wildly to it              
but of course              
even fairly drunk            
and a little            
bit high                
i dont            
cause i guess                
im still            
just a little bit            
too socially uptight              
i spose              
here in the midst              
of this somewhat            
seedy              
pretty sleazy            
swollen              
sensory storm              
so instead            
i simply              
close my eyes              
to briefly visualize              
a much closer              
more intimate dance              
with certain              
prominant curvatures              
standin here              
around me            
both in my head            
and out              
till i suddenly realize              
yep  i guess            
its all come down            
to this              
these shadows                
and this alcohol              
are my closest                
friends            
allowin me              
to hide  forget              
and pretend              
for a little while              
here tonight          
at least             
that were all o k                
and safe enough            
to be ourselves            
or pretend to be            
whatever we want              
which momentarily              
comforts me            
here in my own              
inebriated pretendin             
by tellin  myself              
that i still              
somewhat resemble              
at least here presently          
in these dim lights            
tonight          
some  once              
much finer  younger              
hotter            
glory days version              
of me  myself  i
though now already       
so long gone by              
oh well            
what the hell                  
its halloween              
so as my            
predatory eyes              
dig in again          
beyond mere              
blatant suggestion              
still nothin           
is attained              
here for me tonight              
beyond this futile              
game            
of empty accumulation              
where so much              
redundant frustration              
only further compounds              
the ever deepenin        
sadness of all its              
vain          
lonesome ghosts            
and yet  i still              
only seem            
to just keep on            
pretendin          
while tryin so hard              
in my mind            
to believe              
that i too            
can have              
as much fun              
feel more like              
i sort of        
fit in            
with no need            
nor desire to belong            
and maybe even                
get lucky              
but apparently              
not here tonight              
so i leave            
before              
all the house lights            
come up              
just to beat              
the post stampede              
cause last call              
for alcohol              
always seems            
to scatter the beasts              
and so            
by leavin early              
i can stagger              
these streets alone              
where a flood                
of odd thoughts              
can stumble out                
here with me              
to be nakedly                
exposed            
to bathe away              
any residual shame              
they may or                
may not have              
here under the                
spirit cleansin             
light and open                
silent forgiveness              
of this equally              
naked full moon              
above            
then somehow              
back home again              
where the staggerinly        
bright            
bathroom light            
reveals the even          
harsher light          
of this increasinly        
persistent truth              
of my temples              
unmasked destruction              
lookin back out              
at me here      
from the bathroom mirror              
where my red            
tear filled eyes                
strain so desperately              
still seekin      
somethin better              
to believe in              
than this alone              
wherein these sudden              
though really not              
so sudden            
no more          
increasinly shockin        
ruins i see              
whether inebriated            
or not              
in their still            
disturbinly revealed            
and oh so        
obvious truth              
of who it is            
i seem        
to have become        
of who i am              
much too quickly              
becomin        
beyond this me        
i presently am        
further dwindlin      
breakin down into        
little more                
than rapidly approachin      
future dust              
too quickly evolvin now          
from the crumblin          
ever increasin           
inevitable                
deterioration              
of and from        
who        
i once was              
now here it            
and i        
both shadow and sum        
together are returned        
yet again          
back home alas        
four fifty three a m              
still numbly        
stuck          
sunk dark thoughts        
deep          
semi lost            
in the sleepless        
ramblin muck              
of this zombified        
paralytic haze        
and my brakeless              
runaway heads        
lonesome dread        
when suddenly              
i thought i heard            
from some unseen        
adjacent room          
the sad  faint                
echoes            
of someones distant            
ghostly cryin          
until i slowly              
then suddenly        
realized              
through my still              
lingerin        
muddle minded            
daze         
and to my even        
greater despair        
that those muffled              
inner cries            
i thought        
id surely heard         
were in sad  tragic
truth              
only my own        
here      
again