To the Son I Might Never Have

You are neither here nor there.
Gestating in your mother's womb,
like an idea waiting for,
The right mind,
The right time.
A creation of two minds and,
Two bodies that come together.
Two ideas of who you will be.
Of what you will be.
The achievements and failures that,
You
have yet to experience or,
might never get to.

Will you have my eyes?
My features, my love for
You?
Will you be strong, skilled, intelligent?
I wonder if you will,
I wonder if you can,
Be.

I'm afraid.
Afraid of the you who could
Never be,
Or could be.
Could live,
Exactly as I have.
Scared of a son who loves me,
More than
I could.

I am selfish and self-indulgent,
Self-righteous and self-loathing.
My bad parts outweigh my good,
And you are a part of,
Me.

The life you will live
Or not,
Is dependent,
On me
And yet,
I have no say.
Not here,
Nor there,
Nor anywhere.