No love lost no love gained

Just sitting here watching the wheels go  round and round,     wondering if it's better to be lost than to be found.             Waiting on the day that I ruin happiness again,       seems as if  the end is near even as I begin.        Always before my mind was lost in confusion,   love and tenderness are the perfect solution.      Wasting away losing my fucking mind,     seeking  distraction to keep up the daily grind.         Black thoughts bouncing thru my numb heart,     harder and harder to tell these miserable days apart.        Slowly the rage  builds till its like a time bomb ticking away,     trying to keep these dark demons hid each and everyday.     Anger at the universe  and my untold fate,     looking in the mirror and beginning to flirt with hate.     Bitterness at  the way I played the cards  I was dealt,     at times its been easy to deny the pain deeply felt.       Constant reminder that everyone deserves  much better,    despising myself down to every letter.          Where this road leads no one knows only actions are judged,       never doubt that my soul  is tarnished and smudged.