deepundergroundpoetry.com
Rain on a Flimsy Roof
What is apparent to us on rainy nights, under sleepless roof,
hidden by too much glass- Imagine the gallop of horse's hoof
tapping on darkened door with the destitution of the damned, a quickened pace,
a startle to start again old hearts, a creaking sky lights his face.
Do not see me here, do not haunt me, I'm the only ghost to romp
behind these walls this rainy night, to percuss with water drops.
Cymbal crashes to remind her I have held her; I calm her breath.
Evil I know too well, knocking forever evermore this door; death.
hidden by too much glass- Imagine the gallop of horse's hoof
tapping on darkened door with the destitution of the damned, a quickened pace,
a startle to start again old hearts, a creaking sky lights his face.
Do not see me here, do not haunt me, I'm the only ghost to romp
behind these walls this rainy night, to percuss with water drops.
Cymbal crashes to remind her I have held her; I calm her breath.
Evil I know too well, knocking forever evermore this door; death.
Published 7th Apr 2013
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The author encourages honest critique.
Anonymous
7th Apr 2013 8:24pm
Very well written & a wonderful read. In particular, I like:
"Cymbal crashes to remind her I have held her; I calm her breath."
In the last line did you mean "forevermore this door?"
Welcome to DU, HellzLips. Great job in this piece! :)
Carlene
"Cymbal crashes to remind her I have held her; I calm her breath."
In the last line did you mean "forevermore this door?"
Welcome to DU, HellzLips. Great job in this piece! :)
Carlene
7th Apr 2013 9:10pm
thank you, I appreciate the feedback.
I rewrote the last line a number of times, but the repetition is what I wanted.
I rewrote the last line a number of times, but the repetition is what I wanted.
Anonymous
7th Apr 2013 10:12pm
You're welcome. Yes, I've re-read it now. Taking a breath after "knocking forever" then "evermore this door." I like the repetition. Very nice! :)
Carlene
Carlene
30th Jan 2015 7:38pm
A good ramble of sensations and thoughts... Horrible misuse of punctuation! Also, no need for commas & periods with a shortened format! Just wasted strokes. Long winded title and a lot of reaching for ryhm... keep grindin
1st Feb 2015 1:16am
"Horrible" and "wasted"... are you trying to improve my 2 year old poem, or just get off on tearing something down that's different? I suppose I should shorten it to make each line no more than 4 words or so, pick a 1 word title, obviously not punctuate but be sure to use ampersands, pick cliche lines and metaphors to tell it, use odd spacing, and be more explicitly obvious in my depictions so my "ramble" looks like more of a story (which this is), but then my writing would look like yours.
I am open to constructive input, but don't feel like wasting my time reading insulting comments. Feel free to ignore my writing if this is how you "help spread the word."
I am open to constructive input, but don't feel like wasting my time reading insulting comments. Feel free to ignore my writing if this is how you "help spread the word."
2nd Feb 2015 7:54pm
The commas & periods were "wasted" strokes & the grammar was rough. Seems as tho you saw red after receiving a critique, rather than assessing possible changes. It doesn't have to follow a style to make it exempt from improvement. "Can't take the heat..." I imagine you know where to go
