Submissions by blocat
POEMS AND SHORT STORIES
Poet Introduction
Comedy writer and also write serious stuff from the heart when I'm in the mood. Without humour life has no real balance and we take ourselves too seriously. I use humour as armour against the slings and arrows of outrageous circumstance. ;-)
FICTIONAL PROSE
Published
29th Mar 2022 1:05am
29th Mar 2022 1:05am
Accidental Discharge
Mary was late for work but needed to put the washing in. Dashing to her son’s bedroom to retrieve his soiled clothes, she flung open the door. 'Oh, my God!' She recoiled, crimson faced!’
'I was just cleaning it, mummy, and it went off by accident. I wasn’t masturbating, honestly.'
'I was just cleaning it, mummy, and it went off by accident. I wasn’t masturbating, honestly.'
#funny
307 reads
2 Comments
FICTIONAL PROSE
Published
4th Mar 2022 00:21am
4th Mar 2022 00:21am
Bitten in the Outback (A tale from Australia)
Gotta take a piss, Bluey.’
‘Mind how you go, Bruce.’
Piddling into a bush, Bruce screams ‘my cock’s been snakebit, Bluey.’
Bluey takes a peep, ‘it looks bad, mate.’
‘If the poison ain’t sucked out immediately, I’ll die, Bluey.’
‘You’ve been a great mate, Bruce, I’m sure gonna miss ya.’
‘Mind how you go, Bruce.’
Piddling into a bush, Bruce screams ‘my cock’s been snakebit, Bluey.’
Bluey takes a peep, ‘it looks bad, mate.’
‘If the poison ain’t sucked out immediately, I’ll die, Bluey.’
‘You’ve been a great mate, Bruce, I’m sure gonna miss ya.’
#fiction
323 reads
2 Comments
FICTIONAL PROSE
Published
17th Feb 2022 11:55pm
17th Feb 2022 11:55pm
A Year to the Day
Valentine’s day twelve months ago her Mum died.
Entering, Mary called ‘Hi, Dad, it’s me’ then she gasped.
He was sitting at the table; across, an empty place was set with a red rose. ‘Oh, daddy, you sweet romantic soul!’
She sobbed, kissed his cooling forehead and closed his eyes.
Entering, Mary called ‘Hi, Dad, it’s me’ then she gasped.
He was sitting at the table; across, an empty place was set with a red rose. ‘Oh, daddy, you sweet romantic soul!’
She sobbed, kissed his cooling forehead and closed his eyes.
#love
459 reads
2 Comments
MISCELLANEOUS POEM
Published
12th Dec 2021 10:28am
12th Dec 2021 10:28am
Gobble-de-Gook
If you gave me six inches I wouldn't be sad
Though it’s not the biggest I've ever had
If you offered me seven
I’d be in heaven
Eight, nine even ten I've managed but then
I tried a twelve incher, oh never again
It stuck in my throat though I sucked it and blew
My mouth was wedged open and so I withdrew
My gobbling technique I have to refine
And I will, I promise, just wait 'til next time
I got runner up and most were impressed
Good for a novice at the sausage eating contest.
(Well what did you think I was talking about?)
Though it’s not the biggest I've ever had
If you offered me seven
I’d be in heaven
Eight, nine even ten I've managed but then
I tried a twelve incher, oh never again
It stuck in my throat though I sucked it and blew
My mouth was wedged open and so I withdrew
My gobbling technique I have to refine
And I will, I promise, just wait 'til next time
I got runner up and most were impressed
Good for a novice at the sausage eating contest.
(Well what did you think I was talking about?)
#happiness
327 reads
2 Comments
FICTIONAL PROSE
Published
1st Dec 2021 7:27pm
1st Dec 2021 7:27pm
Not Habitual
#loneliness
#shame
#frustration
381 reads
0 Comments
DRUGS POEM
Published
20th Nov 2021 3:29am
20th Nov 2021 3:29am
Sacrifice
We sacrificed everything for you, Andrew, the private education we struggled to afford, then off to University carrying our love and hopes for your future.
Then you got into drugs. All our hopes for you destroyed.”
I turned away, bitter tears flowing.
The man put the lid back over him.
Then you got into drugs. All our hopes for you destroyed.”
I turned away, bitter tears flowing.
The man put the lid back over him.
#heartbroken
#emptiness
507 reads
5 Comments
DARK POEM
Published
1st Nov 2021 12:21pm
1st Nov 2021 12:21pm
Retribution
#anger
#dark
#shame
293 reads
0 Comments
STORY POEM
Published
25th Oct 2021 1:55am
25th Oct 2021 1:55am
Prince Charming
A young man of extraordinary charm
Caused many a parent alarm
By convincing young girls
He'd buy them some pearls
And swearing they'd come to no harm
One day whilst screwing a virgin
Encouraged by her passionate urging
He failed to hear
Her father draw near
Boy, was he in for a purging
Grabbed his neck, bollock bare
He was marched, to the old village square
Dressed only in his socks,
He was thrust in the stocks
And left to stand shamefully there
He was pelted with bad eggs and fruit
And coated...
Caused many a parent alarm
By convincing young girls
He'd buy them some pearls
And swearing they'd come to no harm
One day whilst screwing a virgin
Encouraged by her passionate urging
He failed to hear
Her father draw near
Boy, was he in for a purging
Grabbed his neck, bollock bare
He was marched, to the old village square
Dressed only in his socks,
He was thrust in the stocks
And left to stand shamefully there
He was pelted with bad eggs and fruit
And coated...
#funny
335 reads
2 Comments
FICTIONAL PROSE
Published
14th Oct 2021 6:51pm
14th Oct 2021 6:51pm
Merlin's Bones
Minerva was almost home when she was violently snatched. The man got out of the car a couple of yards in front of her. ‘Excuse me, lady, I’m lost, can you help me, please?’ His smile was broad, his accent American, his pungent aftershave expensive. ‘This darned budget rental doesn’t have satellite navigation.’ He waved ruefully at the vehicle.
It was dark, and Minerva was nervous, the leafy trees stopped most of the streetlight from reaching the pavement. Weary after her long evening shift at the hospital, she just wanted a bath and her bed.
She stopped in front of the well-dressed...
It was dark, and Minerva was nervous, the leafy trees stopped most of the streetlight from reaching the pavement. Weary after her long evening shift at the hospital, she just wanted a bath and her bed.
She stopped in front of the well-dressed...
#mythology
329 reads
0 Comments
FICTIONAL PROSE
Published
23rd Jun 2021 7:04pm
23rd Jun 2021 7:04pm
Wild Sex and Weddings
Wild Sex and Weddings
Have you noticed that there's a' spare uncle' in almost every group photo of a sixties or seventies wedding?
He is the little man on the end, grinning inanely into the camera. His jacket cuffs overhang his knuckles and his wrinkled trousers sag over his down-at-heel shoes. A nylon shirt with a fly-away collar and an ill-matched tie usually completes this ensemble. The other guests avoid him like the plague. There’s every chance this epitome of sartorial inelegance was my late Uncle Eddie, bus driver and weekend wedding crasher.
Eddie, a...
Have you noticed that there's a' spare uncle' in almost every group photo of a sixties or seventies wedding?
He is the little man on the end, grinning inanely into the camera. His jacket cuffs overhang his knuckles and his wrinkled trousers sag over his down-at-heel shoes. A nylon shirt with a fly-away collar and an ill-matched tie usually completes this ensemble. The other guests avoid him like the plague. There’s every chance this epitome of sartorial inelegance was my late Uncle Eddie, bus driver and weekend wedding crasher.
Eddie, a...
#satirical
451 reads
11 Comments
FICTIONAL PROSE
Published
6th May 2021 2:40pm
6th May 2021 2:40pm
Banjaxed
The most thrilling day of my life was the day I was murdered.
The sun was bright, blessing the morning with spring warmth that foretold summer. The trees were newly leafing, and the scent of blossom filled the park.
‘Do you want another game, John?’ I asked.
John smiled a little ruefully ‘two defeats are enough for one morning, Alan’ he said, packing his bowls away. ‘Besides, I’m going to my son’s house for lunch, a rare treat these days.’
It was such a lovely morning that I was reluctant to return to my bachelor pad. ‘OK, I’ll just practice on my...
The sun was bright, blessing the morning with spring warmth that foretold summer. The trees were newly leafing, and the scent of blossom filled the park.
‘Do you want another game, John?’ I asked.
John smiled a little ruefully ‘two defeats are enough for one morning, Alan’ he said, packing his bowls away. ‘Besides, I’m going to my son’s house for lunch, a rare treat these days.’
It was such a lovely morning that I was reluctant to return to my bachelor pad. ‘OK, I’ll just practice on my...
#funny
335 reads
0 Comments
FICTIONAL PROSE
Published
9th Jan 2021 2:54pm
9th Jan 2021 2:54pm
Raising Cane
Another 50 worder
“I will not tolerate violence” roared our headmaster, thumping his desk.
Billy and me got six strokes of the cane.
“So much for non-violence” I muttered. I got two more.
Billy and I had fought over Molly Molloy; she rejected us both.
'Boys who fight are stupid,' she said.
“I will not tolerate violence” roared our headmaster, thumping his desk.
Billy and me got six strokes of the cane.
“So much for non-violence” I muttered. I got two more.
Billy and I had fought over Molly Molloy; she rejected us both.
'Boys who fight are stupid,' she said.
#strength
479 reads
4 Comments
DU Poetry : Submissions by blocat
