Regret

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No rules about style.

Goddess of Ravens  (Thursday, December 20, 2012)
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You were young
Once and so was i
Unknowing of the truth
Radiant in our happiness
.
Living in the moment those three years of our distance
Insistent on a future I didn't know you didn't share
Eagerly anticipating the change
Saving me from being an evil man
.
Making me love you more each day
After discovering your lies
Damned for what i knew
Enticed by your body and mind
.
Marrying you was always my goal
Else why put my freedom in your hands
.
And here we are years later
.
call me, save me
help me set my self free
in the darkness of my mind
long tortured for the love we shared
during the time that you were more mature than i
.
maybe you can
only see your side
likely just you getting your way
easily finding your prey in me
serving you with all i did
terrible in my hopes and dreams
ending when you chose one not a coward
resolute in abandoning me

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http://deepundergroundpoetry.com/poems/186005-goddess-of-ravens-thursday-december-20/

apology to a wife betrayed (All Hallows Even 2012)

===================================
sorry that i couldn't tell you how i felt in person
i do not deserve you
i do not know how i feel
i only know that i am constantly lonely
-
i cannot see us reaching thirty years
i can barely see us continuing for thirty days
you deserve someone that can love you with a whole heart
perhaps someone living in reston
-
every time i bought something for my self
i would think about the bills, get angry about the
monthly eight hundred fifty for your sisters house
and do it any way
-
i would spend nights talking to people i would never see
i was lonely and had found friends
i was not expecting what happened
i did not expect to hurt you again
-
i did not recognize the danger signs
i barely know my self
maybe therapy will tell me the truth
you need to be happy, you need to be free

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http://deepundergroundpoetry.com/poems/185582-apology-to-a-wife-betrayed-all-hallows/

Double Stuffed

The taste of an Oreo cookie
is such a grand thing,
thought I to myself as I opened
the package for three.
It's been rather long since I heeded
my sweet tooth's remorse -
long, indeed, think'st I with a shrug
as I reached for three more.
Midnight cometh - I sank with indulgence
to the Oreo's call;
A mistake that I cannot erase:
I had eaten them all.

My stomach is grumbling loud: "Rowan,
what have you done?!"
No matter; come morning tomorrow
I'll go for a run.

Hahahahahahahahahhahahahahahahahahahaa I loved this.

You

I wasn't for you
you weren't for me
I took you for granted
alabastar, porcelain, granite and me
your touch brought me to my knees, your love...
set me free.

Final months

To my nan,
who dragged me up by my tailcoat,
who's only enforced boundary was dishonesty,
who had laughed in the face of danger
and maintained her vulnerability.

To my nan,
who despite finding cancer within
charged on and controlled what was possible until,
who loved like no other knew how to properly
who laughed, who stayed up late, who was wise.

To my nan, who was suicidal,
who was slowly being defeated,
who no longer wished to take the pills, and drink plain water, and wear a wig,
my nan who needed toiletry aid.

To my nan,
who I left to go travelling in Europe,
who I knew had such little time left,
who loved me infinitely and didn't judge,
who needed me.

To my nan,
who went to hospital,
who refused to see family when they took you in,
who was found on the floor after falling from bed an hour prior, in foetal,
who stopped drinking water and eating.

To my nan,
the embassy was contacted to get me a fast flight home,
who managed to get out of hospital on her own terms to spend her last nights
with her husbands hand to hold - bed to bed,
I am so sorry for the hideousness, my part in it and my lack of giving you everything I had.

To my nan,
whose skin mottled and rotted and needed re-bandaging,
who - in her final hour
told me that she wasn't allowed in the fruit bowl on the dinner table
as it was Fathers pride, and joy
who I sat with as the pale skin turned cold and the rigor mortis set in
thank you, for existing. I am sorry, I was a fool.

Crying, I am, doubting, I am, anyone can surpass this.  

The Hardest Story About The Easy Way



The easiest story of all to understand
is the one about the good guy who's raw deal
turned him bad

but I've endured the sight of
aged regret and brewed rage
bitterness leaves a stain that's
impossible to erase

I was a see-saw person who woke up in the sky
and saw who was down on the other side
a strong heart full of hate can't match the strength
of a shattered heart repaired
with love

because the hardest story to comprehend
is the one where the good guy goes on
forgives the pusher for the fall
keeps smiling in spite of wrongs

but I've seen that look as well
the soft glow of a beautiful core
a youthfulness that doesn't get old
the wonders of a soul unsold

The Ruins

My world is bleak
I have never fallen this far before
I suffer alone nowhere to turn
No light can penetrate this darkness
To guide me out into the real world
I have failed at the best thing in my life
I let it fall apart
Right through my hands it slipped away
I should have fought harder
I am now consumed with pain, anger and sorrow
My bottle my only comfort
Welcomes me without judgment
I take my elixir to kill the pain and
Cope with the broken world
I have to live in
It is a selfish decision
I know but I still choose it
I will pay for this later
My selfish needs have to be met
Dysfunction is an everyday thing
Still I survive in this way
An eternity it seems
I nurture courage for awhile
And cope without a crutch
To rebuild what I have neglected
These dark days of self-pity
Failure however stalks me
At every corner bar
I gather my friends as a final plea for help
But they only pat me on the back and
Numb me with wine and song
Till my heart settles in its own tears
I have seen the ruins of my life and
They are made of flesh and bone.

Léa

Between the hammer and the anvil,
I seem to float at standstill,
My hand slowing going through your black hair,
A tender caress filled with despair.

I do not care for tonight,
So please, let me be your knight,
I draw my sword and you open your sheath,
And here we go, in a few rapid breaths.

Your body is a work of art,
And I am at its heart,
I sculpted everything since its start,
And now am begging for a restart.

Your freedom attracts me between your legs,
Filled from a hundred men’s dregs,
And now cleaned with mine, too recently,
But also passionately and pleasantly.

I can’t give you what you want,
For that you’re the prey I haunt,
I wish I could but my heart is out of reach,
And for freedom I beseech.

Apologies

All these hopes you placed in me make me tumble,
As they so abruptly tremendously crumble,
Nothing shall be meant to end this way,
But you need to understand that I rarely do things halfway.

I am sorry for holding on,
When I should have withdrawn.

I meant everything to you and your hazel eyes,
And pushing you to edges was surely unwise,
Since it did nothing but tear us apart,
And leave our beloved path to finally part.

I am sorry for destroying you,
And hurting myself too.

You pulled yourself together in the blink of an eye,
For that you are stronger than you think,
And can find a new track when pushed to your brink,
There is but one thing I can say now, and it’s goodbye.

I am sorry for not sharing your strength,
And trying losing the battle at length.

I have lost the love of my short life,
And if today dead I look, please let her know,
Because terrible moments I now undergo,
And far away I wish I could blink.

I am sorry for feeling this way,
And not being able to meet you halfway.

Even if you holding me close you now can’t,
I am the flowers surrounding you, yes, this little plant,
I am the rain pouring down your cheeks,
And will look after you until your very last weeks.

I am sorry for leaving you alone,
And in your memory being set in stone.

Hemingway

one bullet is all it takes
to decorate the walls
with brain pancakes.
a hole in the head
would be the perfect punctuation
to any life sentence.

did he run out of things to write.
or did he have an itch
so deep
that it had to be scratched
by death.

For A Friend

Was saddened to hear of your death, old friend
None know better than I
How cloudy thoughts
Make for gray days

I wish I could have given you
The hope that was given me
But they say you're years gone away

So as fond memories bleed bittersweet
I sit and wonder
If suicide is painless
Why is my heart so heavy?

Time has past.

And when i slept,
And when i woke up,

I could think only about you,
Running in the cold chasing a school bus,

Just to see your eyes,

I hated to go school.
I ran a road no stop to go to school,

For your birthday,
Under the rain,

But you were not there.

I was dreaming and dreaming,
And i was too late to declare to you.

I was just trying to look cool,
But it did not work, what a fool.

I remember you with long hair and no make up,
Then a day you did show up like a model.

But i did still like the old one of you,
And still i prefer it.

Then a day i did meet you,
You were not anymore the little girl that you used to be.

I was not as well a poor boy running to an hated school,
Only to see you.

I did tell you what i did feel back about you,
But you did not care and made fun of it.

Not a chance to meet you,
Not a chance to have a drink with you.

I still now think to like you,
But i killed anything about you.

Just the little shy girl with long hair.
Is what i remember. And soon to be gone.