Comedic Poetry!

Hurt as many spleens as possible with your poetry. Black Humor, White Humor, Sarcasm, bad humor,  anything you need to do to make it funny.

no limit to entries or length. Feel free to set up a whole show.

The Pleiades

The Pleiades,
The Seven sisters,
The beautiful daughters of Atlas,
Seven points of light,
Whirling forever across the heavens
In their endless dance.
Do you realize
We can see right up your skirts from down here?

http://i1317.photobucket.com/albums/t623/curlycue23/10959428_1068844386474879_3501854087828656817_n_zpsf17a70c1.jpg

There once was a farmer from East Texas
Who thought he'd fool around on the Mrs.
But in the hay mow
While screwing a sow
His wife jabbed a pitch fork in his ass

loven it people, keep them comin.

I'm not sure if older entries are ok but here's one.

Here's the video
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dZp0vRFKI_8&feature=player_embedded


Buzzsaw

I slept with a wasp last night.
No, I'm not reliving 1977
Barnstorming upstate college town bars
Trolling for femme fatales
On the fickle side of friendly.
This was an honest to god badass bug.
A winged ninja assassin
Surprisingly docile by my pillow.
Exotic eyes fawning over me
In a sweet and innocent
Expression of buggy love.
Six long legs stretching
Seductively as the alarm
Goes off with Al Green
Crooning “Let's stay together,”
Till my wife leans over
Her lips like valentines
Quivering to Reverend Al
And all hell breaks loose
For as any fool will tell
Hell hath no fury.
The wasp dive bombs us
Till my wife runs out the door
Screaming, “Kill that bitch!”
I picked up a People magazine
But she was buzzing by
With such unbridled passion
I knew light reading would not do.
So I rolled up a copy of Poets and Writers,
Jumping on the bed en garding like Errol Flynn.
The wasp, jet black and sleek, facing
Me in a stained t shirt and plaid boxer shorts.
A Mexican stand off.
I thought I spied a sadness
In one of her eyes so I thought
Of offering a truce where I'd set her up
In a little hive just outside the bedroom window.
We could spend plenty of time together on the sly.
I searched her face for a smile but found only a sneer
As she came at me like Glenn Close in “Fatal Attraction.”
And I'm flailing away like an epileptic Zorro
Breaking two bulbs on the ceiling fan,
Perfume bottles flying from the dresser,
Picture frames falling off the walls
Till I tripped laying on the floor defenseless
Till the door opened
Giving way to a floral scented fog
Where my wife's silhouette appears
Her finger pressing down on the button
Of the aerosol can like Senator Joe McCarthy
Pushing the big red button to annihilate the communists.
Gritting her teeth and scowling
In her best Clint Eastwood,
“Nobody fucks with the queen of this house.”  

The doctor ask me,

“When was the last,
Time you had,
Had an erection?”

How was I to tell him?

It was,
The other night,
While sitting there,
After dinner,
Having a liqueur,
I was pressing one lip,
Against the other,
Savoring the,
Pleasant burn,
Of the Courvoisier,
That she looked,
At me,
Sparkle in her eye,
Smiled shyly,
Wet let lips,
With the tip,
Of her tongue,
And whispered,
“I’m not wearing any panties.”

You see,
My date,
That other night,
Was his daughter.

Hell,
You say?

You say,
It’s going to be,
The fires of hell,
For me?

Well,
If its to be hell,
And all its heat,
I best get to the store.

I need to stock up on,
Marshmallows.

Oh - - -
And some graham crackers;
Hersey’s chocolate bars,
Too.

Damn-It

I
Once,
Had a coal,
Black,
Cat.

Named him,
“Damnit”.

Just,
To,
Annoy,
The neighbors.

When I,
Pushed open,
The back door,
And,
Screamed at the top of my lungs,
For him,
To come in,
For the night.

I do not Have a Spleen to Break

I tried to find
A way to bind
A daft,
Fun laugh
Inside this rhyme

Your humorous command
I will do, if I can
But my spleen won't break
It was the doctor's to take
I'm left without the organ

All that is left is a scar
On the place I was marred
Nearly as long as a foot
A warning when rain is afoot
It only hurts when I spar

Get it while you can
I was down in Houston Texas

Just hit the streets, after doin time

Walking through a neighborhood

only one thing on my mind

Then i heard an angel voice call out

"hey there, you want some of this"

a big tit beautiful blonde girl stood

her body could take me to bliss

She brought me inside of her big bad home

laid me right there on the floor

I hit her like a jack hammer

while she kept screaming "big boy gimme more"

i switched it into second gear

flipped her over, now shes on top

she slipped and glided right down my pole

I thought I was going to pop

Now we had been going at it,

im guessing for quite some time

our bodies were at a fever pitch

my hips were in full grind

Now that feeling start to cumin

My balls they felt like Brass

Then I woke up in my cellmates bunk

My dick stuck up his ass

I said hello
To a cockroach this morning
Because I thought it was you
But I corrected myself
And apologized
To the bug.

(I'm sorry if this offends anybody)

The very second it started
I knew I was doomed
It felt like bugs crawling
Into my ears
Eating away at my eardrums
Pretty soon they were bleeding
Then the bugs went in further
Started to chow down my brain
The headache was unbearable
My head started to throb.
I fell to the floor.
About ready to have a seizure
I knew if I had to go through
This torture any longer
I would die
It’s only been three minutes,
But it feels like an eternity.
How could I have made this
Horrible mistake-
Of listening to Justin Bieber’s music?

Sorry this probably wasn't what you were looking for but I thought I would try it anyways and see how it goes.  

It was good and entirly what i'm looking for.

Congrats to Colten for the big win.

However, had I known the comp starter was going to flake out naming the actual winning submissions, I wouldn't have bothered.

All entries removed.