Why Keep Living?

My reason to keep living is my best friend, my bestie. He has saved my life countless times and I have saved his. He's my reason to smile, to keep trying, to never give up. I love him with all of my heart.

Now you know my reason,
what's your's?

In a moment of weakness
I created another life
One that deserves more than my reckless abandoment

In a moment of weakness
I allowed myself to fall in love with a man
One that would probably mourn my passing

In a moment of weakness
I made a promise that I wouldn't allow death to seduce me at a young age
One that i have broken once already

In a moment of weakness
I let a joy for life touch my mind
One that i crave to find again

My moments of weakness
Now have become my strength to go on

Passion To Wake Every Such Morning
This world is shadowed by the darkness embalmed
Where is the good, through the eyes of a loner away
I sit in a field of dying fire, waking up with a flower in my mind
Blooming with the blood of the lost, I sit and recall a memory so distant, as if not there
Forgotten souls wonder this plane, with us and without

I sit with the flower in hand, it shows me what I need
Inspiration in such little petals
Every day it blooms once more, giving hope to those who need, and strength to those fallen
Making a path I shall walk, lighting up the way

A flower lays at each simple need in my world
One lays at each friend I have, though there may be few, but that's enough
More lays at each family member, ones I see daily, ones I don't

A flower lies in the sky for those of the past giving me hope, strength, advice
The petals flow off, each for a remembrance, don't give up, you are you, keeping me from falling hard
They lay on the ground, helping me find the path I walk today
Some are seen, some are felt, some are in the heart and soul

I walk to sit in a field full of such sorrow, yet knowledge that it's going to be alright
I set a flower next to stone, old yet as if new, the memories no longer haunt
I walk away, knowing their in my heart, next to my soul

I sit on my bed, thinking and thinking
With what shows to be in my own hand just what I need
So it seems, there appears a flower, in my own hand
I am me, and that's just what I need

Days shall pass that I feel no need, so down, the path is shadowed
The petals fall endless for seen, taking away such a happy me
The minutes are endless in a world so long
Life is short, yet is a long song

Take a flower, from me to you
You are amazing, such to inspire, such to give
This flower you take, it shows you the way
Keep in mind, a flower of such power is only for great
But without all of you, no one would know, such a side of me, too

to be continued

It's hard to think of a future
when I've never had one before

hard to imagine a world
without the clinking of bottles
or the drugs I take for nerves
lined up on the bathroom shelf.

Never been a two-up-two downer,
never been ready to settle down
with the nine to five
and a couple of kids

but recently, I saw my husband
mow the lawn to the radio
and watched a longing
for our empty photo frames

to be filled

with the smiles of a world
I never had, to start again
away from all the drama
of my crazy life...

and I'm ready to tell him
how I love his hands
when they stroke my hair
when I sleep

and how my thoughts
are not his fault;
that I write most days
to stay alive

though it doesn't make me
any less fearful

If you were a sky scraper
I would make chicken little scream
"The sky is falling"
As I crashed to Earth
Never make you simply reach for me
I would rather be an office worker
9-5 grind
if I could only be within your frames
I'll be your secretary, sir
bend me over your desk
and rip the seam off my pencil skirt
as you fuck me over paper work
fuck paperwork
   Literally.
Love me, want me, I'm yours to take
Does that make me weak?
BDSM
That word scares me
But I kinda want you to own me
Master, can I call you that in bed?
Because when you give me orders
I can't breath
That soft, rusty voice
makes me so fucking wet
Fuck me so hard
We go back to the stars
Figure out whether
it's all projection theory at last.

Dark Truth

I could claim an unselfish devotion
that made me rise above failing
but I'd be lying
depression took me lower than that
to dark places where love is more a memory
living as a responsibility
and the self is an echo on rewind or pause

It'd be dishonest of me to act like
being a mother, a daughter, a partner
a friend
kept me out of the shrinks office
involuntarily staying at the Hotel California
again

I've had too many sessions trying
to balance my brain with another concoction
and talk my way back to normal
panic being the only emotion I felt
when I wasn't numb or sinking


so I won't act like I've never seen the bottom
of a signed suicide note and prescription bottles
but I will confess that its the debt to myself
and feeling that the person I am has had enough
that keeps me on guard for the approach of darkness
now that I've found the light and life is worth it
and I've learned that some people aren't

some days I'm running and on others I'm crawling
I swear there are demons and angels fighting me
but the universe keeps helping me keep on
reminding me that this life means something
so much more

I'm not unaware enough to pretend
that who I love and how much
can keep me going when the destroyer returns
but I've learned how to run and who'll help me fight
and not to underestimate human evil
or dance with its incarnations anymore

I can see the light that comes from darkness
shines brightest of all
it's hard to live until hindsight though
I know

    DEATH IS TOO BORING.
"why keep fighting to breathe to live?"
Young girl ask the old man.
He been laying on this bed for five years now
each dawn he get more frail
smaller
the pain intensifies...
But his eyes remains as clear as the azure skies.
He motions his great granddaughter to draw the curtains
slowly
half a step a time
he make his way to the window and push them wide
"Princess" He calls her
"I have lived more decades than i bargained for.
I have seen wars and birth of nations
Cradle of Civilization and discovery of technology
and this thing going around,revolution you call,i have bore witness to."
His shaky hand reach for the cuppa on the table
after two three mellow sips he continuous.
"I have loved and been adored
Cherished as i have been treasured
hurt as much as i have been harmed
rejected as much as i been dejected
judged as much as i have been mis-quoted...
I have tasted and own world's most exotic flavors
I have taken risks and build empires that will live more than any of you
I have caved a name that your generations will forever ride on
I have walked in the wilderness and a left a trail where others will follow..."
"I have done,experienced,seen and have it all."
He clench his toothless jaw that runs a crease on his face
"Your mother think i have lived too long."He laments
And to you my little dove, am another burden.
You are all eager to see me gone
you pray my lungs will fail me anytime soon."
He spits on the ground,then shoot the young lady a disgusting look
"Why i keep living?i keep breathing?i keep fighting?
I have but a phrase for an answer."
"DEATH IS TOO BORING."
Haha!
He lets out a mean laugh that echoes down the hallway
followed by a long rough dry cough
"Not to today Mr.Death,not today."
He sit back and continue to enjoy the ambrosia.
He has seen another spring,
he awaits the summer,the fall and the winter after that!

In Grandpa's words
i find a lesson i shall forever keep.
To fight the hollows of each night for a new day
to make each breath count while i still have my being
and to keep on keeping on living.
Because somewhere down the horizon
in the dark shadows of the sun
death lurks.
And like grandpa says
DEATH IS TOO BORING!

I wrote this a couple of years ago, but it seemed apt for the topic. Anyone who knows London will recognize the title as the message which comes over the PA at tube stations warning people about the gap between the train and the platform.

Mind the Gap

How do we fill in the gap between being born and dying?
With sleeping and talking and thinking and walking and shopping and driving and flying;
With meeting friends, making amends, trying to put things right,
Wishing we’d done things differently in the middle of the night.
Some of us kill, some of us swill, some of us cheat on our wives,
Some of us nurture our children, some of us ruin their lives.
Some fill the gap with boredom, lumbering from bed to settee,
Wasting life’s precious allotment gorging on daytime TV;
Others are obsessively active, never a moment to spare -
Running committees and holding collections and badgering those who don’t care.
Some of us squander, some of us ponder, most of us bumble along,
Going to work, paying the bills, hoping it won’t all go wrong.

And what did it bring us, we wonder, as decline turns into fall:
Surprise, awareness, knowledge, fun…and love, ah yes, love, most of all.

I keep living, because I am not in charge of my death
I don’t decide when I take my last breath

It is not for me to say why
There is no one to ask when to say goodbye

If I had to give a reason for not ending my life
It would be the dullness of that knife

Or perhaps that there wasn’t a sharp enough tool
Or the noose slipped, as I jumped off the stool

What if there weren’t enough pills in the bottle
Or enough gas in the car to propel the throttle

I keep waking up for a reason
And living through another season

Wasting my life, hurting myself, wishing for peace
I keep screwing up hoping I would become deceased

Choosing to stay around the people who hate
I’ve become a self-fulfilling prophecy of late

Continuing to barely function; not caring about myself
I don’t wash, love, or clean up around the house

The echos of voices in the past ring loud and clear
“That girl has made nothing of her life!” They don’t know of my fear

Even though I have given up a few times, and allowed tears to shed
There is one and only one goal in my head

That some day, I will live where it is warm and quiet
Will be no chaos, dysfunction, or personal riot

I will be respected; wanting to give of myself freely
Some day perhaps I will find love, while returning to my family

There are not many reasons to smile for me anymore
But I appreciate the few times I do, always hoping for more

I have come to believe there is no one who can save me from
myself; I’ve become old, fat, useless, and wouldn’t want to burden anyone

I Live

I live for all the things I've never seen.
For the books I've never read,
And the places I've never been.

I live for the food I haven't tasted
And all the laughs I've kept inside.
I live for every oppertunity to get wasted
And the chance to be a bride.

I live for every life I've touched and will,
And the chance to see her smile for real.

For the good times and the bad.

For the oppertunities to be both happy and sad.

I live for the awkward moments that make life weird

I live for the steaks that need to be eaten

And the chances to prove that I'll never be beaten.

This is my creed, you've probably heard it someplace before,
But these are the things I choose to live for.

Because the alternative
seems a little grim.

Tether
                          Lily-
sometimes                     the
it's all too easy                            flower
to fall into self-deprecation                        that
the neverending circles of sorrow                           is
that howl through lumbering problems                           my
seemingly intangible; insurmountable                                       tether
when the day to day grinds out                                       The                                            
life's pigment and luster                                 flower                                   everyday i live to
to overwhelming                                that                                      glimpse the world through
dullness                                       is                                                 your crisp and curious eyes;
                                      so                                            mornings i wake to have your laughter
                                                                                  round out and soften life's jagged edges;
                     tender                                                  i will always fight to gift you a childhood
                                       The                                                           to cherish and remember;
                                                      flower                              to  foster a future of abundance,
To my                                                               that                          adventure, vibrancy, and
Goddaughter- Lily Rayne                                                 holds                      unconditional joy
I love you with all                                                                         me
my heart.                                                                                                  together

   I LIVE FOR MY UNBORN PRINCESS MIA.

She is light skin
blonde hair with curls
a perfect mixture of our different racial spring.
A gap in between her front teeth
and two tiny dimples on her cheeks.
Haha!
She is so beautiful and fragile
very intelligent and sweet.
She has a castle in the garden
she believes she is Cinderella.

My unborn princess Mia.
I dreamed of her ever since i was sixteen.
at nineteen i thought this was it
only i had no groom.
so when he put a ring on it on my 21st birthday
i knew it would be anytime soon.
But when we went our separate ways an year after that
it was another doom.

Now am 24,turning 25yrs soon
and i think i have found the right Mon.
But with all the distance and miles separating us
i think it will take a few passing of the moon.

Each night before i drift off
i close my eyes
place my hand on the tummy
and listen as her tiny legs tries to kick it off.
Each dawn when i wake
i kiss 'Mia the teddy' on the forehead
as i shall each day when we wake.

I live for that soft wail
when doctors cut that tail.
I live for the bite of her first set of teeth
announcing she is about to outgrow my tits.

I breath for the day she calls me 'mama'!
I breath for the day she runs down those stairs
without my arms as her guide and armor.
I breath for that scared innocent look
when i let go of her hand on her first day to school.

I fight for the day she comes home crying
with her first heart break.
I fight for the day those tall legs makes a win on the run way
granting her a career through break.

I live for the day she reach the teens
start to see me as her evil twin.
I breath for the day my baby girl walks down the aisle
with pride besides her father all glamorous and in style.
I fight for the day she hit forty
and everything she feels becomes a fight.

I live for the day she will comb my gray hair
tuck me to bed with a kiss on my forehead
as i once did to her.

I breath for the day i shall dies
old,toothless and with a smile
because i know she will be standing by.

I live, breath and fight to live
till she is live
right here in my life.

Drops of beer, screaming always tomorrow...
Living here, right now wrapping my soul in your  thoughts
thoughts of crying out in a longing protective sigh
infinity has lied
Time that God itself has blessed
demand i move into happiness
Does time know, I have cursed at the sun to howl at the moon?
Given everything to have nothing
My mental flesh cut by simple words of sharp consequences
a heart scarred where signed
Let me be a feather on your rising omnipresent wings
Dreams of being a slingshot to my rock
There is always tomorrow...

You only live once
Enjoy every moment...

Once your dead theres no coming back

Like a tree that you hack.. Down

so why frown

good night town

im a slight clown!

Yaaaaaawn

and the last place position goes to........ME!


Lmao im exasted bed time for me...

Im done

G night!

Zzz...