Inner Battles

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Panic & Anxiety

my hand trembles as my nerves
stretch to the point of breaking
particles of sanity collect in my palm
moist and cool against my scorching skin
my hands constrict
and draw into fists
driving my nails
like thorns into my flesh
the shot of pain
snaps me back for a moment
but only for a brief respite
the muscles in my hands
start a chain reaction
that transverses up my arms
and into my shoulders
the tension settles in the back of my neck
and draws up the muscles from my shoulder blades
every nerve stands at attention

a spark of fear
drips from my eye
and runs down my cheek
leaving an eroded trail in its wake
my breath is labored and shallow
I feel as though
I cannot get enough air
I gasp and swallow hard
and anxiety gets stuck in my throat
a seizure of thought
followed by a wave of overwhelming panic
rushes across my body and I am paralyzed
pins and needles begin
to tickle the tips of my toes
moving slowly up my foot to my ankle
just before it all goes numb


I feel the anxiety invade my face
floaters of black cancer
swarm in my peripheral
the beginning stages of a full blackout
tunnel vision corrupts my eyes
and I stare at the world through a straw
my tender lips start to tingle
just as the needles
insert themselves into my nerve endings
I think my tongue is swelling
engorged inside my mouth
making it harder to catch my shallow breath
I open my mouth
and lick my lips
dead flesh upon dead flesh
I try to swallow
but my throat constricts
and the the mass of saliva
sticks to back of my tongue
I feel like I am trying to breathe through mud

my lungs are on fire
my hearts races
and slows
skipping beats along the way
the pressure in my chest
the relentless burning
and then a cold sweat covers my body
like an frosty rain
I think I am going to throw up

the trembling once isolated to my hands
has now infected my entire body
my legs grow unsteady
rushes of panic course through me
weak I feel like they are made of jello
and unable to support my weight
the muscles in my jaw pull tight
grinding my teeth without remorse
my head seems to float with weightlessness
swimming in a sea of doubt and dread
I speak to myself outloud that this will pass
I try to think up thoughts to help settle myself
but nothing helps
I know I am going to have ride this out
but this one feels different
I reach for the magic bean in my pocket
my shaking hands fumble to open the bottle
my salvation awaits within
taking the small pink pill and placing it under my tongue
I close my eyes and wait for it to work  

Deeper Than You Know

I know you’re walking slow – hands out
I know you’re offering everything – voice quiet
I have all the facts and all the proof I need
I know I won’t have to pretend and I can just feel tonight

Sometimes I want to say yes – I’ll let you in completely
Sometimes I just don’t know – I can’t open up that part of me
The wounds are far too fresh
And the cuts deeper than you know

I see you’re waiting there – sitting on the bench
I see your sweet words trying to sweep my up – voice low
I have all the words and all the truth I need
I see in you a warm and comforting glow

Sometimes I want to say yes – I’ll let you in completely
Sometimes I just don’t know – I can’t open up that part of me
The wounds are far too fresh
And the cuts deeper than you know

I get what you’re saying to me – so sincere
I get that you want me to show you the way in – softly
I have all the songs here in my head, the ones I need
I get that you want to pull me from this dark dank alley

Sometimes I want to say yes – I’ll let you in completely
Sometimes I just don’t know – I can’t open up that part of me
The wounds are far too fresh
And the cuts deeper than you know

Wake up you say – there’s nobody left to hurt you
Sometimes I want to say yes – I’ll let you in completely
Wake up you say – all the bad have been taken away
Sometimes I just don’t know – I just can’t open up that part of me
It’s just not that easy when the wounds are this fresh
And the rights have turned into wrongs, cutting deeper than you know
Deeper than you know

Back to old habits

After dreams like that,
it feels as if my innocence
is shouting accusingly through the years,
her arms wrapped around our favorite bear
and her tiny hand pulling at her hair.

“Why didn't you stop Him?
Why didn't you protect me?”

I plead with her;
“There's nothing I could have done.”

“You should have fought!”

“I was too weak.”

“You should have screamed!”

“There was no one to hear.”

And like a slap in the face;
“You should have TOLD!”

“No one would have believed it,
not coming from me;
they didn't believe me about Sister.”

“It doesn't matter!
Even if no one believed you
He would never have dared do it again!”

….I have no argument;
she takes a step away from me with an exclamation.

I shake my head in preemptive denial
as my fingers wrap around the hair
at the nape of my neck, pulling;
the old habit resurrected
by this collision of eras.

And she says it,
in a hollow tone of betrayal;
“You LET me die.”

My whispered “no” is barely audible
above the tearing sound of hair
roughly separated from the roots.

“You did. You didn't want him to stop loving you.
I bet it made you feel special,
didn't it? As least,
before you found out you weren't the only one.”
Her voice is jeering,
and she shakes her head in disgust.

I make that final yank
and the rush of the pain blots out everything else,
so familiar,
it's as if it had only been a few days,
instead of over a decade and a half,
since I had last succumb
to this particular impulse.
I look down at the departed chunk
of hair and flecks of blood
and let the strands fall between my fingers,
unwinding pleasurably
in long remembered swirls.

I try to use the thrashing endorphins
to look her in the eyes as I respond,
but find I still can't do it;
“That isn't true.”

She smirks humorlessly,
and right before she fades back in time, says;
“Who are you trying to convince?”

Haven

Your sly hands,
eager to tickle, pinch, and play;

all I have to do is say 'yes',
and they'd be mine.


Your mischievous grin,
which says you love to break the rules;

all I have to do is say 'yes',
and it'd be mine.


Your upturned eyes,
shining with teasing mirth;

all I have to do is say 'yes',
and they'd be mine.


Your shaking breath,
ragged with overwhelming laughter;

all I have to do is say 'yes'
and it'd be mine.


All I have to do is say 'yes'.


All I have to do...


The possibility is staggering,
dizzying, and intoxicating.


The thought of my lips
on all of you...


In so many ways
we would be each others' firsts.


You would always remember me,
despite how short a time we'd have...


and all I have to do...


All I have to do...


...yes.
yes.
Yes!


I'm at work;
come to me.


Every person who isn't you is a disappointment.


I'm at work;
come to me

and I'll tell you

yes.


My mind spins with thoughts of you.

Yes!


My mind spins as I plan for you.

Yes!


And as if summoned,
you come to me;

all I have to do is say 'yes',
and you'll be mine.


I take your sly hand
(yes),

you give me your mischievous grin
(yes),

you look to me with upturned eyes
(yes),

your breath is even, and sure
(yes),


...and I let you go.


And I tell you no.


You look so sad,
but I tell you no.


I silently scream in anguish,
but I tell you no,

and I let you go.

FlashBack
These memories are just phantoms
the dust of demons long since destroyed
why does the mind always betray
maybe this what it means to be human
they are the ashes of ancient ruins
from a long forgotten war
whose only spectator was me

- I -

Who am I?
I am I
Who are you?
You are you
He is he and she is she
We are we, but each one is one's own self

It may be confusing
The though, a bit intruding
But let me assure you

I am who I am
and what I am is who I am
and who I am is what I am
and I am I and I am who I am
and who I am is what I am
and what I am is I and I am I!

Do you understand?!
No?
I didn't think you would
I wasn't expecting you should
I don't even think you could!

Listen and see!
This is key!

You can be you
and he can be he
and she can be she
But This!
THIS IS ME!

I AM WHO I AM!

What if they knew; those people that say they love me
What I do in private is something that I hope they never see
The damage I do, the holes I dig
Are becoming massive, they are deep, they hurt and are big

I know it is because I hate myself
I’ve never known anything else
When you are told that you are mental
And just like your father, you are going to hell

Sure, I was fed, housed, and clothed back then
But kids need more in the form of love, to fend
Developing bad habits, I was ready to die
At an early age, all I did was cry

Year after year, knowing I had no choice
I kept moving forward, without having a voice
Be quiet, do the dishes, clean the house
So I obeyed, staying quiet as a mouse

I know what it is like to be a slave
And have your mother never acknowledge it before going to her grave
She knew I never wanted to be around at the end
And when I left, still in high school, she never gave me a good luck send

When looking for what was missing, I acted out a lot
Until I found out I would never get what I wanted; her love I never got
Disgusted, critical, her eyes showed it as they stared at me
I felt it myself, being his child, how much she hated him and what she would see

Never knowing what happened back then
Or why I was taken from him and hidden
If he came to town, I never saw him, but I knew it
They made sure he left quickly, having searched for me only a bit

The law was involved, I remember the men in town helping, too
To make sure my father never saw me, or had a reason to
I can remember the shuffling of bodies, baring down on the house in town
When he came, I was taken away for a while, without a sound

How can you love yourself, when you never got to know
The reasons you were conceived or the reasons why you ache so
So you continue to act out and hurt yourself whenever you can
You make sure you never give your emotions to anyone, they go hand in hand

Keeping yourself hidden, bloated, and pocked
Will make sure no one ever takes a second look; you stay blocked
Your heart, your feelings, they never come out
Because you know you are worthless, its something you can’t do anything about

Waking up once more, again, one day at a time
Isn’t that a fucked-up saying, a sucky rhyme
Trying, I sometimes wish I wouldn’t wake up
Because I know that everyone would be happy; without me, I’ve had enough

....

Introspection

I’m looking through myself
To the other side of me
The side that holds all of the things
I tried hard not to see
I see the many patterns
All programmed to repeat
Created by lies
Forming ties
To spell out my defeat
I’ll  have to make a change
If one step at a time
The only thing I think is strange
Is I thought I was fine
But now I understand
And I see a little clearer
Maybe now ill see a better man
When looking in the mirror
Objective introspection
I delve a little deeper
Till I can look at my reflection
And say “That man’s a keeper.”