Inner Battles

Long after I lost my boys
Long after accusing voices were gone
I still beat myself up
Then put myself down
So broken that it spilled
Into my life abusing my body
With sex drugs and alcohol
Tortured and tormented by
My checkered past
I still haven't learned
To forgive myself

Love

It all started
The day I saw her face
The feelings I had so deeply hidden
Started to surface again
Her beauty was astounding
Her personality mesmerising
The nicest person I had ever met
But I wouldnt
But I couldnt
But I wanted to
Acceptance wouldnt come
My heart wanted out of the trap I had so cleverly set
The cage that took so long to build
But I wouldnt let it out
Wouldnt admit it to myself
She is perfect
I was in love with her
But I couldnt be
Could I?
My heart fought
Against everything I had ever been tought
But in the end I accepted myself
I let my heart out of its cage
And now
I have the most wonderful
Amazing
And absolutely perfect
Girlfriend in the world

Tired

I’ll wash my brain and dirt my feet,
I’ll dance in mud and skirt packed streets,
I’ll live and die before my hair turns gray.

I said before I settled down,
pretended love and hid my frown,
and wrinkled up to die of cold old age.

Anger grows
So easily in those moments when
Fear and doubt wrap themselves
Around the ends of my constellations
As i sit in fear and doubt
Afraid that my poetry is a reflection of something beautiful
And i am Medusa
Cursed but diligent  

*This is from a song I wrote*
Found the gates to the abyss and then I entered
Inside I saw the pride that was compromising my temple
He was holding a child that just wanted to grow
And chose in pencil
To compose a poem which would fix all his soul's afflictions
And once written the hold would be lifted all at once
Until then he'll keep his emotions bottled up
It was then I noticed the one holding him was an illusion
And through the confusion he'd been using it as a front
Perplexed by the discrepancy
Why would he need to be protected?
He sensed it and said, look what you've done to me
Anytime I was hurting you said that I shouldn't feel it
Failed to acknowledge my wounds so you refused to heal it
Say you're not who you used to be but it was you who killed it
So why would you not expect me to view you as a villain?

The Beast Within

There's a terrifying feeling deep inside me
It causes my eyesight to blur, until the point that I cannot see.
It feels like I'm being trapped in an evershrinking cage
I can feel my whole body begin to tremble from this sudden powerful rage.
I need some kind of escape, I can't take this emotion swirling inside my head
I suddenly want to hit someone, something, anything, until that thing is dead.
My room is spinning, I think I'm going to go insane
There's an overwhelming desire, a craving, a need to inflict great pain.
A beast appears next to me, maniacal grin, a gleaming knife held high
With hate dripping from every word, he screams at me that it's time for me to die.
Again and again he cuts, causing me more and more harm
Until all I can feel is the burning pain, and the warm blood dripping down my arm.
Under all my rage I feel a little scared to say the least
Because even I can't seem to be able to control this blood thirsty beast.
I try and escape, but I can't get away, I can't reach my door
The beast just laughs, and holds me tighter, cutting me more and more.
I close my eyes, thinking my life is over, when the beast finally stops
I feel no rage now, only relief, when my arm suddenly drops.
I open my eyes, see all the blood, which looks like spilt red wine
Suddenly I notice that the hand that is holding the bloody knife is mine.
I look around the whole room, denying it, thinking that it couldn't be
But there's no one else, and I realize that the ugly beast was the dark side of me.
I was the one who cut my arm, I was the beast who was filled with nothing but hate
The maniacal grin returns as I realize that this is me, and it will always be my fate.

Lost Control

Fear spreads through me as the familiar rage begins to overtake me
If only people knew what was happening, if only they could see.
But no one recognizes the signs, the tremors in my body, the darkening eyes
No one sees the monster inside me; no one hears my desperate cries.
The monster is back, bloodthirsty as ever, desiring to cause even more pain
Every time he comes out, I lose more of myself, become more and more insane.
He takes over, binds me with his hate, and locks me away
I never know how long he’ll imprison me for, whether a few hours or the whole day.
Someone, anyone, I beg you, please, hear my cries, come and set me free
Just release these shackles; can’t you see that this is not who I want to be?
I try my hardest to win control, but his hatred crushes my will
For he’s stronger now; I can sense this time he has intent to kill.
The only thing I feel is the burn of his many cuts over my exposed veins
He said he just wants to help, and that this is the only way to stop the real pain.
In desperation to stop the internal pain, I believe him and his web of lies
As he holds the knife out to me, I realize he’s just helping, he’s truly quite wise.
With determination in my eyes, I take the knife from him and make a tighter fist
And like a skilled artist, create new bloody designs that flow from my cut up wrists.
It drips down like gentle rain, and forms a dark puddle on the floor
In my head, I hear my monster sweetly whispering to me “that’s it, just a little more”.
Like a student desperate to please his master, I begin to slice faster and deeper
This whole time, it’s felt like I was climbing a hill…but suddenly that hill seems steeper.
My arms burn, legs become weak; I try to move but slip on something slick
As I look around, I see a red floor, and realize I lost a lot of blood, and lost it too quick.
I feel tired, all I want to do is just lay here on the floor, and get some rest
As I start to drift away, I realize that maybe this cutting idea wasn’t the best.
I can feel the fire beginning to fade, replaced with an icy feeling that’s spreading fast
I feel betrayed, for I believed my lie that by doing this I would find peace at last.
Instead I feel nothing but regret, and an overwhelming sense of fear
For it has finally dawned on me that I went too far, it’s too late, now my end is here.
My eyesight dims, breathing becomes labored, head starts to pound
With frantic eyes, I look for my monster to help me, but he’s nowhere to be found.
He’s gone, no longer inside me; his lust is finally satisfied after all these long years
I’m alone now; no monster here, only a blood stained knife and a pool of red tears.
My strength is gone; I finally lost the fight against my depression and sorrow
I fall into the shadows of darkness, never again to wake to another tomorrow.

Small Victory

You appeared without warning tonight, dear ugly beast of mine
I thought things would go smoothly today, everything seemed just fine.
But after just a few incidents, you emerged with a fury even you usually don't feel
These emotions spread through me, make my skin tingle, and my mind begins to reel.
I can't stop shaking, and my entire body feels as if it's on fire
Neither can I stop this feeling inside, this overwhelming desire.
The desire to cut myself over and over, and watch puddles of my blood form on the floor
To burn over my cuts again and again, until I go numb and can feel no more.
I'm trying to contain you; I'm trying to keep you hidden
For the things we will end up doing together have been strictly forbidden.
Can't you just leave me alone; will you never see what you're doing is wrong
My efforts to keep you inside are useless, for you are still too strong.
You claw your way out of me, gleaming knife already in hand
You took so much energy from me, I feel like I barely have the strength to stand.
Seeing your chance, you strike at me while I'm weak
Knife slicing through the air, for my warm blood is what you seek.
For some reason, I fight back, and hold back your advancing knife
Maybe all the therapy is working, or maybe I'm just tired of living this fucked up life.
As time goes by, the battle wages on, until you suddenly decide you've had enough fun
I know you may have decided to stop trying, but for now I'm still just relieved that I won.
Slowly I am growing stronger, and proved it tonight by keeping you at bay
But you merely smirk and tell me to enjoy this night...for you'll be back another day.

I Was So Close

I wish I could say that my monster within forced his way out tonight
I wish I could say that I gave it all I had, and that I simply lost the fight.
But even he was scared of the rage and pain I felt inside
So he knew better, and decided to slink back into the shadows and hide.
For he usually comes out when he knows he has something to gain
But there was nothing to use as his fuel, only overwhelming pain.
Tonight it was me that got out my toys, me that chose
Tonight it me that decided to fulfill the burning desire that arose.
I was almost at 6 months harm free, something I haven't been able to say in years
But once again I didn't reach that goal, as tonight my blood mixes with my tears.
There are some struggles that you can't get rid of, struggles that will never go away
There are some battles that you'll always have to fight, every fucking day.
And there are times when limits will be tested, and boundaries will be broken
It's amazing what can go out the window when certain words are spoken.
I wish I could say that I feel regret over what I've done, that I regret making this choice
But part of me inside is relieved, hell, part of me would even like to rejoice.
For there's that soothing physical pain, that washes away everything else, strips me bare
The pain that takes away my stress, takes away the sadness, until the point where I don't even care.
It's a curious feeling, to feel so satisfied after, and yet so empty at the same time
Feeling relieved, even happy that you did it, and yet feeling ashamed, like you've committed some sort of crime.
The swirl of emotions that runs through you as you watch your blood drip onto the floor
Knowing you should stop, but instead listening to the voice that tells to go for just a little more.
To feel so alive from it, like when you're high off some drug, but almost feeling like part of you is dead
To feel that calm peace that rushes through you, yet try to deal with the turmoil that fills your head.
I don't know how the hell I should feel right now, because I can't really think right
All that sticks in my head is that I was so close to 6 months clean, and I gave that all up tonight...

Because Of Me

The guilt and regret won't leave my mind as I enter this church for you
All our memories keep swirling through my brain as I sit here on this wooden pew.
I can't bring myself to talk about you; when asked I say I have just one sister
For the pain I feel when I think of you burns within me like a thousand boiling blisters.
I wish I could still say I had two sisters, that I wasn't always the family's "baby"
If only I had been braver and stronger back then, maybe, just maybe,
You, baby sister, would still be here, and I never would've had to say goodbye
But instead I'm at your funeral, and I know it's my fault you're here...I'm the one who let you die.
As your small casket passes by, I can't stop the quivering sobs, or the stream of tears
And my mind forces me again and again to relive that day, like a never ending nightmare.
You were five at the time, and I had just turned eight
We'd been through many foster homes, some halfway decent, others not so great.
But this house was worse than the others; the people were crueler, the beatings more severe
I should've done something in the beginning, maybe begged our workers to take us far away from here.
Yet I did nothing, but instead tried to prepare you for the agonizing days to come
I told you to expect more empty stomachs, and beatings that would leave us numb.
For though I knew this house was worse, I thought we'd survive the same way
We'd listen to the yelling, endure the pain, and hope that tomorrow would be a better day.
Until the day came where our foster father decided to prove me oh so wrong
The day he beat you just a little too much, for just a little too long.
You had tried to take some food from the pantry, for the stomach pains were finally too much to bear
But you were caught by him, and he didn't listen to your pleading or begging, for he simply didn't care.
I thought it was just another beating, and so I stood waiting in the shadows in the hall
I didn't want to make it worse, or get beat myself, so I watched even as he threw you against the wall.
Over and over he beat you with with his fists, and with his belt
And still I waited, praying he'd stop soon, so I could attend to your bruises and your welts.
But he was not himself, but high off of one of the many drugs he had in his secret room
And as the minutes dragged by, I began to feel overwhelmed by a sense of doom.
When his hand reached for the wooden bat his son used for baseball, my heart stopped
I screamed at him, but still watched helplessly as the bat quickly dropped.
I can still hear it in my ears, the crack of the bat as it smashed against your head
I can still see it with my eyes, the sight of your blood splattering against the wall, painting it dark red.
As others saw what had happened and dragged him away, I ran to you, but no matter how hard I tried
I couldn't wake you up, and finally had to admit, that my little sister had just died.
And so here I am, weeks later, staring at your lifeless body, wishing that I could once again see those beautiful blue eyes
Unable to block out all the sorrow and pain, while wondering over and over why.
Why did I do nothing to save you, why did I give in to my fear
This regret is something I know I'll have to live with for the many upcoming years.
With tear filled eyes and a broken heart, I tell you I'm sorry, give you one last kiss, and slowly walk away
Praying that perhaps I'll be forgiven, so that I may see you again in Heaven one day.

                                       In a street with no exits
                                       Lost it all
                                       in a blink of an eye
                                       father died
                                       mother lost her mind
                                       brothers and sisters cried
                                       Pain and suffering
                                       everyday, all the time
                                       didn't appreciated
                                       Thought it will never be gone
                                       What if I never would have left?
                                       Maybe,
                                      Just maybe, this wouldn't have hit me so hard

How does one prioritise ones life
Ones friends and family all have needs
The conflict can give real strife
Some more some less as life proceeds

Your family and your partner
Should be high up the list
But priority is harder
When friends need you to assist

All one can do is ones best
Try to please ones closest
And hope that others are blessed
With friends who will take notice

Can't Live With You, Can't Live Without You

Teary eyes blankly staring forward
At the flickering candle in the dark
Something so soothing, so hypnotic
About the way it dances
And casts shadows on the wall
The way it quickly rises and falls

It waves at me when the air shifts
As my heart conflicts with itself
Something's telling me to go
Something's compelling me to stay
Yet I don't know know why
When everything's the same every time

He and I fight and cry and die
Revive again in a joyous moment
Then fall back into the same idiocy
Why do we stay when we're this way
Inner turmoil throwing me to and fro
I want to stay, but I need to go

Hearts so fragile either way
From all the times we've messed up
And let everything get to us
From stupidity to lies to breaking up
Apt to shatter no matter where I turn
And set us on fire and watch us burn