Poetry competition CLOSED 5th November 2013 9:48pm
WINNER
Atakti
Atakti
Anonymous: Part One - Critique
Anonymous
My guesses:
1. Diddi
2. Violet
3. Grace
4. Gemini
5. Devilish
6. Kittyfromhell
7. Intricate B
8. Mr_riberio
9. _shadoe_
10. Crim
11. Miki
12. Aish
My critique:
Poem title: 4.) Mind Maze
The good thing about this piece, is the way the subject matter interacts with the reader. It feels like an insight into a private moment, communicated over a nice hot cup of coffee, and I like that in a piece. That's why I chose to critique this poem, it made me feel comfortable.
What lets it down is the total lack of punctuation. It would do wonders for the rhythm of the poem if the piece was split up into how it would be read out loud. In stanza one, the last three lines are fussy. The words 'out the back' are redundant and don't really add anything to the piece. The last line is also confusing. This could be cut down to much greater effect. For example:
I sit here trapped in the lobby.
The receptionist explains
the toilet is to the right.
The doctor will show you out
after you convince him
you are sound of mind.
It is then followed by "to be leaving out back doors like a thief in the night" - It is my own honest opinion that this sticks out like a sore thumb and doesn't actually make much sense. I'm also not sure what kind of appointment this is, as it is not made 100% clear. However, because you have made reference to doctors, pills and handshakes I assume this is some kind of psychology appointment. This also makes me think that the night reference is unnecessary - who has doctor or hospital appointments in the middle of the night? I actually think the piece would benefit from losing these two lines completely.
We move on to the next stanza:
"Asking questions
about your mood" - Who is asking questions about your mood? The doctor? This needs to link in with the first stanza.This could be altered with punctuation also to help the construction.'Hows' is missing an apostrophe. It also flits between the first and the second tense between these two stanzas so this could also be changed:
He asks questions
about my mood:
"Are you taking your meds?"
He wants to know
if my appetite has improved,
how's my view on life?
Have I been sleeping much?
Stanza three:
General punctuation added to help the flow.
Line 1 - lose "In the end" when you're talking in the present moment.
Line 2 - Yea isn't a word
Line 2 & 3 - These two lines could be put into speech marks, to communicate the ongoing conversation
Lines 4 - 9 - Altered to remove unnecessary words that damage the flow of the piece.
I tell him what he wants to hear:
"yes things have been looking up,
yes I have been eating."
The packet says take two with every meal
I get sent out the backdoor-
He'll see me in six weeks,
sends me on my way
with a pat on the back
and a handshake.
The last line could also be shortened to simply "six weeks of freedom". This wraps the piece up nicely.
I thoroughly understand what this piece was trying to achieve. However, there are quite a few uneccesary words that hinder the structure of the piece. From the readers perspective, you can feel the frustration and the general darkness in mood from the words though. With a few tweaks I think this would be a great piece.
1. Diddi
2. Violet
3. Grace
4. Gemini
5. Devilish
6. Kittyfromhell
7. Intricate B
8. Mr_riberio
9. _shadoe_
10. Crim
11. Miki
12. Aish
My critique:
Poem title: 4.) Mind Maze
The good thing about this piece, is the way the subject matter interacts with the reader. It feels like an insight into a private moment, communicated over a nice hot cup of coffee, and I like that in a piece. That's why I chose to critique this poem, it made me feel comfortable.
What lets it down is the total lack of punctuation. It would do wonders for the rhythm of the poem if the piece was split up into how it would be read out loud. In stanza one, the last three lines are fussy. The words 'out the back' are redundant and don't really add anything to the piece. The last line is also confusing. This could be cut down to much greater effect. For example:
I sit here trapped in the lobby.
The receptionist explains
the toilet is to the right.
The doctor will show you out
after you convince him
you are sound of mind.
It is then followed by "to be leaving out back doors like a thief in the night" - It is my own honest opinion that this sticks out like a sore thumb and doesn't actually make much sense. I'm also not sure what kind of appointment this is, as it is not made 100% clear. However, because you have made reference to doctors, pills and handshakes I assume this is some kind of psychology appointment. This also makes me think that the night reference is unnecessary - who has doctor or hospital appointments in the middle of the night? I actually think the piece would benefit from losing these two lines completely.
We move on to the next stanza:
"Asking questions
about your mood" - Who is asking questions about your mood? The doctor? This needs to link in with the first stanza.This could be altered with punctuation also to help the construction.'Hows' is missing an apostrophe. It also flits between the first and the second tense between these two stanzas so this could also be changed:
He asks questions
about my mood:
"Are you taking your meds?"
He wants to know
if my appetite has improved,
how's my view on life?
Have I been sleeping much?
Stanza three:
General punctuation added to help the flow.
Line 1 - lose "In the end" when you're talking in the present moment.
Line 2 - Yea isn't a word
Line 2 & 3 - These two lines could be put into speech marks, to communicate the ongoing conversation
Lines 4 - 9 - Altered to remove unnecessary words that damage the flow of the piece.
I tell him what he wants to hear:
"yes things have been looking up,
yes I have been eating."
The packet says take two with every meal
I get sent out the backdoor-
He'll see me in six weeks,
sends me on my way
with a pat on the back
and a handshake.
The last line could also be shortened to simply "six weeks of freedom". This wraps the piece up nicely.
I thoroughly understand what this piece was trying to achieve. However, there are quite a few uneccesary words that hinder the structure of the piece. From the readers perspective, you can feel the frustration and the general darkness in mood from the words though. With a few tweaks I think this would be a great piece.
Case I modified my answers a bit but have to ask since you threw the option out there. Two questions 1) Were these poets volunteers or were they selected by you? 2) Is one of these poems possibly a seasoned writer deliberately writing in a novice style to disguise their identity? I know your are going to give me one of those annoyingly charming shrug of the shoulder answers so more plainly... is one of these a decoy?
braggman said:Case I modified my answers a bit but have to ask since you threw the option out there. Two questions 1) Were these poets volunteers or were they selected by you? 2) Is one of these poems possibly a seasoned writer deliberately writing in a novice style to disguise their identity? I know your are going to give me one of those annoyingly charming shrug of the shoulder answers so more plainly... is one of these a decoy?
1) I personally selected the poets either based on their distinct style, their genre, poets I read and poets I don't read, but I do appreciate their work. All these poets are frequent visitors on DU. I also did my research and checked out all the poets before inviting them to the comp.
2) All the poets are seasoned writers and can hold their own in comps, if they actually gave a shit. I believe one of the poets is deliberately trying to throw the readers and I know of one other that was eager to try a new style they were working on. So if there is a decoy, it was not my intention, I didn't encourage it, I just gave the poets 9 days to write a poem about anything they wanted.
By the way I told anna you'd expect her in the comp, but I thought you were all over her work.
1) I personally selected the poets either based on their distinct style, their genre, poets I read and poets I don't read, but I do appreciate their work. All these poets are frequent visitors on DU. I also did my research and checked out all the poets before inviting them to the comp.
2) All the poets are seasoned writers and can hold their own in comps, if they actually gave a shit. I believe one of the poets is deliberately trying to throw the readers and I know of one other that was eager to try a new style they were working on. So if there is a decoy, it was not my intention, I didn't encourage it, I just gave the poets 9 days to write a poem about anything they wanted.
By the way I told anna you'd expect her in the comp, but I thought you were all over her work.
1. Diddi (or a damn good diddi impersonator)
2. Atakti
3. Missy
4. Craic
5. That is so Devilish!
6. I have no idea. I'll guess Lightbaron for no particualar reason.
7. Oblivious Paradox
8. Another random guess...Mr. Case
9. Mia (shadoe)
10. Carpe
11. Evan
Man, this is fucking harder than I thought it would be but good fun. Thanks Case.
EDIT: 12. Strider.
2. Atakti
3. Missy
4. Craic
5. That is so Devilish!
6. I have no idea. I'll guess Lightbaron for no particualar reason.
7. Oblivious Paradox
8. Another random guess...Mr. Case
9. Mia (shadoe)
10. Carpe
11. Evan
Man, this is fucking harder than I thought it would be but good fun. Thanks Case.
EDIT: 12. Strider.
Gemini said:1. Diddi (or a damn good diddi impersonator)
2. Atakti
3. Missy
4. Craic
5. That is so Devilish!
6. I have no idea. I'll guess Lightbaron for no particualar reason.
7. Oblivious Paradox
8. Another random guess...Mr. Case
9. Mia (shadoe)
10. Carpe
11. Evan
Man, this is fucking harder than I thought it would be but good fun. Thanks Case.
EDIT: 12. Strider.
I did joke about the anonymous Strider before the comp kicked off, but I can confirm he is not an anonymous poet in the comp because he's on special ops, somewhere near the Mediterranean.
2. Atakti
3. Missy
4. Craic
5. That is so Devilish!
6. I have no idea. I'll guess Lightbaron for no particualar reason.
7. Oblivious Paradox
8. Another random guess...Mr. Case
9. Mia (shadoe)
10. Carpe
11. Evan
Man, this is fucking harder than I thought it would be but good fun. Thanks Case.
EDIT: 12. Strider.
I did joke about the anonymous Strider before the comp kicked off, but I can confirm he is not an anonymous poet in the comp because he's on special ops, somewhere near the Mediterranean.
case28 said:[quote-235929-Gg78]I agree can we get 13 names and pair them up ? To many people on this site to just guess . Even if we know their writting they could switch it up. Throw some names that aren't in too so it's throw off idk just saying
Good idea Gigi... but unfortunately I like to make things difficult and make you work for your prize. And besides, I want you all to pick a winning poem based on the qualities of the piece, not on an assumed identity.
I won't be giving you anymore answers relating to the number of poets you have in your list until the last week of the comp. However, I will answer your questions, as long as the question and answer does not identify the anonymous poet.
Post your questions here and keep an eye out for clues.
By the way Gigi there isn't 13 poets, there are supposed to be 12, but there are only 11... Number 12 is in the dark. Do you wanna write us a poem?
[/quote]
I know there wasn't 13 poets. I meant add a member that did not write anything to throw us off.
Good idea Gigi... but unfortunately I like to make things difficult and make you work for your prize. And besides, I want you all to pick a winning poem based on the qualities of the piece, not on an assumed identity.
I won't be giving you anymore answers relating to the number of poets you have in your list until the last week of the comp. However, I will answer your questions, as long as the question and answer does not identify the anonymous poet.
Post your questions here and keep an eye out for clues.
By the way Gigi there isn't 13 poets, there are supposed to be 12, but there are only 11... Number 12 is in the dark. Do you wanna write us a poem?
[/quote] I know there wasn't 13 poets. I meant add a member that did not write anything to throw us off.
Updated 11/4.
1. Hear My Call - Poet: Summerscales
2. Present Damned - Poet: LizQ
3. The seventh day - Poet: D Melody
4. Mind Maze - Poet: Carpe Noctum
5. How fucking sweet - Poet: Devilish
6. PURE - Poet: Evan
7. A new face - Poet: Lobo
8. feathered song - Poet:
9. Inked - Poet: Vee
10. Hope is for the young - Poet: Miss Sub
11. Lattice Work - Poet: Aishe
12. caged birds don't sing - Poet:
My Critique - Poem Title: PURE
I like the simple title, & the poem justifies the use of the Dante quote. first, the obvious misspellings: 'waste,' line 5. 'peeled,' line 9. probably intentional, to give critic-punks something to bitch about.
this has the feel of a Jack the Ripper tale. bridges, lamp light, distant half light set the right atmosphere. also the inclusion of a harlot as the victim. the 'doctor' appears to be cleaning the scene of his crime.
I don't think 'virginal lips' is a reference to the sex act. her attacker would have taken her by surprise, but might have allowed her a moment to pray. the use of that particular descriptor leads me to that revelation.
in the killer's mind, her execution redeems her. by slicing the body (with a surgeon's skill) he allows her now purified spirit to begin its journey to the stars...
1. Hear My Call - Poet: Summerscales
2. Present Damned - Poet: LizQ
3. The seventh day - Poet: D Melody
4. Mind Maze - Poet: Carpe Noctum
5. How fucking sweet - Poet: Devilish
6. PURE - Poet: Evan
7. A new face - Poet: Lobo
8. feathered song - Poet:
9. Inked - Poet: Vee
10. Hope is for the young - Poet: Miss Sub
11. Lattice Work - Poet: Aishe
12. caged birds don't sing - Poet:
My Critique - Poem Title: PURE
I like the simple title, & the poem justifies the use of the Dante quote. first, the obvious misspellings: 'waste,' line 5. 'peeled,' line 9. probably intentional, to give critic-punks something to bitch about.
this has the feel of a Jack the Ripper tale. bridges, lamp light, distant half light set the right atmosphere. also the inclusion of a harlot as the victim. the 'doctor' appears to be cleaning the scene of his crime.
I don't think 'virginal lips' is a reference to the sex act. her attacker would have taken her by surprise, but might have allowed her a moment to pray. the use of that particular descriptor leads me to that revelation.
in the killer's mind, her execution redeems her. by slicing the body (with a surgeon's skill) he allows her now purified spirit to begin its journey to the stars...
JohnFeddeler said:
1. Hear My Call - Poet: Summerscales
2. Present Damned - Poet: kourtrnissixxx
3. The seventh day - Poet: mikimoondancer
4. Mind Maze - Poet:
5. How fucking sweet - Poet: Devilish
6. PURE - Poet: Evan
7. A new face - Poet: Lobo
8. feathered song - Poet:
9. Inked - Poet: Vee
10. Hope is for the young - Poet: Miss Sub
11. Lattice Work - Poet: Lily Mae
12. caged birds don't sing - Poet:
My Critique - Poem Title:
http://www.channel4.com/programmes/black-books
1. Hear My Call - Poet: Summerscales
2. Present Damned - Poet: kourtrnissixxx
3. The seventh day - Poet: mikimoondancer
4. Mind Maze - Poet:
5. How fucking sweet - Poet: Devilish
6. PURE - Poet: Evan
7. A new face - Poet: Lobo
8. feathered song - Poet:
9. Inked - Poet: Vee
10. Hope is for the young - Poet: Miss Sub
11. Lattice Work - Poet: Lily Mae
12. caged birds don't sing - Poet:
My Critique - Poem Title:
http://www.channel4.com/programmes/black-books
