Poetry competition CLOSED 13th June 2013 10:57pm
WINNER
PierreTheMad
PierreTheMad
Lighten up!
Poetry Contest Description
In the spirit of pure, silly fun. Let's write some hilarious stuff!
OK. Here are the rules;
Make it a Short piece in whatever style you like
Make it as funny as you can possibly can
Be rude
Be crude
Don't be shy
*Disclaimer*
If you are of a sensitive nature,
this comp is not for you.
There may be obscenities, innuendo
and terrible language
Let's have some bloody fun, damn it!
Anonymous
she’s drunk
red as a rose
and lighter than a feather
on her toes
tripping around stumbling,
acting
like no one else knows
red as a rose
and lighter than a feather
on her toes
tripping around stumbling,
acting
like no one else knows
Anonymous
Road Island Red
I’ve got a Road Island Red
never had one before
he won’t stay at home
so I nailed his pecker to the floor
Now he can’t ride the hens
and they’ve begun to pout
I had to get my hammer
and pull that nail back out
Now everything’s working fine
except for that cocks pierced missile
now before he rounds the bend
those hens all hear his whistle….
I’ve got a Road Island Red
never had one before
he won’t stay at home
so I nailed his pecker to the floor
Now he can’t ride the hens
and they’ve begun to pout
I had to get my hammer
and pull that nail back out
Now everything’s working fine
except for that cocks pierced missile
now before he rounds the bend
those hens all hear his whistle….
BRUISED DICK and EGO
One day I overheard across the room
asked a professor from his class,
"Ladies if you were held-up
what would you choose to give,
money or your virginity?"
I will give all my money,
replied one pretty lady
because I want my virginity
intact... when I get married.
I will offer my virginity
said the devilish, foxy lady
Not only will I enjoy it,
I'm going to lose nothing
except my bruised dick and ego!
One day I overheard across the room
asked a professor from his class,
"Ladies if you were held-up
what would you choose to give,
money or your virginity?"
I will give all my money,
replied one pretty lady
because I want my virginity
intact... when I get married.
I will offer my virginity
said the devilish, foxy lady
Not only will I enjoy it,
I'm going to lose nothing
except my bruised dick and ego!
Anonymous
<< post removed >>
Anonymous
(This really happened about 25 years ago, in the lab where I work--it was one of the funniest highlights of my career:)
True Stories Of A Lab Tech
There once was a gay man, who at four a.m.,
Put a dildo in his ass, again and again.
It felt good, he thought
To really get off
But the suction turned ugly, just then.
Gone up too far, Nature’s forces reversed
With no warning given for him to rehearse
How to back it out,
Though it made him shout
‘Til his neighbors thought him perverse.
An ambulance ride, he then made,
For an ER visit, for how he had played.
Yes, it got stuck,
Doing an ass-fuck,
And the surgeon’s day was then made.
Off to the OR, our Hero went,
Writhing in pain, hunched over and bent.
The doc got it out
With some snickering about,
How to the lab it would then be sent.
For in surgery, whenever something’s cut free,
It’s sent to the lab for biopsy, you see,
Regardless of source,
All things of course,
Get labeled as specimens for histology.
But the funniest part, that I must say,
Was the pathologist working on duty that day;
A sour old poop,
World War II Vet, to boot—
He got the dildo to start off his day. . .
All of us lab techs giggled and laughed,
And mimicked the pathologist, behind his back.
‘Twas a fitting reward
For when during the War,
He took part in gay-bashing and called them all fags.
True Stories Of A Lab Tech
There once was a gay man, who at four a.m.,
Put a dildo in his ass, again and again.
It felt good, he thought
To really get off
But the suction turned ugly, just then.
Gone up too far, Nature’s forces reversed
With no warning given for him to rehearse
How to back it out,
Though it made him shout
‘Til his neighbors thought him perverse.
An ambulance ride, he then made,
For an ER visit, for how he had played.
Yes, it got stuck,
Doing an ass-fuck,
And the surgeon’s day was then made.
Off to the OR, our Hero went,
Writhing in pain, hunched over and bent.
The doc got it out
With some snickering about,
How to the lab it would then be sent.
For in surgery, whenever something’s cut free,
It’s sent to the lab for biopsy, you see,
Regardless of source,
All things of course,
Get labeled as specimens for histology.
But the funniest part, that I must say,
Was the pathologist working on duty that day;
A sour old poop,
World War II Vet, to boot—
He got the dildo to start off his day. . .
All of us lab techs giggled and laughed,
And mimicked the pathologist, behind his back.
‘Twas a fitting reward
For when during the War,
He took part in gay-bashing and called them all fags.
Anonymous
http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_0PGIJa_GkQE/SM8tPkCGpTI/AAAAAAAAAmk/WbqiJdk-wwk/s400/Piper+the+calico+kitten+sm+file.jpg
PUMPKIN
This is the tail of Pumpkin the kitten
A tale of mirth and a house in disarray
We laughed and cried for to this day
The stains on the carpet will not go away
We were given Pumpkin as a present
Such a tiny little thing, a calico female
Rare to see, with great big green eyes
Full of curiosity
From the moment she came in
She started to explore
Every place that looked interesting
And then started with rubbing it in
She jumped on the window sill
She jumped on the couch
She jumped on my husband's favorite chair
All I could do was say “ouch”
Meanwhile he came in the back door
Cats can hear things before they happen
The cat jumped first on the coffee
Spilled all over the new chair and carpet
If I had done that
Husband would have yelled
But an itty bitty kitty
Stole his heart
Pumpkin looked up at him and said:
“Did I do that?” so innocently
Then yawned and walked away
The rest of us dabbed the spots so they would not stay
Pumpkin was relegated to the basement
Where she blended right in
Until the day she tore the canvases apart
Then she had done a real sin
Monsieur Cezanne with whom I live
Is a cat lover and does forgive
But not this time, Pumpkin had gone beyond the pale
Had she been human, she would have gone to jail
So we gave Pumpkin to our next door neighbour
The little girl loved her so
When I talked to her mother the other day
She said: “That kitten is cute but she has got to go!”
280 words doubled spaced for easy reading
Above painting:
http://markadamsstudio.blogspot.com/2008_09_01_archive.html
PUMPKIN
This is the tail of Pumpkin the kitten
A tale of mirth and a house in disarray
We laughed and cried for to this day
The stains on the carpet will not go away
We were given Pumpkin as a present
Such a tiny little thing, a calico female
Rare to see, with great big green eyes
Full of curiosity
From the moment she came in
She started to explore
Every place that looked interesting
And then started with rubbing it in
She jumped on the window sill
She jumped on the couch
She jumped on my husband's favorite chair
All I could do was say “ouch”
Meanwhile he came in the back door
Cats can hear things before they happen
The cat jumped first on the coffee
Spilled all over the new chair and carpet
If I had done that
Husband would have yelled
But an itty bitty kitty
Stole his heart
Pumpkin looked up at him and said:
“Did I do that?” so innocently
Then yawned and walked away
The rest of us dabbed the spots so they would not stay
Pumpkin was relegated to the basement
Where she blended right in
Until the day she tore the canvases apart
Then she had done a real sin
Monsieur Cezanne with whom I live
Is a cat lover and does forgive
But not this time, Pumpkin had gone beyond the pale
Had she been human, she would have gone to jail
So we gave Pumpkin to our next door neighbour
The little girl loved her so
When I talked to her mother the other day
She said: “That kitten is cute but she has got to go!”
280 words doubled spaced for easy reading
Above painting:
http://markadamsstudio.blogspot.com/2008_09_01_archive.html
MICKEY DICKEY
You don’t miss a trick, Mick
You look in good nick, Mick
As thin as a stick, Mick
To the gym did you go?
Still as thick as a brick, Mick?
Have you got a new chick, Mick?
Did she give you a lick, Mick?
You know, down there below
Did you give it a flick, Mick?
Was it over too quick, Mick?
You say you have sore dick, Mick
And it will no longer grow
Hey! Just hang on a tick, Mick
Don’t show me your prick. Mick
Whoa! I feel a bit sick, Mick
I don’t want to know
You don’t miss a trick, Mick
You look in good nick, Mick
As thin as a stick, Mick
To the gym did you go?
Still as thick as a brick, Mick?
Have you got a new chick, Mick?
Did she give you a lick, Mick?
You know, down there below
Did you give it a flick, Mick?
Was it over too quick, Mick?
You say you have sore dick, Mick
And it will no longer grow
Hey! Just hang on a tick, Mick
Don’t show me your prick. Mick
Whoa! I feel a bit sick, Mick
I don’t want to know
Anonymous
Karmic Fear
She said I looked good, she liked my hair
but she watched her husband intently
making sure he didn't stare
I stood there, smiling
thinking fuck off
she said she'd often wondered
how I was getting on
I replied that I'd seen up
and down, presently hovered
in the middle ground
and that sometimes
when the high gets low
I recall those days
but not often, anymore
Looking down , to the side
I was smiling, kinda coyly
she worried karma was knocking
on a door she had unlocked
years back
that I'd want revenge
try and take her man
I knew it
and laughed
took a few steps, and looked back
said I'ts been good seeing you
and your dad
She said I looked good, she liked my hair
but she watched her husband intently
making sure he didn't stare
I stood there, smiling
thinking fuck off
she said she'd often wondered
how I was getting on
I replied that I'd seen up
and down, presently hovered
in the middle ground
and that sometimes
when the high gets low
I recall those days
but not often, anymore
Looking down , to the side
I was smiling, kinda coyly
she worried karma was knocking
on a door she had unlocked
years back
that I'd want revenge
try and take her man
I knew it
and laughed
took a few steps, and looked back
said I'ts been good seeing you
and your dad
Once a month
Once a month, my mood changes
mega bitch is released
my eyes blaze with fire
but not in a good way
beware
Once a month, chains won't hold me
mega bitch is released
internal demons spew
my hormones rage with fury
beware
cantankerous
petulant
querulous
mega bitch is released
beware
irritable
contentious
antagonistic
mega bitch is released
beware
see you in a few days Sir...
