Published On My Pain

Last straws

Karen loves who i am as a dad but doesn't  have sex with me
Straws break
She loves me but wants a separate life as well
Straws break
She wants to submit to another man
Straws break I move on
Gem needs a safe place for her, but hates my past
Straws break
She loves me, but not as much as her drink
Straws break
She see my kids as wedges between us
Straws break
I choose her and crush my children's love
Straws break
She hurts my heart with her judgement
Straw breaks
I get high, she ask to experience, I cry no,...but give in
Straws break
She sells her possessions I sell my soul
Straws break
Crack, cops, jail
Straws break
Buying house, moving parent, drink and drug continue
Straws break
Sitting in a hotel room alone, 
Straws break
Karen calls I run to her, Ben hates it
Straws break
She choose another
Straws break
I set alone in this 2 room disaster of a life  
No one to break straws with. Get high break them myself. 
When well I let Gods breath bend the straw I break

Clouding Season looms across
floating particles of degeneracy,
Star - gazing closely,
breathtakingly static,
trembling rotting bath tubs
fragmenting earth-creates.
As earth wakes  blighted dreams
molds beauty out of breathing decay.
 
"Silence a convincing story teller"
 
Dwelt within solitude  
Loneliness announced my universal transformation,
arose from my sleeping slumber
which foresaw spiritually mutated snakes
giving birth inside my tortured premises.
I wrote droplets of angst
washed against the blood curdling curtains,
intoxicating windows burning,  
intrinsically insulating inside my glowing heart.
 
" I focused alongside the idealist notion of love entwined chaos"
 
My story drew manuscripts  
across shredded glass pavements,
bare footed priest
bequeathing wedding vows
morphing into a  moment of silence.
A long lasting relationship
built bridges of liquor outpouring obesity.
 
[b]Hurtling Day Dreams [/b]
 
 
Sibilating star gazers
occupied my devil scorched ears
wanting a piece of my mind,
vitiating peace of mind.
 
Solitude peering hyenas
devouring witch doctors,
performing theoretical  
medicinal dances,
upon my untrained
surfacing annihilation.    
 
Weeping bellows timeless proverbs,
productive nature of destruction
occupies my head space,
spacing bodily function
into obscurity.
 
Mind discombobulating    
soul recycled  
heart quivers
 
"Diamonds came to strangle day"
 
Realization Kicks Within
 
I once stood boldest throughout adversity,
now standing,
wilting,
inside pale sectioned dreams.
 
Demons lurked beyond eye reach ,
sulfurous scorching chastity      
shaking beneath my un-moistened feet,
diamonds strapped around
waistlines of  time thickening bombs,
fire-fighting devastation
with dis-enthralled Sea Horses.
 
Wondering how I caved
into love as hell holes.
 
Wondered if tangibility
took diving lessons
down bus barren road sides.
 
"I am not alive in these light shades"
 
Through hyperfocal distancing hover crafts,
I captured lost searched galaxy
inside blacked out vases.
 
" I unloaded living embryos into the thickened fog".
 
Visions Of Past Lives  
 
Bodies carving through
lilac stranded syringes
creating monotheistic shrines
smelling sandalwood incense,
vampire senses cultivate
hidden oracles
woven along embryo molested  
washing lines.
 
I befriended Demons which
plagued my defaced skin,
knife-mares of critter
mangled love hearts,
once called a  mentalist
now beauty en-captures madness.
 
Flowering season reimburses
maddening violet colored waves,
happiness arise,
bleakness cried.
 
Staring life canonized hell holes,
buried embodiment's of self,
life swept ravaged werewolves
from beyond my caged chanting grave .
 
(I whisked beautiful madness away)      
 
 

Dark Spot

In this dark spot again
Knew I was going and still choose it
Disease, moral dilemma, free will, fallin man
Self abuse comes easy when it is a familiar escape
Try to learn 
Try to live
Walk with Christ for a little while
Lose him in the chaos of trying to live with others, 
Seems like my pain
Seems like distraction
Seems like a way to kill myself a little and still not let the others see the death
But this is a lie, the hiding can only last so long
Death has a stink to it
A rottenness that becomes normal for the dying
And is obvious to the observer 
A slow torture to the helpless watching this self centered abuse
Can they feel better by calling it a disease, a moral dilemma, free will or fallin man
The end result is the same a soul not knowing how to live in this world
Suspended in their chosen death
The grieving family in a wake that takes way to long to end.
Fuck me!!!! Never mind I do that well enough myself

  

thanks for entering. See you at the end of the month.

Thanks for your entry. Write on. See you at the end of the month.

thanks for your entry. See you at the end of the month

Suffer

I was a young girl then when my parents died
All I remembered was to sit in a corner and cried and cried
After many years I met someone and she became my best friend
But our friendship did not last long and it just came only to an end.

Hoping I don't want to live,
Wishing that I myself be killed
For what is life that you live if you always suffer
I want to end my suffering forever.

Living in a life full of sorrows
I do not want to wait for the upcoming tomorrows
All I do is cry and cry
I myself already want to die.

Crying for the loss of my family,
Crying for the loss of my best friend,
Everything has been taken away from me
And this is my suffering.

Pretending to everybody that I'm happy
They don't know what's the feeling to be lonely
Nightmares of my past seem to be present
Terrible memories of mine haunting me again and again.

Longing for the love I want
Longing for someone to be with me
What a good feeling if love is present in you
You will not feel sorrow surrounding you.

Living in a life full of insanity
I have no chance of becoming happy,
All I want is to die,
So I can't anymore cry.

Off The Rim


http://8020.photos.jpgmag.com/2282170_218971_bf1141745f_l.jpg



My last tour
Fouled out for sure
So
By now


I’m gone


My song?  


Good riddance
My mellow - D
Such a piss poor defense

Eyes couldn’t post up your taunting ways
Failed the No-Look-Pass with my laid-back gaze
The way you’d haze

Guess that's just the way it plays


Out.








..
photo: MikkolaSisu

If I make a cut
Will you notice
Blood is spilling from my veins
Do you notice
If I slit my throat today
Will you notice
I left the house the other day
But did you notice?
I tried and tried my hardest
Did you notice
I hate everything about myself
Did you notice
I slap a phony smile on my face
but do you notice
I'd love to stab you with my switchblade
Maybe then you'd notice


Hopefully this is okay

The drugs.
The device of the the injection stuck deep.
I push down and the blood forming cherry waves.
I can't think, only confused.
I burn and feel the lovely pain of the dark swallowing me.
Sound and light hurting itself becoming doubled and clotted.
The waves, the cherry waves let out pain inside of joy.
They collapse.

Never again I experiment with heroin.
Twas the cherry waves that killed me.
Now i'm in the second realm and floating.
Inside the realm is only pain and black.
I feel myself swimming away from the pain.
I could never escape and never will.

Slipping Away

each night and day
brings me closer
to the edge
the stiff cliff
Is just about
my arms' reach
once i get there
the wind will carry
me home
and i will be free
at last!

In the house of pain
Stuck in the house of pain
Who'll ever understand?
Who'll ever know?

I've kept it all in secret
After all,nobody cares
My pains I constantly be with
In sorrow,worries and fear

Trepidation,constantly thinking can't sleep
Every time I do,strange faces appear
Pale,bloody and in tears
Trying to drag me down deep

They say to me " come with us"
They laugh,they cry,they scream
I yell at times in a pathetic outburst
Oh well,its just another nightmare or dream

It's having an adverse effect on my sanity
Too much to pay for carrying out orders
I am driven far from friends and family
The agony of a loyal soldier

In frustration and anger I cut myself
Maybe pushed by these demons
Who whisper confusing words in my ear
Now what's the use of living on?

Suicide contemplated
Hope forfeited
Disaster anticipated
My soul's aggravated

I see things
I hear them move
I try to concentrate
They spoil my grove

House of pain
Stuck in the house of pain
Strange voices whisper my name
I hear them again and again

How much will I pay for my part in this social sin?
Isn't my tears and scars enough?
But they won't rest till I'm gone,I reckon
That's why on my soul,they constantly beckon

I'm falling off...
I guess I'm close to the end
I hear their voices from hades
Saying "descend;come with us friend

It goes on and on like that
No peace,day in and day out
And its clear I can't get them off my back
Until my light's finally out

So I'm sitting in this house of pain
Can you see my misery my friend?
Hell bound in the house of pain
Waiting for the bloody end

PTSD Syndrome

http://www.weldreality.com/image-humvee-fire.jpg
Photo source: weldreality

You've been in and out of the war zone
ever since you got out from high school
Now without a dick and forgotten
flashback episodes of the ambush
which led to losing your manhood
keep coming back to your brain.

Anxiety is your constant companion
survivor guilt knocks at your conscience
as repeated nightmarish hellscape
keeps you from getting a  good night sleep.

You became hypervigilant
and tried to fight back
in your next flasback episode
Non-stop firing of your gun
only subsided when you woke up
terrified and heart-broken
at the sight of your only son,
and beloved beautiful wife
laying motionless and dead.

Your whole being was frozen
and slowly melting
as if heaven and earth
clamp down on your rage
Your tongue became numb
and can't utter any word
Finally your chest exploded
shouting, "OMG, what have I done?"
These words keep reverberating
in your nearly-deranged mind.

Instead of treating you
of post-traumatic stress disorder
they put you in jail--
What a fucked-up system!

Another bad news came--
your brother won't be able to enroll
next semester or maybe never
as education assistance
was cut due to sequestration
Your blood boils once more,
and escaped from jail
Went straight to Congress,
and unleashed your hell bent fury
It doesn't matter now
if they do nothing at all...

Tears in Motion,
One hearts devotion,

Nothing in the creases shown
But a blade in her clasped left hand

A tear falls as she pulls a tighter fist
The blade digs deeper

As blood starts forcing its way
Between her tight knit fingers

She brings herself to release it
The blood trickles down her

Cavity filled wrists
And onto rolled up sleeves

Where it stains the shape
Of a strange set cross onto the cuff

Then more pours and erases this image
She stares in shock

At her palm barely visible under the blood
And the blade that’s in her hand

But stings her heart
And she pulls it out, with a harsh high scream

This hurt more than when it went in
She cries the heaviest tears she’s ever cried

She looks to her other hand
She wants to shred its tendons

But her left hand doesn’t have the accuracy
Nor any movement left to do so

Her 2 middle fingers look gruesome
Nearly cut into the bone

It looks as if hollow beneath the dangling skin
The perfect picture of death

That leaves her screaming hysterically
The blood curves towards the sides of her arm

And drips leaving her pillow
Damp and stained

The sting of the dry blood
Tightening on her ridged skin

Hurts more than the bleeding wound now
She starts to feel dizzy

Passed the woozy state of mind
But as she drains towards the end

She finds herself both restless and desperate
She wipes the bloody blade

Onto her stone wash grey jeans
Then takes it towards her neck

Where she makes a small downwards incision
And out oozes a small river

Of warm red lava
Down between her breasts

And coating the buttons on her purple cardigan
She gets her nails

And scrapes them harshly down her face
Letting out an almost demonic chuckle

Then placing her palm print on the note
She left on her nightstand

Written in eyeliner reads:
“You didn’t listen”