Suicide notes

Don't try to figure me out.
I've been alive thirty-eight years..
I still don't have a fucking clue.
My ex-husband didn't have any luck either
He was the only one who could figure out the remote.
You don't stand a chance.

It's not something you said
Trust me; I've heard lots of empty words
I added yours to that pile.

I've told you a thousand times why,
I don't think you're a better listener
because I'm dead,
so I won't waste my time here.
You still won't get it.

Just make sure
you feed my cats.

Of you I ask only forgiveness. I loved you, of that please never doubt.
I was not as strong as You, be strong for Me now.

P.S.
Detective, I did this with free will.
 

Peace and Freedom say goodbye



My heart sinks like a dying bird-
falling from the horizon, caught on
the occasional wind drift-
like a satirical display of infinity..
ending

My eyes disconnect and leave the black and white
land of vision for the frquent interruption of
the lost land of hallucination
A million glowing eyes glare back at me-
anticipating my next move

My mind soars, gallops
in hapless circles with only the rare
crash landing into the present time to assure me
of my continued presence

I am embraced by man sized rabbits
and watch my life story float by in the lyrics and notes
of Grateful Dead songs...
Bob Dylan plays the harmonica
while everything freakish in the land
awakens for the dance

My ears hear a humming
and a familiar voice speaking mostly
in words that bewilder and leave me sinking
into the oblivion of the abyss known as
GONE

My skin
Like meat searing on a hot grill-
on a snowy day
Indecision near chaotic proportion.
Goosebumps rise and it feels like
the soft kisses of a plethora of angels
touching down and existing...
before disintigrating into a mere recollection

My soul paces inside me
like a caged bear stumbling towards madness
The possibility that the only chance of escape
may lie in overloading every physical terminal and
choosing to descend into lost lands
of make believe-
and gnomes making daisy chains

Gone forever
yet ever present
The walls move closer and
I gasp suddenly at the shock of being
lost between realms and
quickly losing all sense of direction

Spinning like the earth herself
Losing clarity with haste, like her oceans

The expanse of me grows too vast
for  universal containment...
then shrinks to no more than the size of
a small ant -post cremation
 
My insides turn and churn
like blades of grass in cyclonic winds
The blows approach from all directions
begging me to let go, to admit defeat
but most horrific of all, it demands
that I accept the nothingness in everything
and erase my having ever existed-
because I existed.

We wrestle...
The must be and I
Weakened, I writhe then relent

Resistance is pedantic when wisdom knows better
I succumb while I am
silenced to the pinnacle of these barriers

The cracks within the atoms become visible
into the portals, the spirals
the lighted grandeur of welcome
to goodbye

Their medicine did not work
but I tried...
I really tried

Now it's your turn to be strong-
and go on...
Their medicine did not wor

this is the end,
i cant take the crap no more..
all i do is hide the pain,
and try to ignore it all..
my life was hell,
no one culod ever tell.
everyday id walk home,
run into the bahroom and find that blade.
it would run across my skin,
cutting deeper everytime..
always thinking,
how about suicide..
the girls at school,
i wont mention any names..
put me through hell,
calling me names..
they say that "sticks and stones wiul break my bones, but words will never hurt...
well thats bullshit..
ask all those people who o through hell each day..
sometimes at school ill run to the bathroom and cry..
cry the pain away..
no one realises the shiit that happens to me is real..
mum, dad... i love you heaps
but this world is just not for me..
im sorry for the pain u will feel..
when you find me dead..
im sorry but i tried..
i tried everything that i could..
i wish i couldve been a stronger person,
i wish i got that proper help..
but this is my choice..
ill watch down on mum and dad..
i promise..
just when you see my body,
haning in my cupboard
dont fall down and cry,
just knpow im in a better place now..
a place where i cant et hurt anymore

Drift


With eyes wide open the world spins lucidly out of control  
 
Growing faster and faster, the world is growing...  
 
White blonde hair whipped passed her face would seem so far away  
 
Like a forgotten lover's name it is so surreal...  
 
Ideas of flight abstractly toying with the corners of her mind  
 
Her wings are pressed flat...  
 
A final escape from a dream which you could never wake  
 
This is her ecstasy.  
 
Her final curtain...  
 
Perhaps it would seem odd that her last thoughts would be of her mother  
 
So soft and warm...  
 
They never did agree on anything...  
 
Perhaps in another life they could finally see eye to eye but there would be no such luck this time around...  
 
Her head tossed in a backwards roll  
 
The last ten or fifteen feet seemed to disintegrate away...  
 
A dream's sad ending could never be so uplifting  
 
She opened her eyes for the last time to find her dream had given way to the real  
 
She had been set free  
 
...and had finally embraced the unknown

Apologies...

As I sit here and write this to you,
I am about to end it all.
And all I can say
Is two simple words:
I'm sorry.

I cry and cry
At what has been done.
You know how I feel,
And I know that is not enough.
I'm sorry.

I'm sorry I couldn't live up
To your great expectations.
And that I served as a roadblock
In the way of your master plans.
I'm sorry.

But if I could have made one difference,
If I didn't screw up one thing,
Then I hope you can forgive me.
I hope you don't hate me for this.
Now all I can say is, I'm sorry.

Death Note:


I don't want to kill myself with a gun
Because to me that would seem petty
Nor do I want to slit my wrists like an 'emo' - emotional fake, I say-
I don't want to give you the satisfaction that you so secretly want

I can see it in your face. I can smell your fear
Of " Will it be me first, or her; doing what should have been done long ago"
Let's face it. Everyone gets lost in there own version of reality.

I'm not going to pretend that I was depressed
Because I know that the outcome I presumed would be irrational
It would be insane to think that you would be happy because you got what you desired.

I didn't kill myself. I didn't die unexpectedly.
I just disappeared  where I can see you and everything you do.
Because you set me free, I can see the happiness you so greedily hid.

Have a wake.
I want "Let it Be" played, both versions.
Ashes in the San Francisco bay.
Give my love
with the enclosed letters.

Holly,
Promise you won't let
Some asshole with a hole in his heart
so much as look your way
without warning him about me.
Because I'm watching
And if he hurts you
I will extract my revenge.
In your name,
On my honor,
I love you,
Storm

Dearest Matt,
If you die tomorrow,
a week from now,
five years
or as an old man,
keep your promise.
Don't let it be because of drugs
Don't fall down the spiral
you can't climb back out of.
Do this for me
because even at the end
you were the one I was thinking of.
You were the one I wanted to be happy.
Dearest and closest friend,
Don't break your promise to me.
Eternally yours,
Storm

David,
Goodbye dearest
I will always miss you.
Try to find happiness.
If I thought it would do any good,
I would ask Mother to make me an angel
with hidden wings.
I would come back to see you
And I would be perfect
so you could love me.
But I don't think it would help
and I doubt she would let me.
So farewell my amour de ma vie.
Blessed be,
Storm

Dad,
Now is the time to say
that Erin is a whore.
For Lindsey's sake
Leave the whore
or leave the kid.
You're just hurting yourself.

Mom,
Thank you for putting up with me.

I never lied, and was always true
For those who didnt believe this, well fuck you

Thank you Deviant, much appreciated.