Page:
Looking For Constructive Critism
Life on stilts
Been so down
So are down
Nearly rock bottom
Lost most everything
But not the rock I've just gotten
Should I smoke it
Should I snort it
Should I swallow or shoot it
Should I sell it
Should I keep it
Or tomorrow I'll do it
Nothing else left for me here
Lost all but this rock
Might as well just enjoy
Since it all tat I've got
Gave up everything for you
Nearly even my life
Lost my home and my family
But you, you survive
If I burn you
I'll inhale you
If I shoot you
I'll regret you
If I snort you
I'll twack out too
What to do
What to do
As I'm thinking
As I'm sinking
I realize
I'm already feeling
Why not throwing you
Why do I need you
Why do I already feel I've done two
Because I have you
Only half too
Maybe I've just lost my mind, dude
Did I do you
Didn't mean to
Almost gone boo
I'll take a nap soon
But instead you
Come with more toot
Crystal glass stash
And some soap cash
Up again, fool
A couple weeks, Sue
Cut it out, Jill
We look mad I'll
Twacked and seeing shapes
Shadows run this place
Clean as fuck now
But shadows everywhere
Is that a man there
Oh, no it's a chair
Fuck I need to quit
But, hell my lighters lit
Heat it up good
Take a hit quick
Suck a bit in
Fuck that shit
Taste like lighter fluid
Give it back to
That my bubble yo
Another rock now
Off my socks go
Weeks go by
In the corner crying
So another line
Paint the floor's sky
Snakes in the closet
Fans a helicopter
Neighbors call the cops
Window's open
Jimmy hopped out
Another friend gone
Nuthouse here I come
Rehab's full still
Off to home to chill
Mourn the loss bro
Buy another rock tho
Repeat it all again
Hoping next time it'll be my turn for the end
Been so down
So are down
Nearly rock bottom
Lost most everything
But not the rock I've just gotten
Should I smoke it
Should I snort it
Should I swallow or shoot it
Should I sell it
Should I keep it
Or tomorrow I'll do it
Nothing else left for me here
Lost all but this rock
Might as well just enjoy
Since it all tat I've got
Gave up everything for you
Nearly even my life
Lost my home and my family
But you, you survive
If I burn you
I'll inhale you
If I shoot you
I'll regret you
If I snort you
I'll twack out too
What to do
What to do
As I'm thinking
As I'm sinking
I realize
I'm already feeling
Why not throwing you
Why do I need you
Why do I already feel I've done two
Because I have you
Only half too
Maybe I've just lost my mind, dude
Did I do you
Didn't mean to
Almost gone boo
I'll take a nap soon
But instead you
Come with more toot
Crystal glass stash
And some soap cash
Up again, fool
A couple weeks, Sue
Cut it out, Jill
We look mad I'll
Twacked and seeing shapes
Shadows run this place
Clean as fuck now
But shadows everywhere
Is that a man there
Oh, no it's a chair
Fuck I need to quit
But, hell my lighters lit
Heat it up good
Take a hit quick
Suck a bit in
Fuck that shit
Taste like lighter fluid
Give it back to
That my bubble yo
Another rock now
Off my socks go
Weeks go by
In the corner crying
So another line
Paint the floor's sky
Snakes in the closet
Fans a helicopter
Neighbors call the cops
Window's open
Jimmy hopped out
Another friend gone
Nuthouse here I come
Rehab's full still
Off to home to chill
Mourn the loss bro
Buy another rock tho
Repeat it all again
Hoping next time it'll be my turn for the end
Anonymous
Hello Breanna
There’s a group here (cafe critique) on Deep Underground for helpful feedback. Perhaps check it out and post your poem there:
https://deepundergroundpoetry.com/groups/cafe-critique/discussion/
There’s a group here (cafe critique) on Deep Underground for helpful feedback. Perhaps check it out and post your poem there:
https://deepundergroundpoetry.com/groups/cafe-critique/discussion/
Anonymous
<< post removed >>
I agree with sky. Some punctuation wouldn't hurt for emphasis and connectedness between lines.
For example:
Been so down— ( an em dash would work perfectly here )
So [are] down < remove are
Nearly rock bottom— ( another em dash for emphasis )
Lost most everything; ( a semi to connect it to L5 )
But( , ) not the rock I've just gotten ( I'd add in a comma for a brief pause )
If the above is considered, it would read as such:
Been so down—
so down
nearly rock bottom—
lost most everything;
but, not the rock I've just gotten
This first stanza really sets the tone for the verse. It draws the reader in and immediately lets them know this is an addiction poem, a song sung by many in today's world. You could apply the above to each stanza.
As Sky, if it's personal I wish you well.
For example:
Been so down— ( an em dash would work perfectly here )
So [are] down < remove are
Nearly rock bottom— ( another em dash for emphasis )
Lost most everything; ( a semi to connect it to L5 )
But( , ) not the rock I've just gotten ( I'd add in a comma for a brief pause )
If the above is considered, it would read as such:
Been so down—
so down
nearly rock bottom—
lost most everything;
but, not the rock I've just gotten
This first stanza really sets the tone for the verse. It draws the reader in and immediately lets them know this is an addiction poem, a song sung by many in today's world. You could apply the above to each stanza.
As Sky, if it's personal I wish you well.
Anonymous
Ahavati said:I agree with sky. Some punctuation wouldn't hurt for emphasis and connectedness between lines.
For example:
Been so down— ( an em dash would work perfectly here )
So [are] down < remove are
Nearly rock bottom— ( another em dash for emphasis )
Lost most everything; ( a semi to connect it to L5 )
But( , ) not the rock I've just gotten ( I'd add in a comma for a brief pause )
If the above is considered, it would read as such:
Been so down—
so down
nearly rock bottom—
lost most everything;
but, not the rock I've just gotten
This first stanza really sets the tone for the verse. It draws the reader in and immediately lets them know this is an addiction poem, a song sung by many in today's world. You could apply the above to each stanza.
As Sky, if it's personal I wish you well.
Agreed. It really doesn't need much more. The story is there and straightforward. The everything gone except for the rock concept is solid. That's where all the money is at in the lyrics.
For example:
Been so down— ( an em dash would work perfectly here )
So [are] down < remove are
Nearly rock bottom— ( another em dash for emphasis )
Lost most everything; ( a semi to connect it to L5 )
But( , ) not the rock I've just gotten ( I'd add in a comma for a brief pause )
If the above is considered, it would read as such:
Been so down—
so down
nearly rock bottom—
lost most everything;
but, not the rock I've just gotten
This first stanza really sets the tone for the verse. It draws the reader in and immediately lets them know this is an addiction poem, a song sung by many in today's world. You could apply the above to each stanza.
As Sky, if it's personal I wish you well.
Agreed. It really doesn't need much more. The story is there and straightforward. The everything gone except for the rock concept is solid. That's where all the money is at in the lyrics.
