Give me your honesty, not your kindness
Anonymous
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Anonymous
There's a lot of contradiction in your words. "Emotional motionless" for example. "I grabbed her grey shirt pulling away her memories" is another. There seems to be description in here for description's sake. Sometimes I need to stop and ask myself "is this actually necessary?" and I think that's a good question to apply to some of the imagery in this.
It also flits from past to present tense all the way through the piece. It might be an idea to pick a tense and stick to it moving forward.
The "left right up down" thing I just find hinders the whole construction of the piece, it distracts the flow immensely.
The best line in this is "those brunette eyes sold me a contract" because it's a stand alone statement. The waltzing shadows becoming an audience is also a good image. Uncluttered, and visual.
I got to the end and I still wasn't exactly sure what the real point of the read was. A good friend of mine always drums into me "poetry should be a journey - what are you trying to say through your words?" And that rings true here. Yes, I can see it's an encounter between two people, but what are they there for? What is the point? If you're going to tell a story, tell one right to the end.
[Disclaimer: This is (of course) my own personal opinion and you (of course) don't have to listen to any of it.]
It also flits from past to present tense all the way through the piece. It might be an idea to pick a tense and stick to it moving forward.
The "left right up down" thing I just find hinders the whole construction of the piece, it distracts the flow immensely.
The best line in this is "those brunette eyes sold me a contract" because it's a stand alone statement. The waltzing shadows becoming an audience is also a good image. Uncluttered, and visual.
I got to the end and I still wasn't exactly sure what the real point of the read was. A good friend of mine always drums into me "poetry should be a journey - what are you trying to say through your words?" And that rings true here. Yes, I can see it's an encounter between two people, but what are they there for? What is the point? If you're going to tell a story, tell one right to the end.
[Disclaimer: This is (of course) my own personal opinion and you (of course) don't have to listen to any of it.]
Anonymous
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Anonymous
Mate... that was my honest... </facepalm>
Anonymous
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Anonymous
FYI, this is why people don't give honest critique and spend time on things because of reactions like this.
No more engagement with you will occur in this thread, you've clearly made the choice to be confrontational. Have a good day now.
No more engagement with you will occur in this thread, you've clearly made the choice to be confrontational. Have a good day now.
Anonymous
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Anonymous
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Looks like honesty is more bitter than sweet. This brings to mind the thought 💭 going on in my mind, can we put a little warning before in the choice when we select honest criticism that choose only if you can handle remarks that are contrary to your opinion of your own piece .
Anonymous
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didn't make it to the end. it may be some people's cup of tea.
there's tense clashes right through it. one of the other commenters touched upon them, you claim they're easily fixed but their still there.
so much of it makes no sense the bits that do make sense make no sense.
it is boring. the poem, the premise, the attitude..
it all looks oh so familiar
there's tense clashes right through it. one of the other commenters touched upon them, you claim they're easily fixed but their still there.
so much of it makes no sense the bits that do make sense make no sense.
it is boring. the poem, the premise, the attitude..
it all looks oh so familiar
Anonymous
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