I Confess, I'll Never Belong.

Everybody seems to only want to interact with someone so long as they’re certain you will like and agree with the same things as them. Nobody likes discussions of opposing viewpoints. But I like to probe- find the how and why. I enjoy having new or different things shown or explained to me. I find lessons and insights both as the Devil’s advocate or opposer; but am expected to just nod and smile, and gods forbid if I disagree, or try to add my two cents, or find a middle ground, or comprise. I’m expected to bite my tongue, in the face of opposition and/or insult. To do so would be something other than myself.

I won’t attack (unless attacked) and I won’t belittle (unless belittled)…but I may challenge you, and your ideas, beliefs, or opinions…and there’s nothing wrong with that. Or at least I don’t think so. It’s a good way to learn and grow and see things through different perspectives. But I’m met only with resentment , hatred, and disgust.

Instead of healthy debate, rebuttals are seen as personal attacks against their very existence and I’m treated like a blasphemer for ever opening my mouth for anything, other than automatic sycophantic smiles of agreement. Nobody wants my opinion, unless it’s to validate or praise their opinions. Then, once I’m inevitably insulted or condescended to, for not giving them the validation their seemingly fragile ego so craves, I grow more aggressive, vindictive and frustrated with the futility of the whole thing, and wish I had never opened my mouth… But then I hate myself a little for entertaining the thought of being someone who bites their tongue and humors others submissively, when I have so much to say.

This results often in me never having anyone who I can really talk to, really want to know ME. So I stay an enigma. .. a sometimes quite lonely enigma.

On top of all that, I seem to have very little in common with anyone, nothing to relate to. I’ve been the oddball and black sheep of every group I’ve ever belonged to. (social, educational, spiritual, family,musical, philosophical, professional, or any other company of people ). I’m the circle in the Venn diagram that just barely crosses over into so many other circles, but is ultimately sticking out on its own.

Part of me thinks that makes me unique somehow, but a larger part just wants to feel like they belong, to not feel so lonely in even the largest crowds, and even if they're persons who call me "friend."