Not Worth It

Thanks
For all your darling lies
Your failed help
But I'll just keep pushing away
Its normal to me
To not feel loved
Appreciated
So this all of a sudden increase of attention and love
It's uncomfortable and awkward
And when you crush me with a good-meaning embrace
The guilt climbs higher as
The fragile band-aids and scabs on my heart begin
To break and peel off
Again

So I ask you,
After 4 years of dealing with constant
Emotional abuse
Is it really all that horrible to be
This fucked up?
I'd say no
But that's because I know what it feels like
So please
Let me cut
Let me burn
Let me bruise
Let me bleed
So I can smile for
You
And hope, just a little
That this happy mask is good enough
To hide the mess on the inside