Daily Deprecation

You close your eyes
and try to centre yourself
but you can't
it won't work
it never does

You bite your tongue
and it bleeds through
your teeth
and you fight the
quick rise
of the sour bitter
taste of bile

You claw at yourself
trying to see
whether your skin
will rip off
or shed
as your nails
dig into flesh

And the showers you take
are on the highest
temperature setting
you're sweating
but you aren't melting
yet

You palm your eyes
so hard
you see a different
dimension
of swirls
and sparks of wild colour
and you wonder
if you can get past that
and into that place in your chest
that's filled with distress

And your dress is ripped
shrunken and tight
you don't know whether
you feel heavy or light
the bright sight
when you open your eyes
you see the plain
white yellowing walls
and smell the rank of
dirty laundry, stale alcohol,
and depression

You put Pansy and Rick
to the back of your tongue
but nothing comes out
because nothing was inside
your stomach is dry
your throat is locked
and you're tight-lipped
about everything

You wake up tomorrow and
you trudge down the stairs
and your fair hair
is stained with dirty
nothings
but you still feel it there
you just can't see it
and the black rain cloud
follows you everywhere

Finally when the headaches
cease and the retching
reduces to quiet
whimpers in the night
You try to smile
broken
You know it lasts only
a fortnight