My truth hurts

How can I be so evil
I am a heavy handful
I have been so hard on my family
Done so many awful things to people who loved me unconditionally

I have acted out so brutally
Not just once, it happened frequently
Right now they can't view me as trustworthy
I earned it, I plead guilty.

Years of heavy drug using
Countless times of boozing
Always acting crazily
Everyone felt the rippling
I made them feel nothing but instability

I came clean with no reluctantly
I have been clutching onto my sobriety
Working hard to stay in recovery
In the past I had trouble relapsing
But this time I am working at it more diligently

Mental illness is complex and at times debilitating
My Bipolar Disorder is always effecting me
No matter how much I am treated medically
I still have days when I cry uncontrollably
Or I cannot sleep because I can feel mania festering

I was stricken with an absurd amount childhood trauma
I was abused for 10 years sexually
I used to blame it all on my Momma
I wondered why she was not protecting me
Now that I have put a lot of time into counseling
I realize I was placing blame incorrectly.

PTSD is paralyzing to my mind and body
I have copious amounts of anxiety
Disturbing images enter my head repeatedly
The deviants stole my worth greedily
I need to find my value immediately
I have to learn how to believe in me
So I can be a good person consistently

Accepting my past is not easy
Unfortunately it is part of my identity
It haunts me persistently

Forgiveness is not something you gain instantly
Especially when you betrayed them individually
Changing my past is not a possibility
All I can do now is take control of my destiny



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