deepundergroundpoetry.com
My Vortex
My head is spinning,
My body aches,
They piss me off,
So i shake.
They scream at me,
And make me cry,
But all the while,
Id rather die.
To leave this world behind in the dark,
And only because my heart has no spark.
The Earth turns,
And the leaves change,
But all the while,
Its just the same.
Unlike my heart,
Which is on the floor,
And my bloodless body,
Which is out the back door.
My body aches,
They piss me off,
So i shake.
They scream at me,
And make me cry,
But all the while,
Id rather die.
To leave this world behind in the dark,
And only because my heart has no spark.
The Earth turns,
And the leaves change,
But all the while,
Its just the same.
Unlike my heart,
Which is on the floor,
And my bloodless body,
Which is out the back door.
Published 15th Jan 2013
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Commenting Preference:
The author encourages honest critique.
15th Jan 2013 10:15pm
This is deep and dark and wonderful. My only critique would be the end line, I think you should knock off a syllable to make it flow better. Other than that,excellent read.
16th Jan 2013 5:05am
Thanks for your criticism, i was thinking the same thing but i didnt know what to put
16th Jan 2013 5:17am
If your looking for something to knock off from the last line in the last stanza, I'd recommend knocking off the "back" in "Which is out the back door"
But beside that, this is a good write
But beside that, this is a good write
