deepundergroundpoetry.com
i'd like to say i know you
You’re not quite next to me yet,
Even still
I predict your movement.
Casually you walk in through the door,
Arbitrarily you dismount the light
And say your polite hello.
You are quiet,
But not silent.
You sit next to me.
We share a look
That pays forward
To a debt
That I could never afford to owe.
You are silent
But not at all quiet.
This tender exchanges
In these tender exchanges…
You sit next to me.
I look at you,
And I am swearing oaths:
I’m so silent,
I’m so quiet,
I’m so broke,
I’m so dishonest.
You open your mouth
And an ultimatum
Dances around the words
That escapes it.
I bite my tongue,
And I am fulfilling oaths.
You’re not quite next to me yet,
Even still
I predict your movement.
Casually you walk through the door,
Arbitrarily you dismount the light
And say
Your polite
Goodbye.
Even still
I predict your movement.
Casually you walk in through the door,
Arbitrarily you dismount the light
And say your polite hello.
You are quiet,
But not silent.
You sit next to me.
We share a look
That pays forward
To a debt
That I could never afford to owe.
You are silent
But not at all quiet.
This tender exchanges
In these tender exchanges…
You sit next to me.
I look at you,
And I am swearing oaths:
I’m so silent,
I’m so quiet,
I’m so broke,
I’m so dishonest.
You open your mouth
And an ultimatum
Dances around the words
That escapes it.
I bite my tongue,
And I am fulfilling oaths.
You’re not quite next to me yet,
Even still
I predict your movement.
Casually you walk through the door,
Arbitrarily you dismount the light
And say
Your polite
Goodbye.
Published 2nd Jan 2013
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Commenting Preference:
The author encourages honest critique.
2nd Jan 2013 6:10am
Granted, I have not yet read very much of your work here yet, which I will amend soon, but from what I've read from you so far I'd say a lot of care goes into your writing. And you advanced beyond perfecting the basics long ago, and are devoted to making your poems exceptional reading experiences, with words that can be saturated with meaning.
There's one thing--"Casually you walk in through the door,/Arbitrarily you dismount the light"--the lines starting with "Arbitrarily" feel a little stiff. If you're talking about authoritarianism, that might fit. But I think you mean something similar to "casually?" I've actually never heard the phrase "dismount the light," so I'm as much asking you what you mean as I am saying the line feels a little stiff. But if you are using "arbitrarily" to mean something similar to "casually," then I think the two pairs of lines that use "casually" and "arbitrarily" could perhaps be melded or altered in some way that they flow in a more casual way together.
But anyway, this is a fine, fine piece, and judging by what I have read from you so far, written by quite an artist.
There's one thing--"Casually you walk in through the door,/Arbitrarily you dismount the light"--the lines starting with "Arbitrarily" feel a little stiff. If you're talking about authoritarianism, that might fit. But I think you mean something similar to "casually?" I've actually never heard the phrase "dismount the light," so I'm as much asking you what you mean as I am saying the line feels a little stiff. But if you are using "arbitrarily" to mean something similar to "casually," then I think the two pairs of lines that use "casually" and "arbitrarily" could perhaps be melded or altered in some way that they flow in a more casual way together.
But anyway, this is a fine, fine piece, and judging by what I have read from you so far, written by quite an artist.
