A few days in the half life

The room is dark.... the quiet humming from the electric fan breaks the overwhelming silence. He lays alone on his bed, stares at the ceiling and thinks.....Welcome to the Half Life....Sometimes a wondrous place, sometimes not so..........
He wonders about this Half Life place, it can leave you the happiest person alive with a head full of possibilities, or it can unravel the strands of your mind...........leaving what is a marvel of evolution and biology nothing more than a tangled mass of string..........slowly unpicking a thread of thought, turning it into an unstoppable freight train of imaginings and darkness.
Today again he sits and thinks about his life, about his health in the hands of others.....much like his whole life in truth......there is nothing he can do to affect or control the outcome, so he sits and waits for others to do their thing, just one carriage full of stuff on the train in his head.......halfway through It's journey........or almost halfway, one carriage that may be empty soon enough.....bring on the doctors again today, just give him some good news.............or even some not so bad news would do. But even if it's nothing serious and he has worried without cause........then his train will be one load lighter, but still it runs on.....he looks up from the keyboard, the fan still turns, the cold air still blows..............and he still thinks..........
So the news was good, or no news at it was......worries abate and fade away for a while, leaving the train running with less crap in tow......another Saturday fast approaches and with it the dawning sadness that ensues every weekend.....chemically induced sleep may help, but it's just a temporary fix.....he knows that somewhere not so far away someone else feels it too.......even that is cold comfort......just wishing Monday morning to arrive once more ...........keeps him going, stops him falling...........he writes for her, but even on this page he cannot write what is in his head, the fear of letting it out into the world is enough to stop him in his tracks...........she worries about him, he worries about her.......they just spoke on the phone......for the fourth or fifth time today.........in fact they speak every weekday, he smiles at the thought of her face.......how he touches her cheek.......and how she touches his soul.......the smile fades....his heart aches.........................as the train appears once more... gliding along it's silver rails............for you see, even thinking about the good times he has with her...........brings It's own alter thoughts......one cannot exist without the other it seems.........for every time they are together, there is a time they must part.......for every time they speak...........there follows a gaping silence that swallows him whole........and yes he knows that it is just the same for her too..........maybe even more so because of the stuff she has to deal with.....he sits and feels guilty for even daring to feel like this.........for wanting her so badly........for not dealing with it very well.........but how does he deal with something never felt before ?......all he knows for sure is that he loves her...........and she loves him.........and that this Half Life place is not a very nice place to be right now...........
It's 22.41 as he starts this writing session.........he doesn't know what to say, it's a struggle getting anything to come out of his head that sounds half way sensible, the knowledge that she is working hard to get to her goal runs through his mind...........but he misses her all the same, having read her comment he nods slowly..........he knows of her need to know these things he hides.........it's her coping mechanism, she has to know what is inside him..........this is the reality, as far as he will allow his reality to appear on this page anyway........and he is sure that deep inside she knows of his need to keep things close to his chest sometimes......things he thinks would heap more pressure on her already over pressured mind......so he keeps his council, says little, but thinks much.........not because he is secretive.......for he would share his life’s blood with her if asked.......but just because he cares for her, in the same way that if asked she would always give the truthful answer, then it's the same for him......if asked a direct question she knows he will give her the honest truth.....if sometimes she feels he is hiding things then he probably is......nothing unduly terrible........just feelings, hopes and fears.......he pauses in his writing to look at his phone........knowing there is nothing there but looking anyway, biting his nails as he sits......brow furrowed, willing the phone to beep........and perhaps he thinks giving just a bit too much away with this session of words.......so he reads her old messages, they give comfort to his lonely heart......a heart filled with her love, but lonely just the same......the time is now 22.58, and he thinks he has given enough of his train cargo for one day.........so he will go think some more..........all aboard

Saturday 14.14, he has no words......maybe later.
Saturday....late afternoon, he lays on his bed with his heart pounding, just out of nowhere and he feels like crap.......after a brisk walk to blow the cobwebs away .....something he does daily with no problems, today however he feels off......maybe he is overdoing it a bit, he feels nervous and ill at ease....it's just after 16.15........it's been an ok day so far, for the weekend anyway.....he has heard from his girl and that always pleases him.......so why the nerves?..........he needs to finish his artwork but can't find any enthusiasm....he's tired and feels weak........hungry but can't eat.......this blog is a real struggle.......who the hell spring cleans in mid winter anyway for god sake?.......smiling to himself he can picture her sitting on the bedroom floor surrounded by stuff...don't need that............don't want that..........not having that ..........she looks beautiful but lost somehow.........determined to be rid of the crap, but her head is elsewhere........maybe sitting alongside his head.........off on a tangerine somewhere..., there have been messages today.......read and re-read.......one sticks in his mind........she wasn't having the best day because she couldn't text or talk to him.........she missed his voice.......it just made him want to run to her and hold her...........just to whisper in her ear........about anything, even the weather....just so she could hear him.......and he could talk to her......such a simple thing..........a thought enters and is quickly banished.........the struggles of mice and men..........the train leaving platform 7..........is full.

Sunday morning

they spoke last night......she sounded contented..............a later text confirmed she was happy, full of paint, knackered but happy.............he's glad she's happy.....More texts arrive as he lays in bed..texts full of love........they warm his heart and soothe his soul, he too has this need to know thing inside him.........and so he drifts off to sleep.........still not a natural sleep, but it is rest of some sort, as he drifts his train is still...........pulled over to the sidings and all is quiet...............he sleeps, he dreams.........of a love not so far away, and it's funny how dreams take on a life of their own......they twist and turn, they promise much but deliver little.........he wakes after a night full of images.......checks on his train of thought, it runs on apace this morning.........a leftover journey from his dreams.......a shaky journey.........one which bumped around the locked metal box holding his fears.......looking at the box and remembering the nights events........the lid is open, lock shattered.........his fears are out and about.........time for some fear hunting, freedom is not an option for these chaps........it's time for them to be put back where they belong...........

Sunday lunchtime

At 11 am he walked again today......after a search through his mind garbage to hunt down and trap his fears and the unasked questions that escaped in his dreams......again they are safe under lock and key, rumbling along the silvered tracks that vanish into the distance and become no more than a point of bright silver light.........his walk took him on a familiar route......through the cemetery, he loves to talk to her there......it brings a peace and a sense of calm that he doesn't find elsewhere.....maybe in one or two other places but that is another story.......on his walk this morning it was cold.....the pathways were frozen, flowers placed by loving relatives lay wilted and whitened by frost....as he passed under an evergreen amongst a sea of trees stripped bare of leaves by this cold season he was struck on the face by what he thought was a shard of glass........as he looked up into the foliage of this green oasis in a clear blue sky a gust of wind disturbed the leaves.....the frozen drops of morning dew on the leaves were dislodged and rained down on and around him......hundreds of tiny frozen tears fell ..........bouncing on the floor with such an amazing sound.....they fell on him, on his upturned face, at his feet..........she would have loved this, he can see her smiling as she reads this now.......this would have been so special to her......because she understands, she sees things no one else does, at that moment he was happy........he walked on, smile on his face.....thoughts of her filled him......as he turned the corner he felt a single cold tear run down his left cheek.........must be the wind catching his eye he thought........or maybe not......... he misses her.

Almost 15.00, he has been drawing for her........he has had to put his pencil down because his heart is racing away with itself.........it is unfinished but his mind is wandering and concentration is difficult, time for a walk he thinks......his strength of will surprises him......the fight in him surprises him..... he just doesn't know..........and that is the hard part, god it would be so easy just to lie here........but walk he will.......
Sunday night

He spoke to her..........for a few fleeting moments she was his again, moments he lives for.....he doesn't think anyone could ever understand how this feels.......unless they stand in his shoes, it is without doubt the most painful thing he has ever endured.......Sunday is almost over, and he thanks god for that.....being ill concentrates the mind they say........being scared of being ill doubly so.......every 24 hours that turns into 7 days is another week that can never be regained..........but that is the same for everyone regardless of situation........tomorrow is Monday, he will wake early........and he will listen, he will listen for the tell tale sound of his phone...........and for the time it beeps, the timing of the beep gives him knowledge.....and that knowledge gives him some clue as to how the day will be........he will know what time his phone will ring, and for how long they will talk...........he notices these things, because his mind is concentrated.......his phone just beeped...........it's is 20.02.........he is happy, his train of thought broken by her words.....ahh his train.........if he could only unload this metal monstrosity.......he is tired of It's cargo.........of the questions, of the fears.........his hands are cold, his neck sore......his heart hurts..........he knows she will read this and her heart will hurt.......they miss each other, they need each other..........they love each other, " look at me " she says........and he looks, and he shows her his soul........he will always show her his soul......

Monday and Tuesday

This will be a strange mix of thoughts and words......he is awash with different emotions today, if this had been written yesterday it may have been a very different read.......but perhaps that is unfair to the reader so he thinks again and decides to write pretty much what he was going to anyway.....yesterday was hard.....he had a close encounter shall we say...........or almost did, he had a shock..........not the kind he expected....she didn't panic......no guilt appeared........no flack or fallout, no backlash.........just love, she thought she had upset him..........she thought wrong, she showed him how much he meant to her.......his head was full of what she may do or say.........he was ready for the backlash........he would have gone home......but she said stay right where you are i'll be there..........so he stayed, and she came........they met, and everything was good.......his head train need not run for a while yet.........he was worried after he left her........she thinks way too much and that frightens him..........he stressed all afternoon..........then she called him and just said she loved him..........enough said really.....then later she called him again.........he made her blush, sat in his brothers saying all those words that take her breath away.........she was painting again........blushing and painting, she is hurrying to get herself some space..........and in truth he wants her to be in that space on her own...........selfish maybe, but he thinks that selfish is ok this time........she sounded so good on the phone.......she always does........he told her of his move, his own place at last........a place they will share sometimes he hopes.....but dare not say, until today when she said it for him........but I veer from my words so back to yesterday..........his nights are empty, save for her messages and calls........he fills his time with talk........but it's only a diversion for his mind for a short time........often he realises that people have been rambling on to him and he has heard not a word......his mind is elsewhere, phrases and words pop in to stay for a while, the engine on the train of thought kicks into life and it roars away......the hundreds of tiny steel grey legs that serve as wheels on this train move as one........hauling it's heavy load one more time......last night after the medication kicked in he manages a couple of hours sleep......he wakes at 2am.....and his train is flying along.........for the first time he feels that this thing inside him is real.........he can actually feel it.........a physical thing in his stomach.........maybe it is the medicines they are giving him.........or the ones he takes daily to stave off the side effects.........they could be the cause........he doesn't remember answering her messages at night......but he does answer them........she said sometimes she can't make sense of them, which in itself is worrying enough.......it's 2 days before the halfway point now.........then one more week until he finds out the state of play........he was worried about this..........until today, today things changed for him..........are you sitting comfortably?........then i'll begin.....from 2 am he watched the snow fall......sat in the dark just staring at the flakes hitting the window.......the glow from the street lights turning the white flakes tangerine..........it's snowing hard, and it's settling in a thick soft blanket across the floor.......he loves the snow.........he thinks of a white rose.........unspoiled and pure........he watches all night.......the morning light soon comes.....and he rouses himself to the day........grabbing his mobile he sets off for the early delivery of his daughter to her place of learning.........a futile 2 hour slog today.........the places is closed due to snow.........during the drive she phoned.........oh he needs her voice......he remembers her comment on this page........she loves him......simple, to the point.......and just beautiful.......they talk a while then say their goodbyes.......she calls him again mid morning.....sat in his room.........happy.........his train now slowed to a crawl......the box safe and locked........so he walks.........to the place where he talks to her every weekday.......it looks better than ever before.........covered in white cotton wool, belting down with snowflakes........they talk and he is sad.......she should be here with him,, walking through this powdery scene.........sitting on a bench with cold noses.........he is sad,..... these are the times when the box is at It's most vulnerable.......and admitting this could be a mistake......he knows she will seize on this and next time he is sad she will know......and she will ask......for she is a git.......but she is his , and he loves her for it........so they talk and again they say their goodbyes.....she may not be able to message him later.........her phone is poorly, but one does sneak it's way to him.........in not so many words it says phone me at work................so he does...........he surprises her, he loves surprising her.......the glee in her voice melts his heart yet again........he is sat alone in the car talking and laughing with her.......they talk of a night out together.......then she changes his world again........so casually but with such massive force........she shatters his day........he is a mess, he shakes, he can't think right.........she took one of the questions right out of his locked box and without the key.......she snuck in and stole it from under his nose..........she is the greatest of thought thieves......if she can do this so easily to him why have a locked box?.......now there is no room in his head for anything else.........he sits, he thinks, he dreams of their room.......of her......his demure cat.