deepundergroundpoetry.com
Anyone's guess
Wrapped up in ivory
against Israel
and the history pits of Babel
every child leaves you
eventually, to silence.
Hiding from it all,
even Carver's "he says, she says";
because facts are stranger than fiction
at the end of the world
when you've put the books down -
and where you find yourself then
is anyone's guess
against Israel
and the history pits of Babel
every child leaves you
eventually, to silence.
Hiding from it all,
even Carver's "he says, she says";
because facts are stranger than fiction
at the end of the world
when you've put the books down -
and where you find yourself then
is anyone's guess
Published 20th Dec 2012
| Edited 22nd Dec 2012
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Commenting Preference:
The author encourages honest critique.
20th Dec 2012 2:34pm
20th Dec 2012 6:16pm
Anonymous
- Edited 21st Dec 2012 11:28am
21st Dec 2012 11:27am
I don't think L2 of verse two is needed. As someone who's referenced other writers a lot in poems that's hypocritical of me, but it'd feel more dishonest if I didn't voice that opinion. The poem is yours, not Carver's, and your proclamations here are poignant enough to stand alone. The last two lines of verse one are incredibly jolting and poetic. They're cynical, perhaps, but not cruel or unkind. By the way, I think the dash after "leaves you" could be replaced with a comma, and the comma in the last couplet after "find yourself then" isn't needed. Otherwise this is a miniature masterpiece. Critique is JMHO. Thanks for the read.
21st Dec 2012 11:32am
Jack, great comment. And thanks for taking the time to read and compose an intelligent critique.
I've removed the comma, but will leave the Carver reference.
Sincerely, Thank you :)
I've removed the comma, but will leave the Carver reference.
Sincerely, Thank you :)
