deepundergroundpoetry.com
The Dove
We grew in love and then apart
You misused me and my heart
Your light lead me to the dark
In the rain, out of the ark.
I wonder now why did we ever start
But if life's a canvas you were my art
If I aimed for the stars, you were my mark
And my life, well, you were its start.
With the promise of love you bound my heart
Your whispers of lust consumed my brain
You burnt my canvas and stole my art
I never wish to aim again
Never to paint, I fear its stain
Got lost in this rain, crawled into the dark
'Cause Heaven's light causes me shame
So I've missed the stars, I've missed my mark
You were my cradle and now my grave.
The sun ceases to show its head
'Cause for the fallen i did fall
This lovebird once soared but now is dead
Oh! For you i did fall.
When we die, we do meet God
Because of you I'm now there
Peace now with me so much so it's odd
For the past I do not care
I died inside the day you left me
But now I stand here free
With God as my witness and company
Now without you, I couldn't be more happy
I now dance in the rain, drink of the flood
I've missed the stars but hit heaven above
No more a lovebird or a raven but a dove
Let's see how long I can live without your love.
You misused me and my heart
Your light lead me to the dark
In the rain, out of the ark.
I wonder now why did we ever start
But if life's a canvas you were my art
If I aimed for the stars, you were my mark
And my life, well, you were its start.
With the promise of love you bound my heart
Your whispers of lust consumed my brain
You burnt my canvas and stole my art
I never wish to aim again
Never to paint, I fear its stain
Got lost in this rain, crawled into the dark
'Cause Heaven's light causes me shame
So I've missed the stars, I've missed my mark
You were my cradle and now my grave.
The sun ceases to show its head
'Cause for the fallen i did fall
This lovebird once soared but now is dead
Oh! For you i did fall.
When we die, we do meet God
Because of you I'm now there
Peace now with me so much so it's odd
For the past I do not care
I died inside the day you left me
But now I stand here free
With God as my witness and company
Now without you, I couldn't be more happy
I now dance in the rain, drink of the flood
I've missed the stars but hit heaven above
No more a lovebird or a raven but a dove
Let's see how long I can live without your love.
Published 16th Jul 2010
| Edited 20th Dec 2010
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The author encourages honest critique.
16th Jul 2010 10:59pm
really, a friend... well it seems like you just keep dwelling in the past. writing about her so much. seems like you just cant get over her.
16th Jul 2010 11:24pm
16th Jul 2010 11:54pm
The quality of this poem fluctuates quite substantially; starting very promisingly, deteriorating somewhere towards the middle, and improving once more by the end. The opening line's zeugma is elegant and striking, especially when coupled with the tight rhyme scheme and repeated sentence constructions. The second stanza carries through well, fluently transmuting the duality of the first stanza's structure to a cunning duality of meaning in your neat and functional metaphors.
Beyond this point, I find less to say about the poem. The metre quite rapidly breaks down, and this leaves some of the repetitions sounding tedious, and some of the rhymes sounding forced.
The final stanza breaks this languor though, snatching the reader's attention back through the paired trochee-iambs of the first line and carrying it through to pithy and sharp conclusion.
Summatively; I feel that the middle stanzas could use some work to bring them up to the quality of the first two and final one.
Beyond this point, I find less to say about the poem. The metre quite rapidly breaks down, and this leaves some of the repetitions sounding tedious, and some of the rhymes sounding forced.
The final stanza breaks this languor though, snatching the reader's attention back through the paired trochee-iambs of the first line and carrying it through to pithy and sharp conclusion.
Summatively; I feel that the middle stanzas could use some work to bring them up to the quality of the first two and final one.
