deepundergroundpoetry.com
i mostly think about killing myself and sex
two minutes pass
still half a cigarette to go
before i decide for another
or the red wine
staring at me from across
the ashtray
it has been sitting
in the cold
it looks like blood
next to the snow
i drew a hole in the wall
put the tin can through it
the string
the rusty nail
and screamed into the end
with tears running down my face
why the only one
who will leave me stranded
is the only one who can hear me
on the other end
fuck knows
fuck
pick up
please
still half a cigarette to go
before i decide for another
or the red wine
staring at me from across
the ashtray
it has been sitting
in the cold
it looks like blood
next to the snow
i drew a hole in the wall
put the tin can through it
the string
the rusty nail
and screamed into the end
with tears running down my face
why the only one
who will leave me stranded
is the only one who can hear me
on the other end
fuck knows
fuck
pick up
please
Published 15th Dec 2012
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The author encourages honest critique.
15th Dec 2012 9:47pm
Anonymous
- Edited 15th Dec 2012 9:51pm
15th Dec 2012 9:50pm
I've been trying to find the origin of your title ever since i saw it floating around as the text overlay on a picture. i assumed the words were lyrics, but i haven't had any such luck finding out for sure. either way, it'd make for a cool shirt or something.
i like the idea of the tin can very much. it would've been easier to say 'phone', but you made it so much more poetic IMHO.
if i had any real critique, it would be for the part "why the only one....on the other end" and i may just being dull and not reading it correctly, but i would put the 'is' after the first 'why' and delete the other. it still sounds a little awkward that way, but more coherent.
otherwise, i like the image of red wine in the snow and the frantic pace of the last part.
i like the idea of the tin can very much. it would've been easier to say 'phone', but you made it so much more poetic IMHO.
if i had any real critique, it would be for the part "why the only one....on the other end" and i may just being dull and not reading it correctly, but i would put the 'is' after the first 'why' and delete the other. it still sounds a little awkward that way, but more coherent.
otherwise, i like the image of red wine in the snow and the frantic pace of the last part.
20th Dec 2012 5:54am
i first saw it in this picture:
http://farm8.staticflickr.com/7118/7497517166_ee29c7af46.jpg
and deemed it too accurate for my own good
i like the way that part read in my head but you're right. i think i'll just keep reading it until i decide to change it
thank you very much :)
http://farm8.staticflickr.com/7118/7497517166_ee29c7af46.jpg
and deemed it too accurate for my own good
i like the way that part read in my head but you're right. i think i'll just keep reading it until i decide to change it
thank you very much :)
6th Jan 2013 7:19am
