Celebrity Autopsy #2  - The Life And Death Of Maroon 5

(DISCLAIMER - If your a fan of  
novelty karaoke sensation maroon 5  
and devoid of a sense of humor  
please stop reading.  
This is a performance piece  
and is just for fun.  
I do not wish harm  
to any of the members  
of maroon 5 in any way.)    
   
The showbiz and music world        
was left stunned today      
as it has been confirmed        
that pop rock wannabes      
Maroon five have been killed        
by themselves.      
       
Maroon 5 famous for there hit singles        
"Moves Like Jagger"      
"She will be Loved"        
and the dance floor classic "      
Its all about me"      
were found dead in there hotel room.      
A Eyewitness described  the scene        
using language only we could understand.      
       
"Chaos, just complete bedlam,        
there were shouting and lots of crashing around,        
lots of screaming to,        
i am not sure what was      
going on?"        
said the eyewitness who wasn't even there.      
       
Maroon 5 were formed in a factory        
and got there name from a name shop        
there are five of them        
(according to sources though        
this was never confirmed).        
Front man Adam Levine and four other        
unidentified males with varying degrees        
of hair, facial growth and social etiquette      
all smelled like rotten eggs,        
and were well known in Santa Monica      
for needing a bath.      
       
Maroon 5 were last seen        
in a recording studio        
in downtown  L.A.        
recording there follow up album " The shits"      
record producer Harmon van Beethoven        
this to say      
       
" the sessions went well        
i thought, Adam and the other guys        
whatever there names were,        
seemed to be on top form,        
though come to think of Adam        
did start talking in Latin at one point,        
in a deep husky voice,        
he had glowing red eyes        
and started moving objects        
with the power of his mind,        
we just thought it was his time of month"      
       
It has been thought that the band        
were trying to go for a new sound        
and that a mixture of        
death metal and Morris dancing        
may be a good place to start.        
but front man Adam Levine        
was taking things a little to far      
peter piper was the sound engineer        
on that session he recalls      
       
" Levine was fucking crazy man,        
he was drinking blood from a hip flask        
and spraying it around the studio        
at one point he produced a large sacrificial      
dagger like they had in    
"Indiana Jones And The Temple of doom"        
and started trying to stab,        
the other members of the band      
(what ever there name was)        
it just wasn't him.        
       
"And what about the other members of the band?"      
       
"What other members??        
man, i don't even know there names?        
did they have names?,        
were they really there?      
Adam was maroon 5, that's it man.      
       
There record label        
"rip off records"        
have issued this following statement..      
       
"We are of course saddened        
by the death of maroon five,        
we will never be able to replace        
Adam Levine and the other guys        
whatever there names were,        
but fuck it we made a shit load of money        
and tomorrow will see the release        
of a best of album maroon 5        
"we were really that shit and yet      
you still brought are record's losers        
- the ultimate collection"      
       
Police do not have any leads        
but we can reveal that the band        
were caught in some sort of argument        
which resulted in the death of the entire band,        
a coroners report is expected tomorrow morning,      
and is set to contain the theory        
that the band killed each other        
by using dark arcane spells        
to stop the soul from moving on        
as the body dies...      
Marooned literally        
this reporter would imagine.      
A dagger like the one      
that was in "Indiana Jones    
And The Temple Of Doom"      
does appear to be the      
murder weapon.    
       
Maroon 5 that died today.