Your Left Behind

"Somewhere between then and truth
my gelded thoughts permit the memory"

Great start.  Some strong ideas here, but I gotta re-read, I think.

Psst, is that title meant to be:  You're left behind?

Or are you really talking about someone's left arse cheek?  ..What, it's kinda important, right?

There should probably be a hyphen between left and behind, but it looks tidier this way. Just means what she left behind, when she departed.

Quite happy you have to read again. I'll give no hints then. :)

Cheers, Atakti.

Mr. A

I do believe you've hit gold with this one. I am going to ponder this one, print it out, and take it to bed with me. This is profound, and requires profound thought.

I will get back with you :)

oh p.s.

Would you mind if I crit this ? I wouldn't bother asking if I didn't like it ( A LOT ! ) and trust me I will tell you ALL I like about it as well as where I think it might be improved. Up to you / No hurt feelings either way :)  

Maggie,
 
I'm overwhelmed and must admit I like this one too.
I'll get back to your getting back. :)

Feel free to dig your nails in.

Mr A

It is, as has been said, a really good piece of writing. A tad high maintenance in that it wants to hold onto it's secrets until eyes have graced it a couple of times, fuck all wrong with that.

The title, well it's a little confusing right enough. you could cut the 'your and go with 'left behind, but that might render it less personal.

This is a tough one to try critique because of it's caliber and the only thing I could come up with was my word preferences ( I've written them and deleted them) which on reflection seemed  somewhat petty or something.

so, tip 'o the hat to you. shine on

Haha, ah well. I do that with critique often myself.

I had the idea to call it 'The Left Behind' but as you stated, too impersonal so this is it I s'pose.

Cheers for the visit and your thoughts, Eamon. Always a pleasure.

Omg. I am going to read this every time I log in to cop a feel of fixation. brilliant and beautifully executed. wow.

What a lovely stain you leave, Devilish. Cheers.

Damn this is good. This one is in a league of its own. each line slides in as deep as the blade will go. just damn i have to find what the hell i'm trying to say to make my comment worthy.  you are separate from any other style or structure or expression. I love it. raw prose in unrehearsed verse. ok i'll go now.. lol

bovine intruigue....one'a those things that one doesn't
usually xpect in serious pootery.....

eye love it - ye ne'er 'disappoint' in reading you, but ye only get 4.9 stars for this one (t'keep yr he'ad from s'wellin)

4.9 is still pretty good by sax-standards so I'll go with that.

Memories are pretty random, especially when manipulated. Thanks for the praise, man.

There is so much to like about this Mr. A. Being an old country girl I have seen more than one calf born. It is engrossing to say the least, and put in the context you have ? Good stuff indeed. I actually love your title, but I do think it would benefit from a hyphen between left, and behind. Understanding your reason for not having it as well I see no reason for pushing that one. I am going to put my thoughts in brackets within the piece. This method seems easier to me, for me to maintain my train of thought, as well as the writer being able to follow more easily.



Somewhere between then and truth

( I am wondering if “then, and truth” could be taken out of the abstract it is in, to something more tangible. Abstractions in poetry are such things as love, hate, truth, justice, etc. Writers tend to use abstractions in writing because they are easy to use. But, the fact is they are ideas, and while everyone has experienced them, because they are “ideas” a 1000 readers experience them in a 1000 different ways. So when put on paper, they tend to lack that specific breathe that is exclusive to the writer. Simply put, they lack life, and any sense of individual experience. For me as a reader, I don't think this benefits your piece. I want to “experience” your very individual experience here. I will translate my experience “through” yours. )

my gelded thoughts permit the memory

( Love the use of the word gelded. That one simple little word gives so much to the piece. It maintains your image while telling me  something about the narrator / you. I question “permit” though. While one gives the other takes away. I love the fact your verb is actually doing something here, but for me it is doing the wrong thing, distracting me. I would suggest a word more in keeping with this lovely image you have going on. )



of your panicked eyes as the cow's tongue

( Although not a true enjambment, this line is reading like one, and an odd one to boot. I adore “panicked” That is so true. The mother's eyes damn near bulge out of their heads, the poor things. I am leaning toward breaking this apart into two lines. It seems far more a structure problem than anything. Something for you to think about. )

tugged your skin to your skin -

( OMG ! I love this. It is so exact, correct, in its simplicity, and its dual, possible triple connotations are fabulous within the specificness of the cows, and how they behave during this process. )

how that executed look would shape

( “Executed” is so intriguing to me. It takes me away from the initial birth image I am getting from this, but also implies right into it as well, definitely a twist in the plot so to speak. I am wondering about the possibility of taking “would” out of the line though, and simply using “shaped”. Present tense words create a moving picture while past tense words create a snapshot. “Would” already implies past, so... Once again I will leave that one up to you. )

more than a mouthful of admirers
each believing they'll be the last;

there never was,

( I love “mouthful”. It is a wonderful cohesive to tongue, maintaining your image through out, which can be a pain in the backside to do. “Admirers” does this far less for me. In fact it is a bit halting. Any time a word brings up more questions than answers you need to question it. Now... “each believing they'll be the last;” is great stuff. You have created that duality of image, and human connection that is the hall mark of a good metaphor. You might have a slight problem with tenses in this section though. “Believing” is present, while “was” is past. I understand the commonality of it, but it might throw another off. )

but I bet they, and know I,
will always have a last.

( Now these are the only lines I had serious problems with. They are very vague, and somewhat confusing. In all honesty, there are bringing little to the table for me as the reader.)

I wonder if that cow licked as you were torn
from this world;
if your skin constricted to tailor a child

( I don't really recommend the second use of the word “lick” here even in its past tense.  Same goes for skin. For me the piece is too small to support it. Tailor seems ill fitting as well.  You have already proven to me you are capable of digging deeper than this, so..... lol  ;) “Constricted”, however is fucking fabulous !, and the over all image you are presenting in these lines here are just beautiful. )

and splayed your eyes across your beloved face,
and now, across mine.

( I personally would rethink “across” Hun. While I get it, it reads a bit muddled for me. Your ending here is just … Excellent ! It is dramatic without being a friggin soap opera, wonderfully concise, and possesses that “ Aha !”  moment writers pursue with a vengeance. I could also give you tidbits about punctuation, line breaks, and structure. But I will leave that for another time. There is enough information in here already. Lol  I do so hope you work on this. As I said you have something very impressive here. It is just a matter of some slight editing, and revising. Good stuff indeed :) )

Omg. NO. I can't take the competition. lol. (breathes heavily) only I can stalk him.  kidding .=)

Ha ! That is between you, and Mr. A ;)  
 
But hell ! I will make a fair trade. Stalk this one for awhile  
 
http://deepundergroundpoetry.com/poets/Uley-Bone/  
 
*smirks*  
 
He appreciates nosy females. He is married to one, ME  :D lol

First of all wow. I can give some quite long critique, but never with a poem of this size. I take the length as a compliment itself. I suppose the title stays rather than oxydising it with punctuation. I've spent many years in cottages and villages surrounded by farmland so, cows. :)

Maybe I could of been more specific in the first line, and maybe I will because this could be the clarity needed to know it isn't about the birth of a calf.
I could tell you what it is, but that just wouldn't be fun for me.

I don't think I used 'lick' twice, though expressed it more than once for definite.

Your delve into my words and their workings is very much appreciated and needed. There's bits of your critique I didn't reply to as it would give the whole poem away. I enjoy giving a cryptic and yeah, maybe a little vague read for readers to ponder. Of course, this can backfire horribly with risks that need to be taken.

Again, thank you very much, Maggie. Very helpful advice which I'll mull over for a while.

Ha ! Welcome to interpretation huh ?

I am glad my thoughts were received in the spirit they were given Hun

and thank you for the opportunity to do so :)