SUICIDAL TENDENCIES

 Days, weeks, month’s years…..
All I really have to say is that it has come, time has passed me bye but nothing else matters anymore.
October is now behind us all but it’s coldness still remains and it’s not going to thaw anytime real soon.
I saw it all shattered earlier….
As I was heading back home, I saw the brilliance of a perfectly blown proportion, oh yes I had felt something carefully settle its self to the ground and it scattered.
Someone else had tossed it out but how it had landed was completely up to the moment.
Maybe the moment broke a little bit too soon, but not to worry because it didn’t take me long to admire a perfect disaster.
I had let this one slide bye, usually I’ll try and fix things, make good since out of the things that life has broken, but today I did not. I had allowed it all to crash down around me but for this moment alone I for one am still standing.
I stood once before, fell flat on my ass but now I have brought myself up once more, here I will stand until it is time to go someplace else.
It has always been time to pack up, go and leave, always the same as far back as I can remember, but at least I had her then, I had her at the time but I have her no longer because she has packed her bag and she left me her goodbye in a letter she had written as the light died down a little more.
The light died down on the inside and the same familiar coldness has settled in once again surrounding us all.
Flash forward now….
I already knew that he could tell by the marks on my flesh that my life has been built upon sin and agony.
He yearns to know my past,
He wants to know why I am who I am. He wants to know the things that have taken place in my life that has molded and shaped me into my being.
“Life has brought me to this point.” I told him.
“And, there is no turning back now because I am already here.”
He swore he could kiss away these scars…. But it is another secret that I will keep locked away inside along with so much more.
He may one day kiss these scars until they vanish, but nothing can ever make me new again because time has already left its mark upon my body and it has already aged my soul to the core.
Broken, shattered, battered and lost…. I tend to derange the cycle of my life….
Either that or, I am the biggest fuck up of 1993 that my parents ever did make that year.
Along came Rocky… and 19 years later along came my suicidal tendencies.
I have came a long way baby, and I have nothing more to think about that mistake at this point other than…“Damn it I am here.”
I am here at this moment in time, and yes I repeat this life has left its mark on me once again, but long ago the others have left me far behind so today I stand alone in a world that could not give two shits.
I have been dying since the day I was born but yes I DO EXIST.
I do exist but I am somebody else now.
And as I walk through the valley in the shadows of my life, alone I lean against my own wall of darkness as I watch it all pass me bye.
And exactly what is the twist when you are the twist?
KILLER YOU’RE ADDICTED….. killer the blade turns around and now you are using it on yourself. Damn it you can cry but no you don’t need any help….
And, what else can you possibly say for yourself when your mind is a nest and your least bad days have come to be you very best? And, as you lie awake you can’t help but wonder what he is thinking and wonder if he is thinking of you….
She had told me this once before, the girl who stands behind the mirror in front of my face, but still so much remains unspoken because I never knew what to say.
BUT…. Perhaps if I could turn back the clock of time to days, weeks, months, or even years ago…. Then maybe I could fill in all of the blank spots of all of the times that I could not speak up.
Mother, father, sister, brother….. Would that be enough to make you proud of this beautiful disaster that I was destined to become?
The times that you have all dropped in and out of my life…. Some moments I can remember were for the better, others for the worse…. Could you have taken me any more serious, really when I said the day is coming that I am going to leave?
And could these years of silence hush away my cries that would put me to sleep?
Do not weep, do not shed one tear if the day ever comes that mother calls and says that I am not here.
You know, I can still remember the very first time I turned to my blade for guidance…. For comfort… for advice.
Although I didn’t know how to take in any of it at the time because it was all much too strong to absorb, but that same blade has grown to be my friend that I could never find in anyone else in this life.
In a pathetic manner, this blade has nurtured me through my at most trials, when I  had nobody else to turn to, my knife was always, always in reach no phone…. Just one on one contact.
I can remember the very first time that I ever realized how very cold the knifes blade was to the touch, and how it would be my own blood that could warm it quicker than anything else, so in a way it’s like I was there for that blade too.
I used to cry until I fell asleep of a night, I cried out to a god that I now realize was never even there to start out with…..
But now, now I cut myself until I drift off someplace else.
Some claim it as ADDICTIVE, no different than drugs or whatever else the good kids of the world are doing these days, but all I can really say to that is LOVE…. Can you really be addicted to that?
I was afraid that day but over the years it has brought me up much stronger then who I was raised to be, that is, somewhere along the line it has killed who it is that I used to be, and alls I gots so say is that I just happened somewhere along the way.
I AM NOBODY’S DAUGHTER,
I AM NOBODY’S SISTER,
I AM NOBODY’S FRIEND….
I AM NOBODY’S NOTHING NOW…. Committed till the end.
I now belong to my knife, because my blood is written on his blade.
Sticks and stones may very well break my bones, but words can never change me.
Trust me, I have heard it all before and it is pointless everyone…. Please, you are only wasting your precious breath when you tell me to quit.
I am committed to slowly killing what is left inside of me, surely one blood drop at a time, and when I decide to quit, that decision is mine….
That is, I will be finished when the blade decides that I am really through, but till then everyone is just stuck with me.