Fifty Shades of Grey - a Yorkshireman's Review

Now we've a moral tale to tell
Of Ana Steele, who plays
A college graduate and, well
A virgin in life's ways

It 'appens that 'er best friend Kate
Through flu's not up to much
So 'er interview's on Ana's plate
One Christian Grey, as such

Our Mr Grey's intrigued, it seems
'Cos Ana's struck 'im silly
Whilst she looks in his eyes and dreams
"E'll never like me - will 'e?".

So Ana's on the booze one night
And 'appens ('twixt a sup)
To drop 'er mobile in 'er plight
Which dials Greyey up.

Well Christian does what 'eroes should
And 'olds 'er as she pukes
Then teks away 'er maiden’ood
(What's common in such books).

Grey's at pains t'appear rational
But maintains 'is own 'Red Room' -
What's never won t'Grand National
But contains whips - and some!

If she'd be 'is for all 'is whims
Respect 'im, as she should
She'd sign away 'er life and limbs
On t'dotted line - in blood?

Our Ana's curiosity,
Like that what killed the cat
Brings out Grey's animosity
To womankind, and that.

The likes of all this servile stuff
'Ave left our Ana muddled -
She's wantin' more, yet's 'ad enough.
Pleasure - pained, or cuddled?

The Faustian pact she leaves unsigned;
Grey's partnered now wi' none
Because she's up 'n left 'im, mind -
And there you 'ave book one...