deepundergroundpoetry.com
the death of Poppy Feldt
A passion so fierce that it burns like fire,
A shadow of love cast by desire.
It turns its shoulders
And hides its face,
This feeling is cold to the touch
And bitter to the taste.
Time cannot mend this
Broken heart;
A dull needle and a fragile thread
That's only bound
To fall apart.
I've been Digging shallow graves,
Using Dirty nails
And hollow hearted facets.
Spending my days
Mending failures,
Building caskets
There's a head stone
Missing a name
And a date.
I lie with you there
Searching blindly
For words
Left to say.
I'm waiting for a flashbulb
To burst
On this guilty pose
Something
To illuminate
The life you took
And the one I chose.
I lost sight
Of the things
I aimed to see
The broken and the beautiful
And the existence in between.
Some people
are just made for discontent
Like a murder without a motive
A heart that's empty
Despite it's visceral intent.
Today was the day
I came to decide
That I'll strangle the memory
And stop killing time.
I forged a name
Beyond the meaning itself,
Long live Silvja Weiss
and here lies Poppy Feldt.
A shadow of love cast by desire.
It turns its shoulders
And hides its face,
This feeling is cold to the touch
And bitter to the taste.
Time cannot mend this
Broken heart;
A dull needle and a fragile thread
That's only bound
To fall apart.
I've been Digging shallow graves,
Using Dirty nails
And hollow hearted facets.
Spending my days
Mending failures,
Building caskets
There's a head stone
Missing a name
And a date.
I lie with you there
Searching blindly
For words
Left to say.
I'm waiting for a flashbulb
To burst
On this guilty pose
Something
To illuminate
The life you took
And the one I chose.
I lost sight
Of the things
I aimed to see
The broken and the beautiful
And the existence in between.
Some people
are just made for discontent
Like a murder without a motive
A heart that's empty
Despite it's visceral intent.
Today was the day
I came to decide
That I'll strangle the memory
And stop killing time.
I forged a name
Beyond the meaning itself,
Long live Silvja Weiss
and here lies Poppy Feldt.
Published 1st Nov 2012
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
likes 2
reading list entries 0
comments 2
reads 630
Commenting Preference:
The author encourages honest critique.
It's intriguing. Again some very very well chosen words. The first two lines being an outstanding example, the third stanza also being a good example. It actually feels like I've been reading a sort of bridge between your more recently published material and your older material, though I haven't read the older material yet--it just has a sort of feel of being between stages or periods of time, that sort of thing.
But since you say you want honest critique on this piece, I'd like to point out one item that seems like it could be better, if I may presume. The third line of the second stanza. You might be very attached to it, but for some reason "facets" just seems to clash very oddly with the two preceding lines. Maybe it's because a facet is something that can be observed, a more passive thing, while in the preceding lines you're mentioning the act of digging, with dirty nails--a very real, active description.
Well, anyway, it's an excellent, powerful piece, and bridge or no, it bears your characteristic, high level of care, a little chip from the top of something very deep.
But since you say you want honest critique on this piece, I'd like to point out one item that seems like it could be better, if I may presume. The third line of the second stanza. You might be very attached to it, but for some reason "facets" just seems to clash very oddly with the two preceding lines. Maybe it's because a facet is something that can be observed, a more passive thing, while in the preceding lines you're mentioning the act of digging, with dirty nails--a very real, active description.
Well, anyway, it's an excellent, powerful piece, and bridge or no, it bears your characteristic, high level of care, a little chip from the top of something very deep.
2nd Jan 2013 9:12pm
thank you! and i agree with you. i never actually edit my writing, so its nice to gather opinions of others before i finally sit down and revise.
as for the bridge, you've sunk my battleship!
I inhabit a different persona everytime my writing or life takes a different direction.
My name on this site was poppy feldt before.
as for the bridge, you've sunk my battleship!
I inhabit a different persona everytime my writing or life takes a different direction.
My name on this site was poppy feldt before.
