from the inside out

For years, I've been standing in front of a mirror, wearing a blindfold over my eyes, hiding from myself, hiding from who I truly am. I think I do this because I am scared of what I may see. I'm scared to open myself up and say, this is me. It's been too long since I faced myself, since I've open my heart. So here it is the truth. On most days, I feel like my spirit is that of a wild bird. I’m a writer, a feeler and an owner of passive aggressiveness. I am 5’3, have dark brown hair and deep blue eyes. I weigh more than I can proudly say in the open. I’m not calling myself fat, just honestly saying that as healthy as my organs may be, my weight is considered unhealthy. I hope that one day this might change so I can live fully. But I am afraid of change.
       I'm a coward, when it comes to being healthy. I am weak at times. We are all weak at times. I am smarter than I’m given credit for. I know that if I gave myself a chance, I could become someone healthier, someone stronger. When people first meet me, I am considered to be quiet, shy and reserved. This is all that can be seen by others. This is not who I am. It's not that I don't want to talk to you; it's just that I am just simply listening to the world around me. But I think that needs to change to. I think it's about time that I was heard. I know my heart and my soul and my spirit is the one thing that can define who I truly am; the woman that God created. The woman… the person that I’ve only let a few special people get close enough, in order to truly know.
             I have to turn myself inside out. The person on the inside is a force to be reckoned with. A believer of truth. A peace-wielding, all you need is love, pure minor note on the piano scale, untamed, fearful wild bird that is only able to be tamed with a kiss. A lovebird that has been caged and unloved. A victim of parental and companion separation. I feel alone and deserted. I've been told that I hold on to people too tightly. But no one knows that as a child, I was ripped away from my family. So I am attached to people like Velcro, and I make no apologies for that. I do apologize for not explaining myself and for not speaking up with the chances present themselves.
               I may be quiet but everything that I feel screams out to be heard. I feel afraid and alone. I feel tremors throughout my body and I hear voices in my head.  I am longing to be held and comforted. The pills can only help so much. I crave affection and attention from others. I crave hugs. Even if we don’t know each other, give me a hug anyways. Please don’t feel uncomfortable. Understand that the one way I can safely express the love that I feel all the time is by hugging people. I am forever longing and loving to hug someone. Love is what I thrive upon and I’ll take it in any form I possibly can.
               I am a writer and I feel like there is more that I have to say before my time on this earth ends. I have a voice that wants to be heard. Please listen. I am a singer. Music sets me free from myself. It flows throughout my veins. Please hear my song. If you know me at all, then you know I still haven’t finished college. I’ve been trying for so long to complete something. I want to, yet I can’t. I know that the one holding myself back. That's going to change. If there is one thing you should know if you already don’t, it’s that I love to bake. Not just because I love food or for the heck of it. It’s because baking is the one thing I know I can do from start to finish and things turn out beautiful.  Won’t you have a cookie?
            Like my cookies, my spirit is made from scratch and my heart is searching for everyone, including you. We may not know each other very well, not just yet, but my heart will forever remain loyal and open to you.