deepundergroundpoetry.com
Eyes Torn
The belch erupts through
Stained, encrusted teeth,
Carrying the legacy of
Undigested, rotten flesh.
Reluctantly I find my eyes
Torn to the glass, where
Years-old smudges and crimson stains
Cannot hide this malevolent smirk.
I openly stare through at the festering sores.
The pulsing pustules on the neck
Peeking from behind lanky, dirt-laden locks.
My stomach churns as I see beyond.
Those surface ailments hide a dark, deep hole
Where a soul used to live.
Dark thoughts deteriorated to grunting urges
To which innumerable innocents were fed.
One other witnessed the bloodied desecration
Yet lived, wrongfully. I stare into the red, oozing
Eyes, pinhole pupils blank and dead.
I turn from the mirror and growl.
Entered in "the darkness within" competition
Published 20th Oct 2012
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
likes 8
reading list entries 1
comments 12
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The author encourages honest critique.
20th Oct 2012 8:50pm
I love the language in this piece. Really grotesque and weird. I think if you can get this more along the lines of a story, you may be able to create a clearer picture for the reader. Idk. I am a storyteller by nature, and I would like to see this as a vignette. Really like it though.
Easily my favorite line
"The pulsing pustules on the neck"
Easily my favorite line
"The pulsing pustules on the neck"
21st Oct 2012 8:27am
Great comment, Junco. Means a lot, thanks.
My first go at gross, so I'll see where I can go with this..
My first go at gross, so I'll see where I can go with this..
20th Oct 2012 9:50pm
Nice and gory, the imagery here brings a zombie to mind.
Excellent graphic write Atakti.
Good luck dear.
Excellent graphic write Atakti.
Good luck dear.
21st Oct 2012 8:27am
20th Oct 2012 10:52pm
I loved the wholly feral image you brought to the fore with that 'growl'.
Question: Was this about a cannibal, a creature who'd become almost soulless, devoid of all humanity.
"Dark thoughts deteriorated to grunting urges"
or did you have something more in mind?
I really enjoyed this piece although I thought[IMO] that in the last line of stanza two you gave 'him' too much credit with "malevolent", detracting from your otherwise utterly wild image of 'him'. I just felt it would seem more true to "grunting urges" if you had it as more the shadow of a once malevolent smirk.
Beyond all that this was an absolutely awesome piece.
Keep it up.
Duncan
Question: Was this about a cannibal, a creature who'd become almost soulless, devoid of all humanity.
"Dark thoughts deteriorated to grunting urges"
or did you have something more in mind?
I really enjoyed this piece although I thought[IMO] that in the last line of stanza two you gave 'him' too much credit with "malevolent", detracting from your otherwise utterly wild image of 'him'. I just felt it would seem more true to "grunting urges" if you had it as more the shadow of a once malevolent smirk.
Beyond all that this was an absolutely awesome piece.
Keep it up.
Duncan
21st Oct 2012 8:30am
Duncan, you asked:
Was this about a cannibal, a creature who'd become almost soulless, devoid of all humanity?
Yes! But occasionally the tiny aware part re-surfaces, hence the look in the mirror, the thoughts and the malevolent smirk. Then the double horror of becoming aware of what he had become.
Was this about a cannibal, a creature who'd become almost soulless, devoid of all humanity?
Yes! But occasionally the tiny aware part re-surfaces, hence the look in the mirror, the thoughts and the malevolent smirk. Then the double horror of becoming aware of what he had become.
23rd Oct 2012 10:21pm
Why did it take me so long to find you!? You're amazing attention to your vocabulary and wonderful play in imagery has me hooked.
"Those surface ailments hide a dark, deep hole Where a soul used to live. Dark thoughts deteriorated to grunting urges To which innumerable innocents were fed."
This entire stanza gave me chills, and trust me, I live for wierd and absurd. I'm now a fan, expect me more often.
"Those surface ailments hide a dark, deep hole Where a soul used to live. Dark thoughts deteriorated to grunting urges To which innumerable innocents were fed."
This entire stanza gave me chills, and trust me, I live for wierd and absurd. I'm now a fan, expect me more often.
24th Oct 2012 1:03pm
Anonymous
- Edited 3rd Jan 2013 4:51pm
24th Oct 2012 2:37pm
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24th Oct 2012 5:29pm
24th Oct 2012 6:22pm
24th Oct 2012 7:49pm
