Depression

You make me feel like Alice
caught in the rabbit hole,
everything is so strange
morbid and obscene.

A smiling little girl
Holding back the weight of the world.
Fear filled images
flashing past her eyes.

You take what should be good for me
warping my every move
So I hate and fear all.
Clenching your fist
around my fragile throat.

I hate you.
I hate me.
I hate existence and all around me!

Fuck!
Just kill me...

I want to be happy.
Like that caffeine pill yesterday
oh god, it was all so fine.

I didn't hurt
or hate or fear!
For the first time
in a long time
I was truly happy.

But I don't want to be addicted to it.
The little yellow pill
that brought me such happiness.
I don't want it to stop
to be necessary
so I can feel normal.

Oh God!
Why am I this way?
Alone and scared
Like a little black girl
going to the first integrated school.

Why does it feel like I walk past
the jeering crowds of people
who hate me because they don't understand me,
just like that little black girl in 1954.

Why do I feel this way?
Why can't I love without hurting?
Why can't I stop hurting
or just die?