deepundergroundpoetry.com
Faces
I watch you walking down the streets
I am that face you see when you sleep
I'm the monsters in every dream
Flesh eating demon that lays awake
Lost in a place I have yet to learn
I am a freak
With a hunger
Who feed off fears
With thoughts of my hands around your throat
As you take your last breath
I never said I wasn't sick
Just a person lost in a world
Stuck with whats right and wrong
I think one day you'll see
You might be a freak just like me
Fighting a battle
Between good and evil
Not knowing what path to take
Homless in your own body
Hating who you might become
Pushing yourself away form the people you love
So they don't see who you really are
I am that face you see when you sleep
I'm the monsters in every dream
Flesh eating demon that lays awake
Lost in a place I have yet to learn
I am a freak
With a hunger
Who feed off fears
With thoughts of my hands around your throat
As you take your last breath
I never said I wasn't sick
Just a person lost in a world
Stuck with whats right and wrong
I think one day you'll see
You might be a freak just like me
Fighting a battle
Between good and evil
Not knowing what path to take
Homless in your own body
Hating who you might become
Pushing yourself away form the people you love
So they don't see who you really are
Published 9th Oct 2012
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likes 2
reading list entries 1
comments 6
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The author encourages honest critique.
9th Oct 2012 2:16am
Minor correction: "I think on day you'll see" should be "I think one day you'll see"?
Cool poem. I really like it especially toward the end.
Cool poem. I really like it especially toward the end.
9th Oct 2012 2:20am
9th Oct 2012 3:17am
Love it it's so you. Xoxo will always love you
As you take you last breath
Just fix this "as you take your last breath"
As you take you last breath
Just fix this "as you take your last breath"
9th Oct 2012 5:42am
9th Oct 2012 4:11pm
I think you should keep working on this. There is a lot here, but I think it is missing somethings. The divide between good and bad, right and wrong needs to be stronger. The narrator can alternate the sound of his language, starting from soft tones for those words of comfort, to harsh, sharp sounds like "t" and "c." This is only a example.
Also, there is a need for punctuation and to break this up into stanzas. Otherwise you lose the ability to create tempo. The lines can be reworked to help strengthen the message you are trying to convey. Try playing around with removing the personal identifiers of the piece. Finally, try to create a stronger identity for the narrator. It is hard to determine whether they are a real person commenting, or a construct of emotion. I prefer the latter. Also describing the narrator as a "it" as opposed to a "I" is more creepy I think.
Good start though.
Also, there is a need for punctuation and to break this up into stanzas. Otherwise you lose the ability to create tempo. The lines can be reworked to help strengthen the message you are trying to convey. Try playing around with removing the personal identifiers of the piece. Finally, try to create a stronger identity for the narrator. It is hard to determine whether they are a real person commenting, or a construct of emotion. I prefer the latter. Also describing the narrator as a "it" as opposed to a "I" is more creepy I think.
Good start though.
