Jealousy

A monster lurks within me with jaded eyes.  
Surveying the land with sunken, peering review.  
Observant of all that transpires, little escapes its scathing gaze.  
It doesn't control me directly but often has its shameful say,  
Directing the way I live my day to day.  
Bringing me dismay at the way those around me go about their lives.  
They thrive while I merely survive and strive to get by.  
If I am lucky, (and I rarely am), once or twice a month the beast allows me reprieve.  
It walks me among the revellers and I smile as I pretend I belong there.  
Craving of company and wishful of wanton excess, I go forth and expend.  
Spending more than I can afford but somehow still falling short of my expectations.  
Affluence and abundance abound around in the sounds of the people I found in the bar.  
Conscious of how far I have had to come to seek the peace of the throng.  
Alone in the crowd I feel I'm doing some wrong to myself and I'm left darkened.  
Unamused and abused by the metaphorical moths that inhabit the abyss of my wallet.  
I see inebriated couples drool over each other with hungry eyes.  
A tangible aura of sex surrounds them as they perform their rites through the night.  
I resent that my right to this thrill goes unfulfilled and I'm chilled to the bone,  
For soon I must go home.  
Alone again except for my shadow.  
I know that I'm skilled in the ways of the dance of life making, but too embarrassed in my solemnly inept financial stance to make an approach to the ones whom I could captivate;  
The ones I could mate with; Be great with long enough to satiate my hunger for life.  
But for me, no.  
I retreat in defeat; beaten by myself and my choices.  
The voices of the happy becoming distant causes my gloom to reinforce my pessimism into what I perceive as realism.  
Objectivity escapes as I stagnate and find it harder to relate.  
And so I debate with the beast within and state my case to its obstinate ears and try in vain to summon its compassion and allow me to assume control again;  
To regain the self respect and esteem that the rest of society takes for granted and emancipate myself from this self inflicted rut of jealousy and remorse before inevitability takes its course and I end up forever alone.  
Living vicariously through the tales regaled by others and the lives with their lovers.  
How can I slay the monster without taking myself out with it?  
Without it can I survive?  
But then.. Can I call this being alive?