deepundergroundpoetry.com
Uncaging
She left more than just a few bruises in her wake;
no dust cuts better than a wind from nightmares
but you can't change in a day.
It's easy to run, to leave. Too easy,
but to start new with any resolution takes steady
bones of stone. Without this armour the weapon's blunt.
As I sit in the waiting room, index finger and thumb
looping her cold, night rain-washed wrist
she whimpers a routine sorry as the dust still stings my eyes.
The nurse calls her in, I watch them close the door.
I take my jacket and leave. No dust in my wake.
I take the cuts and bruises with me
as my steady hands button up my jacket
to walk the night's cold rain that will never relent.
Published 8th Oct 2012
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The author encourages honest critique.
8th Oct 2012 9:18am
i liked the repetition of "steady", showing your choice, really showing the bulk of the story. other than the addition of the last line of S1, (which snagged me at first) everything felt beautifully meshed without you having to explain more than you did.
"you can't change in a day" only didn't make sense to me because of the order, maybe. i had to go back and re-create the story in the right order for myself.
otherwise, there are several places i just thought, boom... couldn't have done that any better.
"takes steady/bones of stone"
"looping her cold, night rain-washed wrist" - (it's tiny details that pull those emotions)
and the last three lines are faves.
and how the use of "steady", "routine", "waiting" in the second stanza meets the "never relent" in the last.
overall, your rhythms are natural, the voice is sturdy, i loved the variety in texture, the written is pretty, as is spoken. can't imagine why the word "outclassed" keeps coming to mind. [:
"you can't change in a day" only didn't make sense to me because of the order, maybe. i had to go back and re-create the story in the right order for myself.
otherwise, there are several places i just thought, boom... couldn't have done that any better.
"takes steady/bones of stone"
"looping her cold, night rain-washed wrist" - (it's tiny details that pull those emotions)
and the last three lines are faves.
and how the use of "steady", "routine", "waiting" in the second stanza meets the "never relent" in the last.
overall, your rhythms are natural, the voice is sturdy, i loved the variety in texture, the written is pretty, as is spoken. can't imagine why the word "outclassed" keeps coming to mind. [:
8th Oct 2012 11:09am
I wrote this really quick without editing. I never get critique here so it was interesting to see what comes. I now see many things I would change; especially the sudden fall from philosophies to story.
I'll definitely do something with that last stanza, try and feed it some sustenance.
Thank you for reading it so wonderfully. I don't quite get what you mean by 'outclassed' but I think you should slap yourself, however you meant it. :)
Thanks again.
I'll definitely do something with that last stanza, try and feed it some sustenance.
Thank you for reading it so wonderfully. I don't quite get what you mean by 'outclassed' but I think you should slap yourself, however you meant it. :)
Thanks again.
Anonymous
- Edited 8th Oct 2012 9:55am
8th Oct 2012 9:54am
<< post removed >>
9th Oct 2012 8:06am
Well, there should certainly be something uncaging about it.
Glad to be of some insight, even if it is just my thoughts.
Thanks for commenting.
Glad to be of some insight, even if it is just my thoughts.
Thanks for commenting.
8th Oct 2012 12:50pm
Amanceio is right.
There is a sense of uncaging.
I felt an aura of mixes emotions here and the feeling of betrayal followed by the sense of letting go.
Sometimes we all need to uncage ourselves.
Great read.
Clio
There is a sense of uncaging.
I felt an aura of mixes emotions here and the feeling of betrayal followed by the sense of letting go.
Sometimes we all need to uncage ourselves.
Great read.
Clio
9th Oct 2012 8:07am
When caged, it should only be right, should.
Thanks for the kind feedback, Clio.
Thanks for the kind feedback, Clio.
8th Oct 2012 3:00pm
Enjoyed Mr A...."It's easy to run, to leave. Too easy, but to start new with any resolution takes steady bones of stone"
9th Oct 2012 8:09am
8th Oct 2012 7:03pm
9th Oct 2012 8:09am
