Lie

i see the signs
signs that invite me in,
to said paradise

i could enter
i could ignore
eventhough i know
ill see them again
and ill have to battle
meaninlesly for hours

i told the doctor
he gave me pills
theyll make me better
he said
and so they are in my mouth
and i swallow..

every day i remmember to take my white pill
so i dont think about the forbidden
yet i dont feel
like myself
so i ignored the pills
and the signs came back..
it was alright for a whilee..
but then

the thoughts come back
i became a ghost of reality
and i lied lied lied
just like i used to

i told mom
she said i was being bad again
she got mad
i felt sad
so i took the pills and here
i am

...distraught and in a blur
unconnected to bad emotions
yet drugged
i want to stay awake
but i fear, the black space
it will suck me in again
for i am too weak

if only someone could stand by my side
i supose that is too much to ask
for i am fortunate than most
for i have a shelter
food, water..
but somethings missing
and no one can find it
so its true...i am not happy

all i know is that
the need for understanding
the hollow space in my chest
does not go away ,
but simply fades
if i listen to the doctor and
slowly drown myself in little white
round lies.