deepundergroundpoetry.com
Brother
A babe, you totter toward me
dirty nappy in your grubby hand
an offering that parts the crowd
like Moses parting waves
secure in knowing
I'd save you
a boy, you stand knock kneed
chewing your fingernails
with overgrown, buck teeth
anxious at the shouting
without even knowing
you caused it
I'm mindful of them
the babe, the boy
as you look up from the taxi
you read my face
and know at once you're too late
that he's gone
our beautiful boy is gone
I watch your heart break
and bleed for your regret
I want to tell you many things
that I remember you
that I can't save you
that this is not your fault
I want to tell you
brother, I love you
and you are still here
dirty nappy in your grubby hand
an offering that parts the crowd
like Moses parting waves
secure in knowing
I'd save you
a boy, you stand knock kneed
chewing your fingernails
with overgrown, buck teeth
anxious at the shouting
without even knowing
you caused it
I'm mindful of them
the babe, the boy
as you look up from the taxi
you read my face
and know at once you're too late
that he's gone
our beautiful boy is gone
I watch your heart break
and bleed for your regret
I want to tell you many things
that I remember you
that I can't save you
that this is not your fault
I want to tell you
brother, I love you
and you are still here
Published 24th Jul 2012
| Edited 31st Jul 2012
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
likes 6
reading list entries 2
comments 4
reads 1192
Commenting Preference:
The author encourages honest critique.
24th Jul 2012 4:46pm
25th Jul 2012 8:52am
"an offering that parts the crowd
like Moses parting waves" this is easy to picture and quite funny.
you certainly have a great way of expression and also a decent helping of wit.
I've read this three times Kaatho, can't fault the structure or wording.it's all very descriptive and there is an obvious emotional attachment.
I am guessing the third and fourth stanza's are holding back a couple of very important lines that would bring a little more clarity to the poem.
"I want to tell you
brother, I love you
and you are still here"
This is really nice and though I often thank the gods I never had a big sister, I expect having one would have made a decent impact.
an enjoyable read kaatho. fair play
like Moses parting waves" this is easy to picture and quite funny.
you certainly have a great way of expression and also a decent helping of wit.
I've read this three times Kaatho, can't fault the structure or wording.it's all very descriptive and there is an obvious emotional attachment.
I am guessing the third and fourth stanza's are holding back a couple of very important lines that would bring a little more clarity to the poem.
"I want to tell you
brother, I love you
and you are still here"
This is really nice and though I often thank the gods I never had a big sister, I expect having one would have made a decent impact.
an enjoyable read kaatho. fair play
25th Jul 2012 11:55am
Your feedback is generous, and you picked out the two biggest struggles I had with it ... whether to give more information, and whether to include the last lines.
I settled on leaving out the details, so the feelings that rose from those details had a chance on the page.
Thank you for your encouragement, CraicDealer :-)
I settled on leaving out the details, so the feelings that rose from those details had a chance on the page.
Thank you for your encouragement, CraicDealer :-)
