Where Was God?

My insurance runs out in two weeks.
Where will God be when my teeth have fallen out?
Where will God be when my vision is gone?
Where will God be when the family has died down to a single man,
and the loneliness pervades him,
and the biological hideousness,
the aesthetic deformity,
the inescapable poverty,
will never let it grow back?

Where was God when gravity itself pushes us down,
when the stumble into soft, brown dirt turns to
the body's burst into a bitter gray sidewalk, in front of a casino,
when it lies peaceful at last,
in the bed of the pavement gazing into the eyes of a stray beer can?

Where was God when the white horse stumbled in,
broke its legs, and shot himself in front of my cheap, second floor apartment door?
Was God watching
when you looked into my eyes and filled me with the most alluring sweetness,
a touch so soft, a touch more at ease than death; a bond so fucking powerful Sappho would turn her head
in disbelief?
Was he disgusted? Was he pleased when you turned away in fear?

When your breath on my lips,
in the back of a dimly lit high school science classroom
is the highlight of my education?
When your breath was so close,
and the nearness was implication enough
to tell me that we were both terrified and tantalized by the beauty.
Where was God when they burned us in their Bibles?

Where was God when it was decided
that even if we surrendered our credibility in civilization,
turned from the rest of the world- and though I would gladly have done that,
I will never see your eyes on the face of my beautiful baby boy?

Where was God when I fell in love in the most tasteless sense of the word?
Where was God when I sat in the dark,
channeling the art we made together,
The song I wrote for you, about you, in hopes you'd hear;
So that one day it could project to you-my muse, my angel, my songbird,
past the indignity, past the uncertainty
and draw you out of the hatred and prove to you
that I would stand up to the face of God
and bellow to him,
scream to him,
in every language known to man
that I love you
with every fiber
of my being?

I sang it first-
I confessed it first to a friend,
and he laughed.
What a silly idea.
Where was God then?