Secrets out

The cold wooden squeaky floor
the dust so close
I see it covering little edges of the wall
This small spot I have come to know.
Neat white toilet paper
sitting side by side
in the handmade woven basket

I notice it all
while my head down in the bowl.
Fingers inside

shh don't make a sound

here it comes so fast
the fresh juice I made,
mixed nuts, Greek salad
chocolates and cheese
I see the colours of a rainbow

A blank white bowl
now covered in a piece of art.

"Get it all out ugly girl
you disgusting loner girl
take hold of control"

The last bit
always the hardest
sometimes stuck a piece of corn
burning pains begin to rise

Blood rushing to head
feel the rash
over my face and neck
speckled blood vessels
around my eyes
saliva on my knuckles
nose running fast.

Feels like I'm choking
at times.

Lay my head on the  seat
wishing I could hide
"oh no mascara running"
face blotchy and smudged

now the mission
to sneak out with out
being looked at .
Cold water running down
I'll try look refreshed
hide those  markings on my face

Apply and begin again
foundation , blush
concealer for all those spots
they wont notice
with the shine lip gloss

Easy and relieved
when know ones around
when out use words
sensitive , feeling unwell
allergic to this  poisoned by that

How its stuck by since school
longer then a mans love
knowing can always count on it
Never will it leave
when days are bad
emptying takes the burdens off me
it's some ounce of control

Now I want to let you go
you torture me on your own
a cup of tea you wont let stay

When feeling fine
I feel the shivers
and sick you make me become

"I choose not to it just comes"

At first it was my control
now you have the power
to control me.

The secrets out
yes I made this begin
shoving spoons and tooth brushes down
I hid it in the shower
in plastic bags I threw away

It makes me pale in my face
inflamed throat
acid in my stomach
weak lethargic bones

It's not me mum anymore
my demon has hold of me now.