Well, how are things in heaven?

Well, how are things in heaven? Did you find everyone alright? Did they find you? How does that work, anyway? Are you told when loved ones will arrive so that you can go and wait for them, like meeting them at the train station? Or do you just wander around and wait?

How is Kay? And Aunty Mai, and Mike? Are they all happy? Are you happy?

I’m writing to you because you’ve been gone the longest; I don’t remember much, but I still miss you. I remember pushing between Kay and Nana to run to you and climb on your lap; that memory is as clear as day, and never fails to make me smile.

I don’t know if you’re allowed to see us. I’m at University now; Theatre. I want to act, to create. You know what it’s like to create something, don’t you? Everyone thought I was making a mistake, Mum still does sometimes (only because I write as well, and I‘m good at that too), but I persevere. I’ve made friends, lost friends, had my heart broken and broken hearts. But I am happy, right now. Even though this season is quite difficult, I’m happy. I mean, Kay dying on Valentine’s day, and Dad…

Is Dad there?

Mum’s… said some things, in the years afterwards. Usually after she’d had a few, but sometimes she was sober as well, and they scared me.

Are any of the things she’s said true?

Dad was a good Dad… He looked after us. He is up there, right?

What’s heaven like? I need to tell Nana, so that she can stop hurting. I need to tell her that you and Kay and Mai and everyone are waiting for her… She takes a lot of pills, Granddad. A lot. And she’s started drinking a lot more. That night when Dad went, she drank and drank and drank until she fell down; nearly a whole bottle, by her reckoning. I wish Uncle Joe came to visit more often, she seems happier when he’s here, but he does have his own life. It’s so difficult, sometimes. I’m terrified that I’m going to go over one day and she’ll be there, stone cold. In bed, halfway down the stairs, on the floor… She’s trying to kill herself, but in such a way that might she might fool whoever’s up there. I can see it, I’ve been there, and I got out of it. She doesn’t want to get out of it. I wish you could help her.

I passed my driving test, did you know? It took three goes, but a pass is a pass, right? I love driving, it makes me feel free. I vaguely remember a blue car that you used to drive; that was you, right? It’s so long ago, I don’t know if it was a dream or reality. Mum seems adamant that you never had a car, you couldn’t drive.

I feel sort of silly writing this; I know there’s no such thing as a God, which should mean that there’s no such thing as Heaven or Hell… But I still believe you’re up there. Heaven is what you make it, that’s what I say. Did Kay finally warm up? She used to joke that she’d rather go to Hell, because it’ll be warm down there.

There’s so much I want to say, Granddad, but I’d be telling you about my whole life and you’d get bored, especially if you can see me. I still love you, I still miss you… and I still can’t wait to see you again.