shadow work , log from real life

In my late twenties I started walking many paths. Always standing at the threshold. Leaving space for new doors to open, pioneering into various ways. Seeking out new experiences and thrive to soar anew each time.. At that time I was healing from my loss of my first love.      
     
Spending some time kicking into pillows, dancing, meditating, finding out about Wilhelm Reich, Breath work, Body work, the paranormal, Gestalt and such. Sitting on yoga mats on attics where I listened to people seeing many multi colored bubbles. From totem animals to cosmic dolphins whom apparently had awakened them.      
       
My spiritual awareness enriched when I started working for SOS phone line services. This is a neutral organisation who offer help to all people who need this. This is help through communication over the phone. They have a small team of qualified psychologists or care workers in case back up help is needed. The calls are made anonymous and people do not have to give their names.    
     
Here you meet despair, hope, fear, hate, love, grief, struggles, those with and without complications. Others perhaps are just desperate for human connection. My mentor was a fierce free minded spirit. A lady who was like a queen bee, her ginger curly hair, her sharp wit and laughter. She was always ahead of her time, through her strong personal nurture, she had an energy to her. Not that she was actually pretty, she was just this vibrant soul. Even when she was just present you could feel the building breathe. For me she was the heart of this place.      
     
The work contained night shift as well. My first night shift I remember well. I was so excited about it making whole scenarios in my head. On all the eventful conversing I would do. Just my luck, there were almost no calls, except one strange prank call. Either that or they had called the wrong service because in about 5 minutes they were just calling me all kinds of foul mouthed names. I had to wait until the right moment to tell them there were other phone lines for these things. I tried resting a bit since there were no calls. Suddenly its about 5 pm. The phone rings and it sounds anxious, loud!      
     
“ SOS help line this is Anne” I say. It takes a while, I hear all kinds of inexplainable sounds. Like someone is fooling around with some plastic bags, a vague radio is blaring in the background. I just wait a while until a womans voice says “Have you ever dug up someone from their grave?” eeeeeh I have no idea what to say so I just listen.      
     
She speaks in flashes, samples, negotiating with her self or selves, she could not sleep and says “I have been digging but she keeps on returning, I want her to disappear. but I can not escape her” Instantly I ask her who it is she is speaking about. She tells me it is her mother.. In order to break the pressure for her not to get too stuck into her story I tell her I need to ask her some questions about her present state. Telling her I am here for her. I aim for some clarity. Not wanting her to draw back or disappear.      
     
She is delivering her emotions raging reaping sowing painful memories. “ I hear that you are in pain” I say. I feel the phone starts flooding. She screams she cries. Suddenly she asks what my name was again.  I remind her. Then I hear some animal sounds, she says her pet wants in, a door opens I hear voices too.“ Thank you for trusting me” I say just before the connection is cut off.    
   
I wonder about the weight on her shoulders,  
if she is in the present moment,  
can she live without her shadow
could she face it ?    
does she have a small window  
perhaps a view ?    
and if she hears herself      
if not just the flapping wings      
of a bird sometimes      
     
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